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The Gold Standard Must Be Maintained

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

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PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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The Gold Standard Must Be Maintained

To-day's Message concerns the importance of maintaining the gold standard, which has long been the bed-rock of monetary policy in our Great Republic. The printing of more green-backs would only prompt inflation and severely under-mine the Republic's over-all prosperity...

AAAAAGH! Help! There's a mule in my room! Help! Murder! Poison! Nurse! Standish! Help!

The wretched beast is leaving his dirty hoof-prints upon my tastefully appointed Persian rug. Help, nurse, help!

Oh, would you look at this. Now he is kicking his hind legs against my armoire, over and over. He will upset the jars of urine I keep within! Some-one please bridle this infamous brute, before it is too late! Help!

AIEEEEEE! Oh, horrors! Now the creature has the audacity to climb upon my death-bed and is craning his enormous head toward me! Spare me, Mr. Mule, I beg of you! I will build you an emerald-encrusted stable, and you shall dine on the finest carrots and sugar-lumps! Please, do not harm the Republic's greatest news-paper-man!

What's this? Why, of all the blasted cheek! The animal has snatched my night-cap off my head and is proceeding to eat it! Abhorrent pest, how I detest you! Making a fool out of a helpless old plutocrat! Where is that incompetent nurse and man-servant of mine?

Now the beast is loudly braying, as though in mocking laughter. The foul fiend! I am aghast at the insolence of this mule-beast. Once there was a time in which mules thought twice before defying a Zweibel. Why, mules used to tremble as I promenaded down the street, wearing my mule-skin suit and bowler-hat! Be assured that I took no guff from a mule or any other living thing! To think I have lived to see the day in which a lowly mule has made a laughing-stock of me!

The presence of this mule is undoubtedly the work of those street-urchins who live in the small village near my immense estate. When they are not busy showing up rich and stuck-up folks in the neighborhood, they are busy putting on noisome amateur variety shows or dodging the village constable! I have had it with those little rascals! I shall have them locked up in the county orphanage, where they will eat mush until they keel over from old age!

In the mean-time, I must contend with this ruthless mule, who continues to run amok. Miserable beast! Nurse, Standish, help! Helllllp!

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