The Anti-Climax

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Good Times

The Anti-Climax

Well, John Law had caught up with us at last. His gun drawn, the sheriff's deputy told us that a farmer had alerted him of our presence.

"Sir," the deputy asked Standish, "why are you carting a corpse across the county? It is in clear violation of health ordinances. And look how it's decomposing."

"Damn you, sir, I am not a corpse!" I screamed. "I am the celebrated T. Herman Zweibel, erstwhile plutocrat, and yonder lies my fortune! And there are the rogues who stole it! Seize them, before they escape!"

As I said this, Mr. Tin lifted a lever on his chest. Pipes emerged from the soles of his feet, ignited, and propelled the ro-bot up in the air and away from the clearing. The deputy fired his pistol several times at Mr. Tin, but the bullets only bounced off his impregnable torso as he disappeared into the inky night. I had no idea the metal bastard could fly!

This left only Black Scarlet, who had recovered from his initial shock. As the deputy fired his final shot, Black Scarlet tackled him and knocked away his pistol. The foul highwayman then pried me off my wheel-chair, tossed me over his steed Ganymede, and rode off into the darkness, dodging bullets along the way. Having lost his swag, the scoundrel would kidnap me in a last desperate stand!

This is where the plot thickens considerably. Suffice to say that it involves a lot of shooting, duelling and night-riding, as well as visits to road-side ale-houses filled with lusty wenches and repeated notes of ransom to The Onion offices, not to mention Black Scarlet saying such things as, "We are a lot alike, Zweibel, you and I," and me replying, "The only thing we have in common is our undying hatred for one another, Scarlet!" and so forth.

Nightly as we made our camp and sat around a roaring fire, Black Scarlet would prattle on about his once being some "rocking and rolling star" named "Freddie Mercury" or some such nonsense, and how he had staged his own demise to covertly wage a one-man war against me. But I do not care if he was once King of Belgium. To me, he will always be a dirty thief and a ruthless abductor!

We are now concealed in an abandoned granary some-where in the country-side, where we await a delivery of ransom money. I so hope that my ordeal shall soon end. Between you and me, this is all getting rather anti-climactic. Just when one thinks things have finally come to a head and are about to be resolved, some-thing else happens that throws it all off. Drat it all!

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