The Golden Globes Were A Golden Time!

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Vol 41 Issue 05

Kool-Aid, Hi-C Make Backroom Deal To Destroy Tang

NORTHFIELD, IL—Executives for Kool-Aid and Hi-C met at an undisclosed location Monday to map out a plan to drive Tang out of business. "The tween market isn't big enough for three non-carbonated beverages," Kool-Aid CEO Robert Eckert told Hi-C executive Jason Frie. "Capri Sun and Sunny D play ball, but Tang won't budge. So we're gonna squeeze them so hard, even the astronauts won't drink it. Oh, yeah!" Bordon crushed out his cigarette and added, "I want you to stick it so deep in Tang's asshole, you make the Wyler's hit look like a movie date."

Immigrant Laborers Hired To Delete Spam

SAN DIEGO—Executives at Gortman Consulting are hiring immigrant day laborers to delete their junk e-mail. "Our employees were wasting hours of valuable time sifting through spam," Gortman CEO Donald Barris said Monday. "Finally, I was like, 'Eureka! Hire some low-cost Hispanic laborers to empty our Outlook Express trashcans.' Our IT van just swings by the docks in the morning and picks up a dozen or so guys." While Barris said the laborers are "happy for the work," labor-rights groups have complained that repeatedly pressing the delete key has caused numerous cases of carpal-tunnel syndrome among migrant spam removers.

Sex Life Embellished During Doctor Visit

DURANT, OK—During a routine physical Tuesday, Jason Gunder, 21, exaggerated his sexual exploits for the benefit of his physician, Dr. Stanley Pindel. "Unprotected intercourse? Sure, I have it all the time," Gunder said. "Partners? Thirty or something. I've had so many, I can't even remember." After nodding thoughtfully, Dr. Pindel told Gunder, "If you do actually ever have sex, please make sure to use a condom and a water-based spermicidal lubricant."

Son Attempts To Cultivate Parents' Interest In Better Movies

DOVER, DE—Marc Morehouse, 24, made another vain attempt to improve his parents' taste in movies Monday by taking them to see Sideways. "I know you guys thought Meet The Fockers sounded really funny, but maybe we should all give something a little different a try," Morehouse said to his parents Kirk and Doris as he bought three tickets at an area cineplex. "Dad, you like golf, right? And Mom drinks wine, so this movie is right up your alley. It'll be fun." After the show, Morehouse could not convince his parents to have dinner at a non-chain restaurant.

Jay-Z's Grandfather Busted With Trunk Full Of Canadian Prescription Drugs

BUFFALO, NY—Tyrone J. Carter, rap artist Jay-Z's 75-year-old grandfather, was arrested Monday for transporting prescription drugs across the Canadian border in the trunk of his 1998 Oldsmobile. "My grandson says I shouldn't have unlocked the trunk unless the cops had a warrant, but what's a man supposed to do?" said Carter, who was busted with more than $1,000 worth of pharmaceutical-grade Diovan, Lipitor, and Lanoxin. "Don't the police have anything better to do than hassle a sick old man? My insurance doesn't cover my pills anymore—I gotta get my heart medicine somewhere." The arresting officers said the pills had a U.S.-pharmacy value of nearly $18,000.
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The Golden Globes Were A Golden Time!

Item! The Golden Globes recently took place, answering the question "Who will the foreign press honor this year?" Well, how's Hillary Duff for starters? She won Best Actress for A Million Dollar Smile, where she plays a boxer. She sure did grow up fast! Meanwhile, Jamie Fox won Best Black Actor, and rightly so. His speech alone was worth the award! From a Jackie to a Jamie: Way to go!

