That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked!

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 18

Five-Year-Old Convinced Dinosaur Bones Are Buried In Backyard

TACOMA, WA–Amateur archaeologist Joshua Bushnell, 5, announced Monday that he is certain that the remains of a dinosaur are buried in the Bushnell family backyard. "I have to dig up the bones to get them to the museum," Bushnell told his mother, Kathy Bushnell. "There's a big brontosaurus by the swingset." Bushnell has asked his mother to buy him a new digging tool that is larger than his plastic Fisher-Price sand shovel.

New Partially Digested Doritos Eliminate Tedious Chewing

DALLAS–At a press conference Monday, Frito-Lay unveiled "Doritos Soft," an exciting new partially digested version of the popular snack chip. "Now the great taste of Doritos comes pre-digested, so you don't have to," an upcoming print ad for the product read. "Packed with the same gastric enzymes you yourself secrete, Doritos Soft blasts that awesome nacho taste straight to your large intestine, 'cuz you're too biz-zay for chewin'!" The new product arrives in the wake of the success of Mountain Dew Gold, a soft drink that is 40 percent urine.

Villagers Turned Into Crack Fighting Squad Overnight

SILVER GULCH, NV–The good, God-fearing people of Silver Gulch, a sleepy frontier town known primarily for its pleasant annual Founder's Festival and Ma Beasley's delicious pies, expertly fended off Boss Cafferty's armed goons following their overnight transformation into a crack fighting squad Sunday. "Those gun-slinging prairie pirates were no match for little Molly O'Shea and her tater skillet!" town miller Pete Johnson whooped after the estimated two dozen heavily armed thugs were driven from Main Street. "And anyone who tries to muscle in on Silver Gulch's diamond mine can expect the same!" Johnson and his fellow townsfolk were whipped into fighting shape by reformed outlaw Bart "Three Finger" Hoskins during a seven-minute montage sequence.

Archangels Already Sick Of Cardinal O'Connor Telling Them How They Do It In New York

HEAVEN–Less than two weeks after his passage into God's Eternal Kingdom, Cardinal John O'Connor is already irritating the Archangels with his constant talk of Heaven's lack of facilities, culture, and cosmopolitanism compared to New York City, his former place of residence. "He doesn't complain about the manna, per se, but he won't let us forget that you can't find a decent Italian restaurant open around here after 11 p.m.," Archangel Gabriel said Monday. "We're also well aware that the Lord's Heavenly Choir doesn't hold a candle to the New York Choral Society, whose recent performance of Verdi's Requiem at Carnegie Hall was far better than anything the Cardinal ever expects to hear around here."

So My Readers Wish Me Dead

I am informed by The Onion Editorial Board that the mountain of mail calling for my death is increasing once again. This is nothing new, as it becomes fashionable to lust for the death of T. Herman Zweibel when-ever the Swiss economy is running smoothly. It does not pay to anger the Gnomes of Zurich!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Personal Finance

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked!

Wow, what a weekend! They say that part of being a teenager is knowing how to cut loose, and there's nothing quite like getting together with a big group of your peers and just "letting it rip." That teen-abstinence rally totally rocked!

We'd been looking forward to the rally for weeks, so when the big day finally arrived, we could scarcely contain ourselves. Chaperoned by our Christian Outreach adult supervisor, me and a bunch of my pals drove all the way down to Hendersonville in the Springdale Youth Ministry van. (A two-hour drive! We sang songs the whole way!) People came from all over the mid-state area, so you can imagine how pumped everyone was to get the rally started. And when Pastor Bob finally stepped to that podium and yelled, "Is everybody here excited about JEEEEEEEEEEE-SUS?" the place went totally nuts!

Some kids like to "party" and use "peer pressure" to get you to "do it." (Nobody's ever asked me to party with them, but if anyone ever did, I could see myself being tempted to go along.) Sure, it may sound like fun, but I've learned that sex is really just a "roadblock to holiness." There's only one real way to have a good time: Jesus! I realize that some teens may not consider praising God and resisting your body's sinful urges to be all that "rad," but boy, oh, boy, are they wrong!

After Pastor Bob got the crowd all revved up, he introduced the guest speaker. And guess who it was? Deborah White, Miss Teen Plovis County! Can you believe it? Wow, she sure was pretty. A girl like that could really make you want to glorify the Lord within the confines of the holy matrimonial bed, if you know what I'm saying!

Deborah said that even though she, like everybody else, sometimes feels evil, demon-planted desires deep within her loins, she was keeping herself pure and waiting for marriage, the way God intended. Just looking at her, I thought to myself, "I can't wait to someday enjoy the special feeling that comes when a man and a woman decide to do God's work and have a baby!" She told us that if we were patient and waited until child-conceiving age before learning anything about sex, that would make it so much more special! Isn't that rad?

Everywhere today's teenagers turn, they're bombarded with sexually explicit material. Television channels like HBO show R-rated movies without even bleeping out the dirty words. Public libraries openly stock books like Wifey by Judy Blume. Such magazines as Cosmopolitan and Harper's Bazaar contain underwear ads featuring models in nothing more than their underwear!

Not surprisingly, like a lot of teens out there, I was confused about my body and the plans the Lord had for it. I was having strange new feelings as I went through changes I didn't understand. I thought the MTV videos and the bikini girls on beer commercials were "cool," and I'd often think, "Gee, I wish I were like those older fellas who 'hang out' at the roller rink and press their bodies against girls when they dance." Well, no more! The rally's organizer, Extreme Teen Ministries, Inc., made it clear that girls who "put out" and boys with "Roman" hands are most definitely not cool. Whether they know it or not, they're doing Satan's work on Earth. But, thanks to Jesus' love, Satan is totally history, dude! He's outta here!

What a rockin' rally! After Miss Teen Plovis County spoke, we all went to the Hendersonville Civic Arena for a concert by Creatorz Handz, this totally awesome heavy-metal band! There were cool explosions, just like on WCW Nitro, only these were in the service of Christ! Then, after the band was done, a bunch of local teens performed a cool skit! Some of the teens were angels and some devils, and they fought over the souls of two tempted teens who were almost going to kiss. Man, was the crowd roaring when the angels finally won! Yeah!

Then, just when we thought the fun was over, we all had pizza and pop! Me and my Springdale Youth Ministry pals stayed out to 10 p.m. and didn't even get home until after midnight! See? You don't need to touch another person's body–or your own–to have a rockin' good time!

I used to harbor sin in my heart, staying up late trying to watch the scrambled channels on our family's cable TV. But now I know that the desperate urges that grip my immortal soul's mortal vessel, causing me to think about Becky Lundegaard for hours on end while I'm supposed to be studying, are nothing to heed right now. The Lord put those feelings in me for a very beautiful reason: so that one day, when I'm 18, I can fall in love, get married, and–hot-diggety!–immediately impregnate my wife! Then, nine months after my 18th birthday, I can experience the joy of bringing into the world a child who will one day grow up to be part of a whole new generation of Christ-loving abstinent teens, to continue His divine work here in Springdale.

Let's get ready to rock, people! Jesus is in the house, and He is way awesome!

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More