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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

The Black Men Was A Black Time At The Movies

It has been said that there is no better time to see movies than during the summer time. Back when the world was young and long before the Great War, they made good movies all year round.

But now they only make movies for us to go and see and for me to review during the months of the summer season. These movies are called blockbuster movies, I suppose because people would bust their blocks in order to see them. But I did not want to bust my block to see the new movie called The Black Men starring Mr. Tommy Jones and his young colored sidekick, Will Barnaby.

Why do they no longer allow a man to smoke a fine cigar at the pictures? I think that a time spent in the bijou should be a time of relaxation, and I know of no better way to relax than with a fine cigar like the ones rolled by the young ladies of Cuba who are Cuban ladies who take their pants down and roll the cigars with their legs like they did before the devil man Fidle Castor took over the country and John Fitzgerald Kennedy (our president) told us that we could no longer buy cigars from the Cuba country which is located, I believe, somewhere south of the Florida state in the great American Southwest.

Hello to everyone in Florida! I appreciate the oranges and sunlight provided by you when you go to work for the greater good of the country, unlike the lad who works at Hardee's in my neighborhood and who so often forgets that I am partial to catsup.

I called my editor, Steve, and asked him if he would like for me to give him my two cents on the new Black Men movie, which was recently released with much fanfare, judging from the commercials I have read. But my editor, Steve, told me that he would not like for me to review that movie but if I wanted to I could review a taped videotape of an old Gene Autry movie because he knows that I am from the old days of Hollywood, when Gene Autry used to spin his guns like periscopes and shoot the villains of the Old West. Now those were movies!

So I had to go see the movie called Men Wearing Black by myself, because my editor, Steve, would not pay for a ticket and Toots (my wife of 52 years) told me that I would have to go see the movie by myself because she does not appreciate the art of the film.

I do not know why they call the movie I went to review Black Men, because only one of the two men who star in the picture is a black rapping man. Perhaps it is because of the color of their suits, which are black. There are also many space monsters in the movie, including one that is actually a dog. You should see Mr. Jones shake the dog!

Toots does not let me smoke cigars because she says it is bad for me and she does not want to be made a widow. So I do not smoke the cigars except for when I play poker with Thomas. But Thomas went on to his Great Reward in 1978, after he contracted a serious cold because his wife forgot to tell him to wear his shoes out in the snow.

I decided that when I was at the movies, I would enjoy a fine cigar like I used to when I would attend the theater as a young man. But the people in the theater told me that it was not allowed. What do they know? They cannot even deliver the paper on time. I mean the younger generation, of course, who delivers my paper, but sometimes they forget to deliver the Green Sheet, and I cannot read the funnies, not because I cannot read, but because the funnies are not there, only news from all corners of the globe. And the obituaries.

Also in the movie I saw there was a space ship.

I lit my cigar at the movies and, my God, you would not believe the ruckus it caused when I lit my cigar. First of all, the lady behind me told me to put out my cigar but I did not pay attention to her because she carried herself as if she were a member of the lower gentry. Then a man told me to put my cigar out. Then another man told me to put my cigar out. Then another man told me to put my cigar out. And then another man told me to put my cigar out. I ask you, where are their manners?

Then a young man approached me who identified himself as the manager of the establishment, but he was dressed in the sneakers. I assumed he was giving me guff, so I told him I would not put out my cigar. Then another man told me to put my cigar out. Then the manger said, "Hey, you, you can't smoke cigars in here!" and I told him I could and he said I couldn't. And then he said he would call the police, and it was then that I decided I had enough, so I put out my cigar and wrote down his name.

The name of the young man who told me I could not smoke a fine cigar in his theater was named Phillip. I told him I would write his name in my column and besmirch his good name, and he said fine, so I am now going to write his name in my movie review. His name is Phillip, and his theater did not treat me with any hospitality like I treat people when they come to visit me and Toots (my wife) but the only person who comes to visit us is my nephew, Kenneth, and he hasn't come for a visit in quite some time. Because he is in college. Go Cougars!

Men Black is not a very good movie. I could not relax because I was so worried that my cigar would burn me to bits, even though I put it out. I was worried that it would start my blazer on fire.

The movie was about men from the stars, and they looked quite strange in their unusual costumes and with many eyes on their heads. Do not go to see that movie, as it is not very good and I was not allowed to smoke a cigar.

The good old days! Those were the days. Until next time, I will see you on the Silver Screen, and I will not try to smoke a cigar anymore in Phillip's theater if he lets me come back some day, but he told me never to come back. But where else does he expect me to see a movie? At the dump? They do not show movies at the dump!

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted with permission of The Butternut Gazette in Butternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.

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