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The Gold Standard Must Be Maintained

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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The Gold Standard Must Be Maintained

To-day's Message concerns the importance of maintaining the gold standard, which has long been the bed-rock of monetary policy in our Great Republic. The printing of more green-backs would only prompt inflation and severely under-mine the Republic's over-all prosperity...

AAAAAGH! Help! There's a mule in my room! Help! Murder! Poison! Nurse! Standish! Help!

The wretched beast is leaving his dirty hoof-prints upon my tastefully appointed Persian rug. Help, nurse, help!

Oh, would you look at this. Now he is kicking his hind legs against my armoire, over and over. He will upset the jars of urine I keep within! Some-one please bridle this infamous brute, before it is too late! Help!

AIEEEEEE! Oh, horrors! Now the creature has the audacity to climb upon my death-bed and is craning his enormous head toward me! Spare me, Mr. Mule, I beg of you! I will build you an emerald-encrusted stable, and you shall dine on the finest carrots and sugar-lumps! Please, do not harm the Republic's greatest news-paper-man!

What's this? Why, of all the blasted cheek! The animal has snatched my night-cap off my head and is proceeding to eat it! Abhorrent pest, how I detest you! Making a fool out of a helpless old plutocrat! Where is that incompetent nurse and man-servant of mine?

Now the beast is loudly braying, as though in mocking laughter. The foul fiend! I am aghast at the insolence of this mule-beast. Once there was a time in which mules thought twice before defying a Zweibel. Why, mules used to tremble as I promenaded down the street, wearing my mule-skin suit and bowler-hat! Be assured that I took no guff from a mule or any other living thing! To think I have lived to see the day in which a lowly mule has made a laughing-stock of me!

The presence of this mule is undoubtedly the work of those street-urchins who live in the small village near my immense estate. When they are not busy showing up rich and stuck-up folks in the neighborhood, they are busy putting on noisome amateur variety shows or dodging the village constable! I have had it with those little rascals! I shall have them locked up in the county orphanage, where they will eat mush until they keel over from old age!

In the mean-time, I must contend with this ruthless mule, who continues to run amok. Miserable beast! Nurse, Standish, help! Helllllp!

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