adBlockCheck

That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked!

Wow, what a weekend! They say that part of being a teenager is knowing how to cut loose, and there's nothing quite like getting together with a big group of your peers and just "letting it rip." That teen-abstinence rally totally rocked!

We'd been looking forward to the rally for weeks, so when the big day finally arrived, we could scarcely contain ourselves. Chaperoned by our Christian Outreach adult supervisor, me and a bunch of my pals drove all the way down to Hendersonville in the Springdale Youth Ministry van. (A two-hour drive! We sang songs the whole way!) People came from all over the mid-state area, so you can imagine how pumped everyone was to get the rally started. And when Pastor Bob finally stepped to that podium and yelled, "Is everybody here excited about JEEEEEEEEEEE-SUS?" the place went totally nuts!

Some kids like to "party" and use "peer pressure" to get you to "do it." (Nobody's ever asked me to party with them, but if anyone ever did, I could see myself being tempted to go along.) Sure, it may sound like fun, but I've learned that sex is really just a "roadblock to holiness." There's only one real way to have a good time: Jesus! I realize that some teens may not consider praising God and resisting your body's sinful urges to be all that "rad," but boy, oh, boy, are they wrong!

After Pastor Bob got the crowd all revved up, he introduced the guest speaker. And guess who it was? Deborah White, Miss Teen Plovis County! Can you believe it? Wow, she sure was pretty. A girl like that could really make you want to glorify the Lord within the confines of the holy matrimonial bed, if you know what I'm saying!

Deborah said that even though she, like everybody else, sometimes feels evil, demon-planted desires deep within her loins, she was keeping herself pure and waiting for marriage, the way God intended. Just looking at her, I thought to myself, "I can't wait to someday enjoy the special feeling that comes when a man and a woman decide to do God's work and have a baby!" She told us that if we were patient and waited until child-conceiving age before learning anything about sex, that would make it so much more special! Isn't that rad?

Everywhere today's teenagers turn, they're bombarded with sexually explicit material. Television channels like HBO show R-rated movies without even bleeping out the dirty words. Public libraries openly stock books like Wifey by Judy Blume. Such magazines as Cosmopolitan and Harper's Bazaar contain underwear ads featuring models in nothing more than their underwear!

Not surprisingly, like a lot of teens out there, I was confused about my body and the plans the Lord had for it. I was having strange new feelings as I went through changes I didn't understand. I thought the MTV videos and the bikini girls on beer commercials were "cool," and I'd often think, "Gee, I wish I were like those older fellas who 'hang out' at the roller rink and press their bodies against girls when they dance." Well, no more! The rally's organizer, Extreme Teen Ministries, Inc., made it clear that girls who "put out" and boys with "Roman" hands are most definitely not cool. Whether they know it or not, they're doing Satan's work on Earth. But, thanks to Jesus' love, Satan is totally history, dude! He's outta here!

What a rockin' rally! After Miss Teen Plovis County spoke, we all went to the Hendersonville Civic Arena for a concert by Creatorz Handz, this totally awesome heavy-metal band! There were cool explosions, just like on WCW Nitro, only these were in the service of Christ! Then, after the band was done, a bunch of local teens performed a cool skit! Some of the teens were angels and some devils, and they fought over the souls of two tempted teens who were almost going to kiss. Man, was the crowd roaring when the angels finally won! Yeah!

Then, just when we thought the fun was over, we all had pizza and pop! Me and my Springdale Youth Ministry pals stayed out to 10 p.m. and didn't even get home until after midnight! See? You don't need to touch another person's body–or your own–to have a rockin' good time!

I used to harbor sin in my heart, staying up late trying to watch the scrambled channels on our family's cable TV. But now I know that the desperate urges that grip my immortal soul's mortal vessel, causing me to think about Becky Lundegaard for hours on end while I'm supposed to be studying, are nothing to heed right now. The Lord put those feelings in me for a very beautiful reason: so that one day, when I'm 18, I can fall in love, get married, and–hot-diggety!–immediately impregnate my wife! Then, nine months after my 18th birthday, I can experience the joy of bringing into the world a child who will one day grow up to be part of a whole new generation of Christ-loving abstinent teens, to continue His divine work here in Springdale.

Let's get ready to rock, people! Jesus is in the house, and He is way awesome!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close