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The Golden Globes Were A Golden Time!

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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The Golden Globes Were A Golden Time!

Item! The Golden Globes recently took place, answering the question "Who will the foreign press honor this year?" Well, how's Hillary Duff for starters? She won Best Actress for A Million Dollar Smile, where she plays a boxer. She sure did grow up fast! Meanwhile, Jamie Fox won Best Black Actor, and rightly so. His speech alone was worth the award! From a Jackie to a Jamie: Way to go!

Now, longtime fans of awards shows know that the Golden Globes are important for two reasons. First, they're a good indicator for what's going to be hot at Oscar time. Second: fashion! It's like watching a parade of peacocks. Everyone there was dressed to impress, and boy, did they! And who was that lovely brunette? Charliee Theron?!? Don't worry, gentlemen! In spite of your preferences, Ms. Theron is every bit as beautiful as she was when she was blonde, especially in that strapless number. Boy. I just want to take a moment to congratulate her on the turnaround she has undergone since her Monsters, Inc. debut. Charliee has made some real changes in her diet and lifestyle, and it shows. Natalie Portman, on the other hand, didn't do herself any favors with that frumpy grandma gear. Give yourself and your fans some credit, Natalie! Well, there were plenty of notable ups and downs, bobs and weaves. If I were magician-turned-fashion-critic Mr. Blackstone, I'd devote the entire column to the hots and nots, but I have other fish to fry.

Is it me, or is there a distinct lack of inspirational TV movies these days?

Item! Mid-season replacement time sure does sneak up on you. Where do the series go? Thank God there are plenty of new plots and personalities to wash away the precious memories of those series that just couldn't get it together. For my money, the show to watch this round is Christie Alley's Fat Actress. In it, the Veronica's Closest star endures the slings and arrows of press and peers as she embarks on a public weight-loss odyssey. Actually, wait. That's terrible. Don't let anyone tell you you're fat, Christie. You look just fine.

Item! Mooo-ve over, Kangaroo Jack! You have competition from a horse of a different color. And talk about different! Racing Stripe stars Malcolm And The Middle scamp Frankie Muñoz as a zebra who thinks he can race. Does he overcome the odds, win the big race, and warm hearts in the process? I don't know.

Now that I got a raise here at the Scoop, I think it's time to treat myself to an iPod. Everywhere I turn, I see those little white headphones, and I confess that I'm envious. You can store the entire Depeche Mode collection and still have plenty of room for other songs. I'll have to wait until my raise kicks in, though. I am resolved: No matter how great those little gadgets are, I will not allow one of them to lure me into credit-card debt. No thank you!

Item! It's not the best way to begin the year, but Brad and Jen have called it quits. Why is it that women named Jen are unlucky in love? Remember Ben and JenLo? Those two kids were made for each other. Ben and Jen, if you're listening, won't you please meet and talk it out? You can make it work.

Scoop thoughts and prayers go out to Steven "Cojo" Caru, who is recovering from a kidney transplant. The Today Show is always a little brighter when Cojo drops by and gives you the straight stuff on new accessories, so here's hoping the maverick of gloves and broaches is back on his feet and flaunting what he's got, stat. (Stat is emergency-room code. Instead of saying, "Dr. Harvey! Hurry to the O.R., this guy's body is rejecting the new kidney!" they would just say, "Dr. Harvey to O.R., stat." Dr. Harvey—I don't mind the sound of that!)

My neighbors still haven't taken down their Christmas lights. I always take mine down on New Year's Day. It's a Harvey Tradition. I was thinking of saying something to them, but I don't want to be the bad guy of the block, especially since I need to hit people up for my MS Bowl-A-Thon next month.

I would like to take some time to offer a moment of silence for Law And Order's Jerry Orbock, who died of cancer in December.

Item! CNN's flagship show Crossfire was cancelled a few weeks ago. Some people say it was cancelled after John Stewart's controversial appearance, during which he dropped the A-Bomb on Tucker Carlson. Thanks for nothing, Mr. Stewart. Maybe seeing political experts hash it out wasn't your cup of tea, but those of us who live for witty repartee between pundits and insiders like Carlson and the Ragin' Cajun James Carvell now have no place to go. Except the papers, but I don't like how newsprint gets all over my fingers.

Well, that's the scoop, for the time being. More stuff's a-boiling, but it's not quite a-done. But get yourself a-ready for the a-spicy a-stew of a-juicy celebrity gossip and sharp insight that is my specialty! Here's a taste...I'll have some hot news on the newest charitable cause from That '70s Show's Gopher Grace, as well as the astrological info on Jeffrey Tambor's new baby! Until then, I'll see you next time...on The Outside!

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