adBlockCheck

The Golden Age Of Zweibel Revisited

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

The Golden Age Of Zweibel Revisited

As every student knows, the period of American history spanning the years 1896 to 1913 is known as the Golden Age Of Zweibel. It was a time when gentle-men were not ashamed to wear mutton-chop whiskers, when women kept their genitals in small safes in the parlor, and when children were seldom seen and heard only distantly from the bottom of narrow, dank mine-shafts. And it was a time when the world was at my feet. How I long for those days!

The Onion news-paper was enjoying its first great national success, regularly scooping our arch-rival, The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet. Walking down News-paper Row, I would occasionally encounter its editor, P. Oliver Gummidge, and could not resist addressing him with a witty and good-natured barb, usually something like, "Ahoy there, Gummidge! Did you hear The Onion's latest scoop? I'm engaging in rough sexual congress with your wife! But of course you haven't heard, as you are the editor of the worst news-paper in the Republic!" He would invariably respond by turning crimson in the face, but he couldn't do any-thing to me, because I was heavily protected by a phalanx of boot-lickers and sycophants. Ah, for the Golden Age Of Zweibel!

But, as with every golden age, it lasts but a brief time before fading into the mists of history. Once, I sported the irresistibly manly scent of shaving-soap and hair-pomade; now, I just reek of urine, disinfectant and bed-sore pus. Once, I wore custom-made frock-coats, fashionable gabardine trousers and natty homburg hats; now, I am clothed only in a thin muslin night-dress and cap, and my gout-ridden legs are swathed in yards of bandages. O cruel Fate! O Destiny!

But what pains me most is that the news-paper trade has gone into a steep decline. I am sickened, sickened, by the purple prose that is mistaken for news-writing to-day. Why, in my day, we came straight to the point, and if that meant cutting out conjunctions, prepositions, even vowels, well then, so be it! Give me a man who can type with his fore-head over 20 Shakespeares any day. Back when I was editor, I held fast to a single tenet: "The Public Can't Tell The Difference Anyway, Because They Are A Bunch Of Monkeys." Wise words then, and they still ring true today!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close