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The Final Frontier

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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The Final Frontier

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Standish and I are currently hurtling away from the Earth in a giant metal rocket-ship. It turns out that the obelisk in which we were hiding as the murderous Society Of 800 Avenging Fists attacked my poor son N. Aeschylus was not an immobile object at all, but a powerful mortar-shell timed to automatically propel it-self from the Earth's grip.

Standish tells me we are approaching the speed of light, and that N. Aeschylus, my son and creator of the device, set the vessel's coordinates to a place called the Andromeda Galaxy. In fact, Standish is transmitting this column to Earth on a ship-board wireless-radio. He says we are quickly losing contact with Earth, so I should make haste.

Standish also claims that N. Aeschylus designed the rocket-ship so he could flee Earth after destroying my estate and slaying me in a bizarre ritual, but that he was thwarted by the surprise attack. Standish has always had some-thing against that sweet tot, and I don't know why. I would have Standish stoned to death if I were able-bodied.

What-ever happens to us, I want the citizenry of the Republic to know that The Onion will always be in good hands. Should it turn out that my beloved heir N. Aeschylus succumbed to the ambush or to the intense heat-blast of the rocket-ship's engines, control of this news-paper must be granted to a joint directorship composed of Bernard Baruch and Aunt Jemima. I am confident that these two titans of American states-manship will adroitly guide The Onion into the 20th century.

As for my readers, I will always look upon them with a combination of unconditional love and bottom-less hatred. All I ask is that you continue to solemnly observe Zweibelmas every Sept. 21. A few grief-crazed suicides in my name wouldn't hurt, either.

For my part, I am already finding the rocket-ship's accommodations ingenious and pleasing. Standish has discovered some-thing called a "replicator," which can produce any-thing from enema-bulbs to cozy shawls, seemingly out of thin air. And, most wondrous of all, we found my old iron lung, with which the evil Mr. Tin absconded several years ago! It's in pristine condition, just as I remember it! A final gift from my ingenious and beloved son. I wonder how he knew.

Come, Standish, come away from that wireless-radio and seal me into it.

Yes, I think every-thing will be just dandy from here on in.

Huzzah!

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