How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News


The First Wife's Club Had Divorced Women In It

I saw an advertisement on the television set the other night while I was watching my favorite program, Archie Bunker, for the movie which is called The First Wifes Club. And I was watching the television with my wife, Toots, because she is often laughing at the antics of the wife on that program because she is a wife, too.

So I decided to see the First Wifes Movie to review for you in my column, and I decided to take Toots, because she is my wife, and I thought she might enjoy a night at the pictures.

The pictures! In my day, a night at the pictures with your lady meant a night of romance. But alas, today at the pictures people are too busy watching the violence and the action to be hit by Cupid's arrow.

When I was a young man of 27 I would go to see the movies with a dame on my arm, and we would sit in the balcony and if I was lucky she would let me reach into her sack of delicious candied figs, which they sold in those days. But today you go to the movies, and all they sell you are expensive foods that are too salty, and they cost you a lot of hard-earned money, too.

I told the fellow at the concessions stand that I should get some free popped corn because I was the critic for the local Gazette, but he just told me that he had never read my column and that I would have to step aside because the lady behind me wanted to buy a Fanta. If that young man only knew of the influence I wield in the town of the movies, Hollywood, he would treat me with more respect, I imagine. But he would never make it in the pictures anyway because he had a face like a sack of yams.

Toots and I went to see the movie called The First Wifes Club because I wanted to review it. So I saw the movie, and then I called my editor and he told me they did not need a review so I threw my review in the garbage but then he called me back to say that they would be able to run my review after all so I went to the garbage and dug my review of The First Wifes Club out of the garbage and the garbage smelled foul and my sportcoat got a coffee stain on it.

So I took my sportcoat to the cleaners and they said the stain might be hard to get out. I will tell you in my next column if they were able to get the stain out. My mother could always clean the stains, even if they were made with jam! So I do not see why the cleaners cannot get a stain out. My mother died in 1947, two years before my father.

So here is my review of The First Wife's Club:

I went to see the movie called The First Wife's Club. It is not a very good movie. I went with my wife, Toots, and we were surprised to see that the ladies in question were not wifes at all, but divorced women of questionable moral standing. One of them was played by the actress Goldie Pond, and she was a firebrand!

I do not think that people should take the institution of marriage lightly. Toots and I were married in 1943, and it has not always been smooth sailing but we never got the divorce. Because it is said that divorce goes against the laws of man and God! And when we took our vows we decided to stay together "until death do us part." And we are still living so we are still married.

These young people today get married, and then they think it is all a big joke and they get a divorce the first time they get in a fight and throw pans at each other.

I have never been in a fight with Toots, but one time she hit me with a rolling pin because she was angry that I was not trying to get a job but I was getting checks from the government so there was no reason for me to get a job and I wanted to stay home and watch the fights. I must admit that my skull hurt for some time afterward.

There was also a scene in The First Wifes Club where they dropped a piano out of a window, and it looked to me to be a waste of a fine piano.

In conclusion, let me just say that The First Wifes Club made me wish I had a club so I could hit myself on the head with the club and then I would not have to watch the movie, because it was a real sleeper, and not very reverent! I will review a movie next month and maybe I will appreciate that one better, but I am not sure.

But there is still no business like show business, like no business I know. Everything about it is appealing, anything the traffic will allow. Nowhere can you get that happy feeling when you are stealing that extra bow. That is a song I once heard.

Until next time, I'll see you on the Silver Screen.

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted from the Butternut Gazette in Butternut, Ohio. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close