That Reminds Me Of Something Funny A Client Of Mine Allegedly Said

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Vol 41 Issue 07

New Girlfriend Bears Disturbing Resemblance To Old Girlfriend

ATLANTA—Friends of David Buntrock told reporters Monday that his new girlfriend Katie Wickstrom looks unsettlingly similar to his former girlfriend Tonya Gill. "When I first saw them together I thought, 'Wow, did David and Tonya work things out?'" friend Angie Lisota said, explaining that both Wickstrom and Gill are petite, with cropped brown hair, big eyes, and a penchant for dressing like ballet dancers. "Even her voice sounds a little nasally, like Tonya's." According to Buntrock, Wickstrom "actually looks more like Audrey Hepburn."

Designers Opt To Stick With Last Year's Fashions

NEW YORK—The buzz around the 2005 Spring Fashion Week was "status quo," as top designers like Marc Jacobs and Oscar de la Renta chose to repeat their lines from 2004. "This spring is all about consistency," said Jacobs, who reintroduced a collection of gray and black slouchy long skirts. "We came out with a lot of great clothes last year, so we're gonna stick with those." Donna Karan agreed that "introducing a new look is a relic of the 20th century."

Bacon Just One Of Sprint's New Downloadable Ring Scents

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Wireless-phone-service provider Sprint PCS has added Hickory-Smoked Bacon to its quickly growing list of downloadable Ring Scents, which includes Pine Forest, New Car, and Cinnamon Potpourri. "Smells are stronger memory triggers than sounds, and now you can assign a different smell for everyone on your phone list," Sprint spokesperson Mindy Harris said. "We even have a line of Bling Scents like Cash, Crissy, and Blueberry. And we have Alabama Clay, Wet Dog, and Skoal Bandit for country-music fans." For customers who carry their cell phones in their mouths, Sprint will introduce Ring-Savors in January 2006.

510 Chuck E. Cheese Tickets Blown In Grape-Soda Induced Frenzy

CORDOVA, TN—Chuck E. Cheese patron Nathan Angrim, 9, was found passed out in a booth Monday, 510 game tickets poorer and surrounded by cheap toys, following a two-hour Welch's Grape Soda bender. "Dad, where'd all this stuff come from?" Angrim asked, gesturing to the plastic dinosaurs and slide whistles scattered across his pizza-sauce-stained T-shirt. "Last thing I remember, I was playing Skee-Ball. Oh, my head." The incident marks a backslide for Angrim, who swore that he wouldn't touch "the Grape" again, after last April, when he woke up shoeless in the colored-ball pool, his pinkies stuck in a Chinese finger trap.

Paris Review Receives Mysterious Plimpton Essay About Being A Ghost

NEW YORK—Paris Review editors report that they received an unsolicited essay from the late founder George Plimpton about his first-hand experiences as a ghost Tuesday. "I have always believed in immersing myself in my investigative work, be it as an acrobat, a boxer, or a Detroit Lion," read the cover letter accompanying the 3,200-word essay that materialized in the current editor's mailbox Monday. "Dying two years ago afforded me the unique opportunity to examine the afterlife from both sides of the Pearly Gates." Plimpton's letter said he would waive all payment, as he no longer has any use for things of the mortal world.

Bloodless Coup A Real Letdown

BISHKEK, KYRGYZSTAN—The masterminds behind the bloodless coup d'etat that wrested power from President Askar Akayev Sunday said they were disappointed by the peaceful, efficient execution of the regime change.

Israeli-Palestinian Cease-Fire

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon recently declared a cease-fire. What are some conditions of the peace accord?
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That Reminds Me Of Something Funny A Client Of Mine Allegedly Said

Ha ha! "Trimmed her topiary!" Ha ha, yes. A very funny story, my friend. Actually, that reminds me of something a client of mine is alleged to have said.

My esteemed fellow members of the Bahia Mar Marina, what I am about to tell you is by its very nature anecdotal and inadmissible as evidence insofar as my client is concerned.

Now, let me open by stating that my client has a long-standing reputation as a reputable loan and trust banker, an active supporter of his church, and a solid family man. The final characteristic, as will soon become clear, has some bearing upon my entertaining testimony. It is also important to note that my client has lived with dental pain for a good portion of his life—a fact that could be corroborated by numerous certified oral surgeons. Please notice that I frowned, creased my brow, and massaged the "molar" areas of my jaw in a manner said to be the habitual practice of my afflicted client.

With my client's long-standing dental problems established, I'll proceed. Last year, during the first weeks of baseball season, my client found what he described as "the aching in his molars" to be increasing in intensity. This statement was borne out by the vocal and voluntary testimony of my client's colleagues, who swore to the frequency and volume of my client's entreaties for solace from his pain. My client's dental-insurance statement would confirm that, on the advice of medical counsel, my client had the problematic teeth removed and was fitted for a set of dentures, henceforth referred to as "false teeth." My client had hoped the false teeth would not only put an end to his pain, but offer cosmetic benefits over his inferior natural teeth. Sadly, I have no examples to offer in exhibit, but offer as an analogue Mr. Wilbright's artificial hairpiece...

In light of the objections, I withdraw my comments regarding Mr. Wilbright.

Returning to my client's anecdote: Upon taking possession of his false teeth, my client did not, as anticipated, find that his discomfort had subsided. Contrariwise, my client reports that his pain doubled, changing from "dull and throbbing" to "constant and shooting." I concede that these descriptions are subjective, but submit that they go toward establishing hardship.

Yes, Mr. Carragher, I did mention the baseball season earlier. I intend to show relevance at this time.

Continuing: The pain—though "intense"—did not prevent my client from attending his son's baseball game. In point of fact, my client not only went to the game, but secured himself a seat right along what is termed the "first-base line." As further evidence that he was experiencing high levels of oral pain, I offer the additional point that my client did not partake of any peanuts, hot dogs, or soft drinks at this game.

Now, midway through the third inning, my client's son came to bat fourth in the order, with a player on every base. Excited by the offensive potential—not to mention the glory and public favor his son might curry with a "hit"—my client claims he leapt to his feet and clenched his teeth. This involuntary action caused him considerable pain. Just at that moment, the pitcher threw the ball—we have the pitcher's word on that—and my client's young son hit the ball with all his might. In spite of the young batter's intentions, the speeding ball did not travel to the outfield, but right to the groin area of my client, impacting him squarely in the scrotal sac. Witnesses unanimously state that my client assumed what is known as the "fetal position" for several minutes.

The next day, my client was in his dentist's office having his dentures refitted, and the dentist commented on the peculiar way my client was perched in the dentist chair. My client recounted how he had been hit by a baseball the previous day. When the dentist expressed sympathy for my client, my client waved off the remarks, saying—and I quote the verbal testimony of the dentist and his licensed hygienist—"Doc, that was the only time all week that I wasn't thinking about these goddamn false teeth."

Ladies and gentlemen, I freely admit that I have never experienced the pain of ill-fitting dentures or felt the impact of a baseball in my groin area. I am not an expert witness in this matter. What I say may be entirely without merit, but speaking freely: A line drive to the balls would make me forget just about anything. I tell you that pro bono.

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