The Black Men Was A Black Time At The Movies

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Vol 31 Issue 24

NATO Admits Slovenia, Mummenschanz, Czech Republic

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND—The North Atlantic Treaty Organization welcomed three new members Monday: former Soviet republic Slovenia, Swiss mask-mime troupe Mummenschanz, and the Czech Republic. "We are pleased to welcome three new allies in the peace process," NATO Secretary-General Javier Solana said at a press conference. "We anticipate a long and rewarding relationship with these new members, particularly the one with the crazy tube costumes." After Slovenian and Czech diplomats spoke to the press, Mummenschanz representatives affirmed their commitment to NATO with a whimsical seven-minute performance in which one member wearing a featureless clay mask attempted to imitate the intricately sculptured facial features of a fellow member. In return, Solana pledged the troupe full military backup if attacked, as well as $400 million in toilet-paper aid.

George Lucas Announces Gala 21st Anniversary Star Wars Rerelease

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Next summer's blockbusters will have some old-fashioned competition when the Star Wars trilogy gets a special 21st anniversary re-release in 4,600 theaters nationwide. George Lucas officially announced his rerelease plans Monday at 20th Century Fox headquarters. "In 1998, Star Wars will be 21 years old. As part of the celebration, we wanted to give Star Wars fans of all ages a chance to see the films the way they were meant to be seen—on the big screen," he said. "For the kids who were too young to see these movies when they were out last year, this should be a magical event." Also slated for next year: a special home-video release of Star Wars: Master Edition in celebration of the 16th anniversary of the film's video-store debut in 1982. Lucas promised brand-new footage in all the upcoming releases: "If you haven't seen Return Of The Jedi with the sandstorm scene," he said, "then you haven't seen it at all. You have been ripped off."

The Graying Of America's Prisons

As a result of the crime boom of the '70s and '80s, experts are predicting an explosion in the number of elderly prisoners in the coming decades. What do you think?

We Must Strike Now While England Is Weak!

Fellow Americans, to call for war is to be absolutely certain in one's convictions. And never have I been so certain of the necessity for bloodshed than at this moment in our history, for our enemy—a nation held in contempt by free men the world over—is weak, and her empire is slipping from her once-mighty grip. To speak the name of the tyrant is to befoul the mouth of Democracy. But speak it we must, if only to call the armed might of our nation down upon its foul malignancy. For arm ourselves we must—against the evil that is England!

Entertainment Tonight Acquires Exclusive Preview Footage

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an unprecedented act of journalistic subterfuge, Entertainment Tonight has acquired preview footage from the set of the upcoming action film Maximum Heat, giving ET viewers a rare opportunity to see a portion of a film that will not be in theaters until fall.

U.S. Secretary Of Beer: 'Woooo!'

WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised press conference, U.S. Secretary of Beer Earl Titleman shouted boisterously and implored the American people to get down, specifically exclaiming, "Woooo!" and raising both fists in the air. The statement marks the most high-profile public pronouncement from the Department of Beer and Malt Liquor since its May 1994 collaboration with the ATF on a landmark kegger. Titleman has come under fire in the past for his liberal stance on shotgunning and his inability to count backwards from 87. "Let's get the ladies in here," urged Titleman in his 23-minute speech. "I'll take 'em all on, 'cause I'm the Big Kahuna, and y'all know what that means."

Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide

WASHINGTON, DC—The six-millennia-old sky-father deity Yahweh, worshiped by Christians, Muslims and Jews alike for His alleged all-knowing compassion and vast benevolence toward humanity, refused comment following Monday's announcement that the U.S. Justice Department will investigate allegations of failure on His part to provide for His approximately 3.5 billion human followers.
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The Black Men Was A Black Time At The Movies

It has been said that there is no better time to see movies than during the summer time. Back when the world was young and long before the Great War, they made good movies all year round.

But now they only make movies for us to go and see and for me to review during the months of the summer season. These movies are called blockbuster movies, I suppose because people would bust their blocks in order to see them. But I did not want to bust my block to see the new movie called The Black Men starring Mr. Tommy Jones and his young colored sidekick, Will Barnaby.

