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That Reminds Me Of Something Funny A Client Of Mine Allegedly Said

Ha ha! "Trimmed her topiary!" Ha ha, yes. A very funny story, my friend. Actually, that reminds me of something a client of mine is alleged to have said.

My esteemed fellow members of the Bahia Mar Marina, what I am about to tell you is by its very nature anecdotal and inadmissible as evidence insofar as my client is concerned.

Now, let me open by stating that my client has a long-standing reputation as a reputable loan and trust banker, an active supporter of his church, and a solid family man. The final characteristic, as will soon become clear, has some bearing upon my entertaining testimony. It is also important to note that my client has lived with dental pain for a good portion of his life—a fact that could be corroborated by numerous certified oral surgeons. Please notice that I frowned, creased my brow, and massaged the "molar" areas of my jaw in a manner said to be the habitual practice of my afflicted client.

With my client's long-standing dental problems established, I'll proceed. Last year, during the first weeks of baseball season, my client found what he described as "the aching in his molars" to be increasing in intensity. This statement was borne out by the vocal and voluntary testimony of my client's colleagues, who swore to the frequency and volume of my client's entreaties for solace from his pain. My client's dental-insurance statement would confirm that, on the advice of medical counsel, my client had the problematic teeth removed and was fitted for a set of dentures, henceforth referred to as "false teeth." My client had hoped the false teeth would not only put an end to his pain, but offer cosmetic benefits over his inferior natural teeth. Sadly, I have no examples to offer in exhibit, but offer as an analogue Mr. Wilbright's artificial hairpiece...

In light of the objections, I withdraw my comments regarding Mr. Wilbright.

Returning to my client's anecdote: Upon taking possession of his false teeth, my client did not, as anticipated, find that his discomfort had subsided. Contrariwise, my client reports that his pain doubled, changing from "dull and throbbing" to "constant and shooting." I concede that these descriptions are subjective, but submit that they go toward establishing hardship.

Yes, Mr. Carragher, I did mention the baseball season earlier. I intend to show relevance at this time.

Continuing: The pain—though "intense"—did not prevent my client from attending his son's baseball game. In point of fact, my client not only went to the game, but secured himself a seat right along what is termed the "first-base line." As further evidence that he was experiencing high levels of oral pain, I offer the additional point that my client did not partake of any peanuts, hot dogs, or soft drinks at this game.

Now, midway through the third inning, my client's son came to bat fourth in the order, with a player on every base. Excited by the offensive potential—not to mention the glory and public favor his son might curry with a "hit"—my client claims he leapt to his feet and clenched his teeth. This involuntary action caused him considerable pain. Just at that moment, the pitcher threw the ball—we have the pitcher's word on that—and my client's young son hit the ball with all his might. In spite of the young batter's intentions, the speeding ball did not travel to the outfield, but right to the groin area of my client, impacting him squarely in the scrotal sac. Witnesses unanimously state that my client assumed what is known as the "fetal position" for several minutes.

The next day, my client was in his dentist's office having his dentures refitted, and the dentist commented on the peculiar way my client was perched in the dentist chair. My client recounted how he had been hit by a baseball the previous day. When the dentist expressed sympathy for my client, my client waved off the remarks, saying—and I quote the verbal testimony of the dentist and his licensed hygienist—"Doc, that was the only time all week that I wasn't thinking about these goddamn false teeth."

Ladies and gentlemen, I freely admit that I have never experienced the pain of ill-fitting dentures or felt the impact of a baseball in my groin area. I am not an expert witness in this matter. What I say may be entirely without merit, but speaking freely: A line drive to the balls would make me forget just about anything. I tell you that pro bono.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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