The Federation Is Too Lenient About The Prime Directive

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WASHINGTON, DC—In a report delivered to top Defense Department officials Monday, U.S. Defense Secretary William Cohen announced that he is in love and feels more alive than he has ever felt in his life. "You would not believe this woman. You have to meet her," the 415-page report reads. "She is the one. The one." Cohen was recently censured by the Clinton Administration for spending a majority of his workdays writing "Lois Burkowski Cohen" on his desk and notepads, and spinning around humming while walking. This is believed to be the most smitten a Clinton Cabinet member has been since May 1994, when Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala started going steady with Volcano star Anne Heche.

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BOSTON—A new study released in the New England Journal Of Medacine STOP Un-Medacine Medicine Medicine GO revealed that Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders, once thought to stem from neurochemicl STOP Un-neurochemicl neurochemical neurochemical GO deficiencies, may actually occur from a genetic predisposition STOP Un-occur from a genetic predisposition occur due to a genetic predisposition occur due to a genetic predisposition GO. "We have meticulously researched and organized volumes of material confirming this new theory," said team head Dr. Joseph Panos of Tufts University, addressing reporters from a perfectly symmetrical podium/ STOP. Un-/ ... END.

Zoning Committee Meets, Zones A Bunch Of Shit

NORCROSS, GA—The Norcross City Council zoning committee is celebrating what it described as a "monster" zoning session Monday. "Man, we were zoning shit left and right. You wouldn't believe the shit we zoned," Norcross mayor Ben Richards told reporters after the four-hour meeting. "Aw, man," said city ombudsman Dennis Mozell, "we so totally zoned the shit out of the 2800 block of Jefferson Avenue. We're talking no commercial use—residential only. We were zonin'."

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The Federation Is Too Lenient About The Prime Directive

Assembled sentients, I greet you in the name of the peoples of Earth, and wish that you may live long and prosper!

Now, let's get down to business.

As even the lowliest mudfarmer on Deneb IV knows, Starfleet's Prime Directive is intended to preserve the cultural integrity of developing alien worlds. Starship officers are forbidden to interfere with the development of any pre-warp culture. The need for such a law is obvious: The Federation is complicated enough as it is, populated with spacefaring Klingons, Romulans, Humans, Bajorans, Ferengi and so on. I mean, just imagine if the pre-industrial Boralans had access to replicators, or the tribal people of Omega IV were wandering about the Enterprise! It would be impossible to expect their civilizations to evolve at a normal fashion after such experiences!

But here's what really drifts my neutrinos: Despite the fact that violation of the Prime Directive is strictly forbidden (as well it should be), on numerous occasions throughout Starfleet history it has been blatantly disregarded!

I do not believe that I am being sacrilegious in saying this. I only mean to call attention to the actions of several Starfleet officers who, for whatever reasons, have allowed personal motivations to overwhelm their better judgment.

By this point, I'm sure you can guess that I'm referring to the events of star date 4211.4, when one faction among the warring inhabitants of a bronze-age planet were being provided with flintlock rifles by the Klingon Empire. Captain James T. Kirk, in command of the Federation starship Enterprise, "solved" this problem by providing the same weapons to the other side! Apparently, in the age of warp drive and transporter beam technology, two wrongs do make a right.

But as you well know, that's not the only time the esteemed Captain Kirk used emotion-driven logic to openly flout the Directive. On star date 3156.2, he interfered with the development of a preatomic civilization which was being controlled by a central computer. Kirk's rationale this time? That the civilization was not developing at all, but stagnant!

A convenient excuse, I suppose. The good captain, always ambitious and aggressive to a fault, obeyed the letter of the law. But the spirit of the law, as well as the spirit of longtime Federation observers like myself, was irreparably broken.

Perhaps the great Captain—and later Admiral—James Tiberius Kirk was not the great commander we had thought, but an arrogant bully who made a career out of a muscular, old-fashioned, 20th-century brand of diplomacy. (Remember, this is the man who looked the Organians in their plasma-based eyes and said, "I'm a soldier, not a diplomat," while in the midst of the most delicate peace-treaty negotiations of his era!)

True, Kirk's career was during the Federation's golden age of expansion and exploration, a time historians consider to have begun with Zephram Cochrane's discovery of warp drive and ended with the treaty signed with the Klingons on star date 9529.1. It was a swashbuckling time, a time of great triumphs for the UFP, and many tend to forgive the Directive transgressions of that era, for romantic reasons if nothing else.

But such shoddy treatment of the Federation's fundamental law is not limited to Starfleet's past.

Consider one particular case, by no means isolated, from the modern era. The ship is Starfleet's newly commissioned flagship, the Enterprise NCC-1701-D, Captain Jean-Luc Picard commanding. The star date is 42695.3, the location the tectonically unstable fourth planet of the Secundi Drelma system, a world about to be torn apart by volcanic action. The senior officers of the Enterprise all agree that helping the planet's inhabitants would constitute a violation of the Prime Directive. And so it would. But that intrepid android, Lt. Commander Data, intercepts a radio transmission from a young girl who lives on Secundi Drelma IV. Captain Picard is so moved by the winsome lass' plight that he finds a way to save her planet.

Heroic? Perhaps. Admirable? Certainly not! By allowing themselves to be influenced by wanton emotionalism, the officers of the Enterprise-D put the balance of that entire quadrant in jeopardy!

Where Kirk's brashness and quick temper led him wrong, Picard's fatal flaw is a surfeit of compassion. He allowed Dr. Nicholai Rozhenko, a prominent anthropologist and the brother of Picard's chief of security, to go unpunished after marrying a Boralan woman. Then, after failing to uphold the Prime Directive, he literally shattered it, using the Enterprise holodeck to relocate the doomed Boralans to a safer planet!

There are probably countless other instances of Prime Directive violation, but given the slow process of taping the once-weekly syndicated broadcasts of Federation-related data by my local CBS affiliate, I cannot verify them all at this time. But rest assured, my tireless investigation will continue.

I mean no disrespect to Picard. I consider him to be the finest commanding officer I have ever seen in action. And until I graduate at the top of my class at Starfleet Academy and spend years as captain of Starfleet's flagship, I am unfit to criticize him.

But all great men have fatal flaws, and misplaced compassion can be as deadly and unstable as a phaser on overload. With this in mind, I propose that a Vulcan sociology officer be posted on each Federation ship, charged with the responsibility of using his dispassionate logic to weigh the balance of each primitive-culture interaction and suppress that which might place the United Federation of Planets in jeopardy.

The Prime Directive must be held inviolate. No less than the harmonious future of the galaxy itself depends upon it!

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