The Gold Standard Must Be Maintained

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

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The Gold Standard Must Be Maintained

To-day's Message concerns the importance of maintaining the gold standard, which has long been the bed-rock of monetary policy in our Great Republic. The printing of more green-backs would only prompt inflation and severely under-mine the Republic's over-all prosperity...

AAAAAGH! Help! There's a mule in my room! Help! Murder! Poison! Nurse! Standish! Help!

The wretched beast is leaving his dirty hoof-prints upon my tastefully appointed Persian rug. Help, nurse, help!

Oh, would you look at this. Now he is kicking his hind legs against my armoire, over and over. He will upset the jars of urine I keep within! Some-one please bridle this infamous brute, before it is too late! Help!

AIEEEEEE! Oh, horrors! Now the creature has the audacity to climb upon my death-bed and is craning his enormous head toward me! Spare me, Mr. Mule, I beg of you! I will build you an emerald-encrusted stable, and you shall dine on the finest carrots and sugar-lumps! Please, do not harm the Republic's greatest news-paper-man!

What's this? Why, of all the blasted cheek! The animal has snatched my night-cap off my head and is proceeding to eat it! Abhorrent pest, how I detest you! Making a fool out of a helpless old plutocrat! Where is that incompetent nurse and man-servant of mine?

Now the beast is loudly braying, as though in mocking laughter. The foul fiend! I am aghast at the insolence of this mule-beast. Once there was a time in which mules thought twice before defying a Zweibel. Why, mules used to tremble as I promenaded down the street, wearing my mule-skin suit and bowler-hat! Be assured that I took no guff from a mule or any other living thing! To think I have lived to see the day in which a lowly mule has made a laughing-stock of me!

The presence of this mule is undoubtedly the work of those street-urchins who live in the small village near my immense estate. When they are not busy showing up rich and stuck-up folks in the neighborhood, they are busy putting on noisome amateur variety shows or dodging the village constable! I have had it with those little rascals! I shall have them locked up in the county orphanage, where they will eat mush until they keel over from old age!

In the mean-time, I must contend with this ruthless mule, who continues to run amok. Miserable beast! Nurse, Standish, help! Helllllp!