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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The Golden Globes Were A Golden Time!

Item! The Golden Globes recently took place, answering the question "Who will the foreign press honor this year?" Well, how's Hillary Duff for starters? She won Best Actress for A Million Dollar Smile, where she plays a boxer. She sure did grow up fast! Meanwhile, Jamie Fox won Best Black Actor, and rightly so. His speech alone was worth the award! From a Jackie to a Jamie: Way to go!

Now, longtime fans of awards shows know that the Golden Globes are important for two reasons. First, they're a good indicator for what's going to be hot at Oscar time. Second: fashion! It's like watching a parade of peacocks. Everyone there was dressed to impress, and boy, did they! And who was that lovely brunette? Charliee Theron?!? Don't worry, gentlemen! In spite of your preferences, Ms. Theron is every bit as beautiful as she was when she was blonde, especially in that strapless number. Boy. I just want to take a moment to congratulate her on the turnaround she has undergone since her Monsters, Inc. debut. Charliee has made some real changes in her diet and lifestyle, and it shows. Natalie Portman, on the other hand, didn't do herself any favors with that frumpy grandma gear. Give yourself and your fans some credit, Natalie! Well, there were plenty of notable ups and downs, bobs and weaves. If I were magician-turned-fashion-critic Mr. Blackstone, I'd devote the entire column to the hots and nots, but I have other fish to fry.

Is it me, or is there a distinct lack of inspirational TV movies these days?

Item! Mid-season replacement time sure does sneak up on you. Where do the series go? Thank God there are plenty of new plots and personalities to wash away the precious memories of those series that just couldn't get it together. For my money, the show to watch this round is Christie Alley's Fat Actress. In it, the Veronica's Closest star endures the slings and arrows of press and peers as she embarks on a public weight-loss odyssey. Actually, wait. That's terrible. Don't let anyone tell you you're fat, Christie. You look just fine.

Item! Mooo-ve over, Kangaroo Jack! You have competition from a horse of a different color. And talk about different! Racing Stripe stars Malcolm And The Middle scamp Frankie Muñoz as a zebra who thinks he can race. Does he overcome the odds, win the big race, and warm hearts in the process? I don't know.

Now that I got a raise here at the Scoop, I think it's time to treat myself to an iPod. Everywhere I turn, I see those little white headphones, and I confess that I'm envious. You can store the entire Depeche Mode collection and still have plenty of room for other songs. I'll have to wait until my raise kicks in, though. I am resolved: No matter how great those little gadgets are, I will not allow one of them to lure me into credit-card debt. No thank you!

Item! It's not the best way to begin the year, but Brad and Jen have called it quits. Why is it that women named Jen are unlucky in love? Remember Ben and JenLo? Those two kids were made for each other. Ben and Jen, if you're listening, won't you please meet and talk it out? You can make it work.

Scoop thoughts and prayers go out to Steven "Cojo" Caru, who is recovering from a kidney transplant. The Today Show is always a little brighter when Cojo drops by and gives you the straight stuff on new accessories, so here's hoping the maverick of gloves and broaches is back on his feet and flaunting what he's got, stat. (Stat is emergency-room code. Instead of saying, "Dr. Harvey! Hurry to the O.R., this guy's body is rejecting the new kidney!" they would just say, "Dr. Harvey to O.R., stat." Dr. Harvey—I don't mind the sound of that!)

My neighbors still haven't taken down their Christmas lights. I always take mine down on New Year's Day. It's a Harvey Tradition. I was thinking of saying something to them, but I don't want to be the bad guy of the block, especially since I need to hit people up for my MS Bowl-A-Thon next month.

I would like to take some time to offer a moment of silence for Law And Order's Jerry Orbock, who died of cancer in December.

Item! CNN's flagship show Crossfire was cancelled a few weeks ago. Some people say it was cancelled after John Stewart's controversial appearance, during which he dropped the A-Bomb on Tucker Carlson. Thanks for nothing, Mr. Stewart. Maybe seeing political experts hash it out wasn't your cup of tea, but those of us who live for witty repartee between pundits and insiders like Carlson and the Ragin' Cajun James Carvell now have no place to go. Except the papers, but I don't like how newsprint gets all over my fingers.

Well, that's the scoop, for the time being. More stuff's a-boiling, but it's not quite a-done. But get yourself a-ready for the a-spicy a-stew of a-juicy celebrity gossip and sharp insight that is my specialty! Here's a taste...I'll have some hot news on the newest charitable cause from That '70s Show's Gopher Grace, as well as the astrological info on Jeffrey Tambor's new baby! Until then, I'll see you next time...on The Outside!

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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