The First Wife's Club Had Divorced Women In It

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Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...
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The First Wife's Club Had Divorced Women In It

I saw an advertisement on the television set the other night while I was watching my favorite program, Archie Bunker, for the movie which is called The First Wifes Club. And I was watching the television with my wife, Toots, because she is often laughing at the antics of the wife on that program because she is a wife, too.

So I decided to see the First Wifes Movie to review for you in my column, and I decided to take Toots, because she is my wife, and I thought she might enjoy a night at the pictures.

The pictures! In my day, a night at the pictures with your lady meant a night of romance. But alas, today at the pictures people are too busy watching the violence and the action to be hit by Cupid's arrow.

When I was a young man of 27 I would go to see the movies with a dame on my arm, and we would sit in the balcony and if I was lucky she would let me reach into her sack of delicious candied figs, which they sold in those days. But today you go to the movies, and all they sell you are expensive foods that are too salty, and they cost you a lot of hard-earned money, too.

I told the fellow at the concessions stand that I should get some free popped corn because I was the critic for the local Gazette, but he just told me that he had never read my column and that I would have to step aside because the lady behind me wanted to buy a Fanta. If that young man only knew of the influence I wield in the town of the movies, Hollywood, he would treat me with more respect, I imagine. But he would never make it in the pictures anyway because he had a face like a sack of yams.

Toots and I went to see the movie called The First Wifes Club because I wanted to review it. So I saw the movie, and then I called my editor and he told me they did not need a review so I threw my review in the garbage but then he called me back to say that they would be able to run my review after all so I went to the garbage and dug my review of The First Wifes Club out of the garbage and the garbage smelled foul and my sportcoat got a coffee stain on it.

So I took my sportcoat to the cleaners and they said the stain might be hard to get out. I will tell you in my next column if they were able to get the stain out. My mother could always clean the stains, even if they were made with jam! So I do not see why the cleaners cannot get a stain out. My mother died in 1947, two years before my father.

So here is my review of The First Wife's Club:

I went to see the movie called The First Wife's Club. It is not a very good movie. I went with my wife, Toots, and we were surprised to see that the ladies in question were not wifes at all, but divorced women of questionable moral standing. One of them was played by the actress Goldie Pond, and she was a firebrand!

I do not think that people should take the institution of marriage lightly. Toots and I were married in 1943, and it has not always been smooth sailing but we never got the divorce. Because it is said that divorce goes against the laws of man and God! And when we took our vows we decided to stay together "until death do us part." And we are still living so we are still married.

These young people today get married, and then they think it is all a big joke and they get a divorce the first time they get in a fight and throw pans at each other.

I have never been in a fight with Toots, but one time she hit me with a rolling pin because she was angry that I was not trying to get a job but I was getting checks from the government so there was no reason for me to get a job and I wanted to stay home and watch the fights. I must admit that my skull hurt for some time afterward.

There was also a scene in The First Wifes Club where they dropped a piano out of a window, and it looked to me to be a waste of a fine piano.

In conclusion, let me just say that The First Wifes Club made me wish I had a club so I could hit myself on the head with the club and then I would not have to watch the movie, because it was a real sleeper, and not very reverent! I will review a movie next month and maybe I will appreciate that one better, but I am not sure.

But there is still no business like show business, like no business I know. Everything about it is appealing, anything the traffic will allow. Nowhere can you get that happy feeling when you are stealing that extra bow. That is a song I once heard.

Until next time, I'll see you on the Silver Screen.

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted from the Butternut Gazette in Butternut, Ohio. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.