Why do they no longer allow a man to smoke a fine cigar at the pictures? I think that a time spent in the bijou should be a time of relaxation, and I know of no better way to relax than with a fine cigar like the ones rolled by the young ladies of Cuba who are Cuban ladies who take their pants down and roll the cigars with their legs like they did before the devil man Fidle Castor took over the country and John Fitzgerald Kennedy (our president) told us that we could no longer buy cigars from the Cuba country which is located, I believe, somewhere south of the Florida state in the great American Southwest.

Hello to everyone in Florida! I appreciate the oranges and sunlight provided by you when you go to work for the greater good of the country, unlike the lad who works at Hardee's in my neighborhood and who so often forgets that I am partial to catsup.

I called my editor, Steve, and asked him if he would like for me to give him my two cents on the new Black Men movie, which was recently released with much fanfare, judging from the commercials I have read. But my editor, Steve, told me that he would not like for me to review that movie but if I wanted to I could review a taped videotape of an old Gene Autry movie because he knows that I am from the old days of Hollywood, when Gene Autry used to spin his guns like periscopes and shoot the villains of the Old West. Now those were movies!

So I had to go see the movie called Men Wearing Black by myself, because my editor, Steve, would not pay for a ticket and Toots (my wife of 52 years) told me that I would have to go see the movie by myself because she does not appreciate the art of the film.

I do not know why they call the movie I went to review Black Men, because only one of the two men who star in the picture is a black rapping man. Perhaps it is because of the color of their suits, which are black. There are also many space monsters in the movie, including one that is actually a dog. You should see Mr. Jones shake the dog!

Toots does not let me smoke cigars because she says it is bad for me and she does not want to be made a widow. So I do not smoke the cigars except for when I play poker with Thomas. But Thomas went on to his Great Reward in 1978, after he contracted a serious cold because his wife forgot to tell him to wear his shoes out in the snow.

I decided that when I was at the movies, I would enjoy a fine cigar like I used to when I would attend the theater as a young man. But the people in the theater told me that it was not allowed. What do they know? They cannot even deliver the paper on time. I mean the younger generation, of course, who delivers my paper, but sometimes they forget to deliver the Green Sheet, and I cannot read the funnies, not because I cannot read, but because the funnies are not there, only news from all corners of the globe. And the obituaries.

Also in the movie I saw there was a space ship.

I lit my cigar at the movies and, my God, you would not believe the ruckus it caused when I lit my cigar. First of all, the lady behind me told me to put out my cigar but I did not pay attention to her because she carried herself as if she were a member of the lower gentry. Then a man told me to put my cigar out. Then another man told me to put my cigar out. Then another man told me to put my cigar out. And then another man told me to put my cigar out. I ask you, where are their manners?

Then a young man approached me who identified himself as the manager of the establishment, but he was dressed in the sneakers. I assumed he was giving me guff, so I told him I would not put out my cigar. Then another man told me to put my cigar out. Then the manger said, "Hey, you, you can't smoke cigars in here!" and I told him I could and he said I couldn't. And then he said he would call the police, and it was then that I decided I had enough, so I put out my cigar and wrote down his name.

The name of the young man who told me I could not smoke a fine cigar in his theater was named Phillip. I told him I would write his name in my column and besmirch his good name, and he said fine, so I am now going to write his name in my movie review. His name is Phillip, and his theater did not treat me with any hospitality like I treat people when they come to visit me and Toots (my wife) but the only person who comes to visit us is my nephew, Kenneth, and he hasn't come for a visit in quite some time. Because he is in college. Go Cougars!

Men Black is not a very good movie. I could not relax because I was so worried that my cigar would burn me to bits, even though I put it out. I was worried that it would start my blazer on fire.

The movie was about men from the stars, and they looked quite strange in their unusual costumes and with many eyes on their heads. Do not go to see that movie, as it is not very good and I was not allowed to smoke a cigar.

The good old days! Those were the days. Until next time, I will see you on the Silver Screen, and I will not try to smoke a cigar anymore in Phillip's theater if he lets me come back some day, but he told me never to come back. But where else does he expect me to see a movie? At the dump? They do not show movies at the dump!

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted with permission of The Butternut Gazette in Butternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.

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