The Golden Age Of Zweibel Revisited

In This Section

Vol 34 Issue 02

Need For Coffee Overrides Scalding Sensation

ESCONDIDO, CA—Need for caffeine won out over intense, searing pain Tuesday, as Escondido-area coffee drinker Stephanie Cutler continued to drink her morning cup after sustaining third-degree burns on her tongue, lips and esophagus. "Must have coffee," said Cutler, pausing to scream between sips of the deadly 150-degree beverage. "Must have coffee."

Horrible Pack Of Theme-Restaurant Waitresses Alerted Of Patron's Birthday

LODI, MI—At the last moment, a cackling, seething coven of waitresses at a local Chi Chi's was alerted to restaurant patron Jim Alea's 32nd birthday Monday. "Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy birthday, to you," shrieked the aproned harpies in a 20-second chant which, according to one witness, "seemed to flare out into a thousand eternities." Alea grimaced in horror at the fast-clapping she-demons before slumping under the weight of a 25-pound Chi Chi's "birthday sombrero."

Pepsico Marketing Mix-Up Results In $300 Million Lemon-Lime Doritos Campaign

PURCHASE, NY—Pepsico executives are blaming "interdepartmental miscommunication" for the recent $300 million rollout of "Citrus Blast" lemon-lime Doritos. "Apparently, there was some sort of marketing mix-up, resulting in a spectacularly unappealing snack chip," said Pepsico director of product development Jim Schumann, apologizing for the millions of bags of sugary, tart tortilla chips now glutting the nation's supermarkets. "Please bear with us while these unfortunate chips are removed from store shelves." Schumann further apologized for the countless two-liter bottles of Zesty Jalapeño Slice also now available nationwide.

Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up

MESA, AZ—A bizarre, unprecedented spinal injury sustained in a car accident Saturday has left local resident Roberto Montenegro paralyzed from the waist up. "Roberto is back on his feet," said Mesa General Hospital head of surgery William Crist. "Unfortunately, though, he has lost all feeling in his head, arms and torso. No longer able to move from the waist up, he cannot eat, speak, dial a telephone, type, open doors, or look sideways." Doctors said Montenegro should be able to resume his career as a professional soccer player as early as next week.

If The Heat Doesn't Kill The Elderly, I Will

It is now high summer, and the sun is broiling the American Southwest, sending temperatures soaring upwards of 110 degrees. The heat has struck hardest among the elderly, dozens of whom have died of heatstroke, heat exhaustion and dehydration. If you, like me, are a right-thinking person, your mind recoils in horror at this fact: The old and decrepit are dying by mere dozens?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Healthy Eating

The Golden Age Of Zweibel Revisited

As every student knows, the period of American history spanning the years 1896 to 1913 is known as the Golden Age Of Zweibel. It was a time when gentle-men were not ashamed to wear mutton-chop whiskers, when women kept their genitals in small safes in the parlor, and when children were seldom seen and heard only distantly from the bottom of narrow, dank mine-shafts. And it was a time when the world was at my feet. How I long for those days!

The Onion news-paper was enjoying its first great national success, regularly scooping our arch-rival, The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet. Walking down News-paper Row, I would occasionally encounter its editor, P. Oliver Gummidge, and could not resist addressing him with a witty and good-natured barb, usually something like, "Ahoy there, Gummidge! Did you hear The Onion's latest scoop? I'm engaging in rough sexual congress with your wife! But of course you haven't heard, as you are the editor of the worst news-paper in the Republic!" He would invariably respond by turning crimson in the face, but he couldn't do any-thing to me, because I was heavily protected by a phalanx of boot-lickers and sycophants. Ah, for the Golden Age Of Zweibel!

But, as with every golden age, it lasts but a brief time before fading into the mists of history. Once, I sported the irresistibly manly scent of shaving-soap and hair-pomade; now, I just reek of urine, disinfectant and bed-sore pus. Once, I wore custom-made frock-coats, fashionable gabardine trousers and natty homburg hats; now, I am clothed only in a thin muslin night-dress and cap, and my gout-ridden legs are swathed in yards of bandages. O cruel Fate! O Destiny!

But what pains me most is that the news-paper trade has gone into a steep decline. I am sickened, sickened, by the purple prose that is mistaken for news-writing to-day. Why, in my day, we came straight to the point, and if that meant cutting out conjunctions, prepositions, even vowels, well then, so be it! Give me a man who can type with his fore-head over 20 Shakespeares any day. Back when I was editor, I held fast to a single tenet: "The Public Can't Tell The Difference Anyway, Because They Are A Bunch Of Monkeys." Wise words then, and they still ring true today!

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More