adBlockCheck

The Four Seasons Of Smoove

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Four Seasons Of Smoove

Watching the seasons change puts Smoove in a reflective state of mind. When Smoove becomes reflective, he begins to ponder the essential nature of romance. Many have noticed that my thoughts on this subject have become deeper over the years and, perhaps, more spiritual. Some have even gone so far as to call me the Dalai Lama of Love.

At this time I do not wish to confirm or deny my complete authority on all matters of seduction.

I do, however, wish to discuss how the four seasons can fundamentally alter one's very groove. One must adapt to the sensual rhythms of each season, or else his game will suffer.

While a man of refined tastes such as Smoove may appreciate the highest quality silk shirts and Keith Sweat CDs, he must also appreciate the power of nature if he is to stoke the flame in a woman's heart so that it threatens to burn out of control. Only an experienced love man can helicopter in, keep that fire contained, and use it to clear away any unwanted underbrush so that the woman's heart can grow back stronger than ever before. It is then that she can be hit doggy style all night.

Damn.

So let us examine the nature of the seasons closely and see how they can affect getting your swerve on. Cut this out and file it or put it on your fridge, as I will not share these thoughts again.

Autumn: a time to harvest all the sexy seeds you planted in the summer.

Pros:

—You can dress real fine without sweating too much

—Apple-flavored cocktails

—Ladies whose sexiness you've never noticed before suddenly dress sexy for Halloween

Cons:

—Hard to inflame a woman's passion with dishes made from squash

—Falling leaves can mess up your hair

—Thanksgiving week is a hard time for romance

Winter: a time to get cozy with the ladies and grind together for warmth.

Pros:

—Longest nights of the year

—Ladies love getting freaked wild in front of a fireplace

—Smoove looks good in sweaters. Real good

Cons:

—Ice on sidewalk can make it difficult to be smooth

—In the dry air, it is harder to keep your skin supple

—Winter blahs

Spring: a time for the frost to melt away, and for the ladies to melt with desire.

Pros:

—Fine women with sexy new outfits they can't wait to wear

—Grilled asparagus drives ladies wild

—Sudden spring showers can be the most erotic thing in the world

Cons:

—Too many amateurs clogging up the game

—Sometimes during this season a woman wants a baby. Smoove's baby

—Mud can mess up your finest gear to the point that it is no longer wearable

You may have noticed that I've skipped a season. That's because summer is not a time for romance. I know this statement is bound to stir up controversy. "But Smoove," people will say, "summer is very sexy. The women wear skimpy outfits, the heat drives them wild, and all of them want to sex you."

For this very reason, summer is not about seduction. It is about busting a nut. That is all Smoove will say on this matter.*

Much of this deep reflection on the essential nature of love has only been possible because my one true girl has moved away to San Diego. Girl, if you are reading this column, I just want to say: I will always love you. Just say the word and I will be by your side, ready to cover your naked body with precious stones and intricately crafted bracelets.

That is my forever promise.

Also, I must ask that you change your Facebook setting to "private" so that I can no longer see the pictures of you enjoying a life without Smoove. It is very painful, but you know I cannot help myself. Do the right thing. Switch those settings, girl.

Smoove out.

-----------------

*In the season's defense, summer is the time of year when the corn is at its very freshest.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close