Now, longtime fans of awards shows know that the Golden Globes are important for two reasons. First, they're a good indicator for what's going to be hot at Oscar time. Second: fashion! It's like watching a parade of peacocks. Everyone there was dressed to impress, and boy, did they! And who was that lovely brunette? Charliee Theron?!? Don't worry, gentlemen! In spite of your preferences, Ms. Theron is every bit as beautiful as she was when she was blonde, especially in that strapless number. Boy. I just want to take a moment to congratulate her on the turnaround she has undergone since her Monsters, Inc. debut. Charliee has made some real changes in her diet and lifestyle, and it shows. Natalie Portman, on the other hand, didn't do herself any favors with that frumpy grandma gear. Give yourself and your fans some credit, Natalie! Well, there were plenty of notable ups and downs, bobs and weaves. If I were magician-turned-fashion-critic Mr. Blackstone, I'd devote the entire column to the hots and nots, but I have other fish to fry.

Is it me, or is there a distinct lack of inspirational TV movies these days?

Item! Mid-season replacement time sure does sneak up on you. Where do the series go? Thank God there are plenty of new plots and personalities to wash away the precious memories of those series that just couldn't get it together. For my money, the show to watch this round is Christie Alley's Fat Actress. In it, the Veronica's Closest star endures the slings and arrows of press and peers as she embarks on a public weight-loss odyssey. Actually, wait. That's terrible. Don't let anyone tell you you're fat, Christie. You look just fine.

Item! Mooo-ve over, Kangaroo Jack! You have competition from a horse of a different color. And talk about different! Racing Stripe stars Malcolm And The Middle scamp Frankie Muñoz as a zebra who thinks he can race. Does he overcome the odds, win the big race, and warm hearts in the process? I don't know.

Now that I got a raise here at the Scoop, I think it's time to treat myself to an iPod. Everywhere I turn, I see those little white headphones, and I confess that I'm envious. You can store the entire Depeche Mode collection and still have plenty of room for other songs. I'll have to wait until my raise kicks in, though. I am resolved: No matter how great those little gadgets are, I will not allow one of them to lure me into credit-card debt. No thank you!

Item! It's not the best way to begin the year, but Brad and Jen have called it quits. Why is it that women named Jen are unlucky in love? Remember Ben and JenLo? Those two kids were made for each other. Ben and Jen, if you're listening, won't you please meet and talk it out? You can make it work.

Scoop thoughts and prayers go out to Steven "Cojo" Caru, who is recovering from a kidney transplant. The Today Show is always a little brighter when Cojo drops by and gives you the straight stuff on new accessories, so here's hoping the maverick of gloves and broaches is back on his feet and flaunting what he's got, stat. (Stat is emergency-room code. Instead of saying, "Dr. Harvey! Hurry to the O.R., this guy's body is rejecting the new kidney!" they would just say, "Dr. Harvey to O.R., stat." Dr. Harvey—I don't mind the sound of that!)

My neighbors still haven't taken down their Christmas lights. I always take mine down on New Year's Day. It's a Harvey Tradition. I was thinking of saying something to them, but I don't want to be the bad guy of the block, especially since I need to hit people up for my MS Bowl-A-Thon next month.

I would like to take some time to offer a moment of silence for Law And Order's Jerry Orbock, who died of cancer in December.

Item! CNN's flagship show Crossfire was cancelled a few weeks ago. Some people say it was cancelled after John Stewart's controversial appearance, during which he dropped the A-Bomb on Tucker Carlson. Thanks for nothing, Mr. Stewart. Maybe seeing political experts hash it out wasn't your cup of tea, but those of us who live for witty repartee between pundits and insiders like Carlson and the Ragin' Cajun James Carvell now have no place to go. Except the papers, but I don't like how newsprint gets all over my fingers.

Well, that's the scoop, for the time being. More stuff's a-boiling, but it's not quite a-done. But get yourself a-ready for the a-spicy a-stew of a-juicy celebrity gossip and sharp insight that is my specialty! Here's a taste...I'll have some hot news on the newest charitable cause from That '70s Show's Gopher Grace, as well as the astrological info on Jeffrey Tambor's new baby! Until then, I'll see you next time...on The Outside!

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