The Divorce Was Unfortunate, But I'm Glad We Handled It Like Total Animals

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Family

The First Years

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...

Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

They’re In A Fight Or Something

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...
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Family

The First Years

The Divorce Was Unfortunate, But I'm Glad We Handled It Like Total Animals

I can't believe it's really over. Twenty-three years of marriage, done. Signed away with a couple of forms. We used to be so in love. What ever happened? I suppose we'll never know. But if there's one thing I can take solace in after all this, it's the fact that—right up until the very end—we acted like heinous, backstabbing beasts.

I realize this divorce has been tough on both of us, Neal. But at least we conducted ourselves without even a shred of compassion for the other person. That much we can say for certain.

You know I'll always have feelings for you. Nothing can change that. Not the divorce, not the terrible things I said about you and your mother, or the months of ceaseless and petty bickering during which we stubbornly refused to acknowledge our own pain and vulnerability, and instead went at each other's throats like two ravenous wolverines fighting over the putrid deer carcass that was once our love.

May I also say that, even though we have only a few paltry assets between us that could have been simply and amicably divided, I'm glad each of us chose to hire two lawyers. The six months of expensive litigation during which we went back on every vow of our marriage, dragged our young children through a painful custody battle, and alienated all of our mutual friends were truly an apt finale to the love we squandered.

Life doesn't always turn out the way you expected, I guess. From the first moment I met you, I was sure we'd spend the rest of our lives together. We created a family, shared our joys and our fears, and grew closer in love and understanding. But if that dream wasn't meant to be, then I, for one, am glad that our last few months together were spent shrieking obscenities through locked doors in front of our kids. After all, we spent almost half our lives together. It only makes sense to part ways with nothing but malice and unfounded accusations of adultery.

I hope one day I can look back on our marriage and remember the good things. We had some fun times didn't we? Like that summer we took the kids up to Lake Leelanau, and you covered your body in sand and seaweed and chased them around the cabin, pretending to be the monster of Gitche Gumee? We ate crabs on the dock with our feet hanging in the water, and I told you I'd love you until my last breath. And then, 11 years later, I stood in a courtroom and swore before a judge that I've seen you hit our daughter on several occasions, and that I worry about your drinking. Remember that?

Memories like that will stay with us forever.

Memories of the way we attacked each other's personal reputations like a pack of hyenas tearing apart a young gazelle. Of how we slashed and ripped each other like crazed sharks in a feeding frenzy, maddened into irrational spasms of carnage and gore by the smell of fresh blood in the open water. Of how we snarled and spat, like saber-toothed tigers digging their fangs into the flank of a stunned woolly mammoth and bringing it to the ground as it thrashes and howls in pain.

We'll always have that.

There's no reason divorce has to be a terrible experience. What's important is that we both know in our heart of hearts that our divorce was as bad as it could be. It's a comfort to think that the utter dissolution of our marriage was as ugly as humanly possible, without resorting to actual, physical violence. After all, we're adults, right? There's no reason we shouldn't handle this matter with the maturity of two screaming, biting five-year-olds.

If not for us, then for our children. Or should I say your child and my child, now that the custody battles are finally settled?

Well, my darling ex-husband, it has certainly been memorable being your wife, your lover, and the counterclaimant in several vicious lawsuits. Even though our marriage has come to an end in the most spiteful manner possible, I hope that when you think of me, your once-wife, and the life we shared together, some part of you will always know that you can suck my dick, you two-faced, no-good fuckhead. I hope you burn in hell.

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