The Great Star Wars Nearly Made Me Deaf, Because It Was So Loud

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Vol 31 Issue 05

Style Replaces Substance

In a change years in the making, style officially replaced substance Monday, tipping artistic balance of power from deep, meaningful expression to glossy, superficial artifice. "Form has finally assumed its rightful place as the driving force in the creative process," said Harv Nevitt of Style magazine. "No more time will be wasted on genuinely substantive content." Style is expected to reign supreme over substance until style itself becomes substance, when it will be replaced by an even more vacant form of style.

Government Squandering Social Security Funds On Cake

WASHINGTON, DC—An independent panel revealed Friday that Congress is squandering the nation's $80 billion Social Security reserves on cake. According to the panel report, some of the cake was served in "extra-large helpings," sparking outrage among taxpayers. Cake-related abuse of funds will be further investigated by a congressional subcommittee, headed by Sen. John Ashcroft (R-MO), who reportedly "does not like cake."

Paramount Home Video Pleased To Bring Man Feature Presentation

SOMERVILLE, MA—Paramount Pictures CEO Jerry Rubin announced Monday that his company is pleased to present Beverly Hills Cop 2 to Somerville-area home-video rental consumer Nathan DeGaetano, 36. Said Rubin, "I know I speak for everyone here at Paramount Pictures when I say that we are pleased to present this terrific Paramount Home Video release starring Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold to Mr. DeGaetano." Paramount will personally convey this sentiment to DeGaetano with a colorful, computer-generated image of a mountain and a professionally pre-recorded message immediately preceding the feature presentation.

Felt Board Adds Clarity To Christ's Teachings

WILMINGTON, NC—A felt board made the teachings of Jesus Christ clear and easy to understand for the sixth-graders attending Sunday school at Holy Redeemer Catholic Church Sunday. "The white block letters velcroed onto the felt board helped me to understand that I will burn in hell if I sin," said Brian Klesko, 12. Sunday school teacher Helene Hildebrant used the felt board because of the children's natural interest in both colorful objects and fuzziness. "I decided that the concepts of ritualized cannibalistic consumption of Christ's body and blood and the condemnation of all non-Christian peoples to eternal suffering in Hell would be easier for today's children to understand if presented in a fun and colorful medium such as a felt board."

Military Hazing

The U.S. military has come under fire for hazing recently, most notably for a controversial videotape depicting Marines "pinning" new recruits, stabbing medals into their chests. What do you think?

I Don't Miss My Arms

It's been almost two years since the auto accident, but you know what? I don't miss my arms at all!
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Race Relations

The Great Star Wars Nearly Made Me Deaf, Because It Was So Loud

Blockbusters! They are the movies that do so good that the people who make them are happy they made them because plenty of families go to see them, and they spend their money at the movies.

There haven't been many blockbusters throughout the history of the movies except for Gone In The Wind, which was made in the classic times. It was a blockbuster movie about the War of the Slaves. Because once men owned other men, and they made them work without pay in the hot sun until the night would come and the slaves would sing "Follow the Drinking Gourd" and jump over a fence to elude the hounds and go to the North where men were free! I also saw a picture on the television once about that, and it was called The Jeffersons. I like movies with men of color in them, because it is said that this is a month for celebrating my black heritage.

But there has never been another blockbuster feature film movie like the film called The Great Star Wars. This is a movie about some people who sail to the stars as if it were an ocean. Can you imagine that!

And I assume their space-faring ships were powered by The Atom. Some of the men are black and some of them are white, but they are only black and white because they wear costumes that make them black or white, and underneath the costumes, they are all as white as the day is long. And the fellow who wore black is a dastardly ro-bot man who talked as if he were living in a fish tank, or had a bucket over his head. What kind of bucket? Well, that is for the viewer to decide, I suppose, but to me it sounded like a bucket that once held some spackle.

The people who wore white were good people. And the man who wore black was a bad person. Except there were some white ro-bots who shot several people stone dead with ray pistols for no good reason, and I do not approve of the killing. There was also a part in this movie where the ro-bot's head blew sky-high, so the fellow had to purchase a different ro-bot from the midgets.

But I am getting ahead of myself! Me and my wife, Toots, went to see the blockbuster movie entertainment which is called The Star Wars. But, my God, the line we had to wait in! We arrived at the film and had to stand for several minutes. My shins began to ache (these days, the blood does not flow into my legs because my legs do not let the blood flow correctly, ever since I wore socks to work all the time, and my doctor told me to stop wearing such tight socks and drawers, but it was too late), so I told the boy in front of me to let me go before him, but the boy in front of me was wearing a shirt that said The Great Star Wars on it. And he told me I could not go in front of him in the line.

I would have taken him to task for his disrespectful attitude, but the boy had a sword which looked to be made of glowing plastic. And when he waved it at me it chilled the cockles of my heart. So Toots (my wife) and I decided to go home. That young man couldn't have been any older than 27!

But then we decided to go back the next night and see the movie called The Great Star Wars. But that was on Sunday, and because I do my walking on Sunday I didn't finish my walking until late, and then Toots cooked me a ham with cloves and by the time we finished eating it was 7:31. Or maybe it was 7:32. But when we got to the mall to view the film product there was no line, which made me happy, but then I was filled with sadness because the man who worked at the theater told me that there were no more tickets to be sold, because everyone was already inside watching The Great Star Wars.

Then the boy told us we could buy tickets to see the film we wanted to see, but he said we would have to wait three days because the film was all sold out for three days. So I bought some tickets and smiled and said, "Thank you for selling me these tickets, because it is hard to buy tickets and wait in line for this movie." And the boy thanked me and I was on my way. Then I went home, and then I came back to get Toots because I forgot her because she had gone to look in a shop for some clown sculptures. She is going to spend me out of house and home! Women love the shopping, that is for sure.

Then at last the day came to use the tickets I had purchased to see The Great Star Wars, which I wanted to see so that I could review it for you. But I fell asleep in my chair watching a television program entitled The NBC News Program. And when I woke up I forgot to see the movie. I was busy fixing a birdhouse. The squirrels are eating all the bird food. I do not remember what happened on The News Program on NBC.

Four days later, me and Toots finally got to see The Great Star Wars. We went to the movie, and the line had only 25 people in it. Well, actually, there were many more than 25, but I stopped counting at the number 25 because it was making me weary. But we saw the movie. It was a loud movie. And I have already told you what it was about. The Great Star Wars was not too good. I was in The Great War, and it was near to the 44th parameter when I first heard the whistling noise. And the next thing I knew, I was in the medical tent and I had some metal in my head. Ever since then, I have not been able to tie my shoes correctly. Except some times I can.

There was a princess in the movie and she was good-looking, except that she pushed the men around. Not in my day! But that was a long time ago in a place far away. And there were several creatures who looked to be from the land of fantasy. Because they were like no creatures I have ever seen, except in the days when I enjoyed the drink.

I read an article in one of my periodicals which stated that The Great Star Wars made much money because many people paid to see it. So if you already saw it, you didn't need to read my review, and I am sorry if I have wasted your time today. But next time, I will try to see a movie that you have never seen, so that I can tell you not to see it before you see it. Because that is my job as a film critic. You do not need a film education to be a film critic, you just need to love the movies.

Hollywood! Where dreams come true for some, and for others they are dashed on the boulevard of discarded memories. Some are famous, some are not. But they all have high hopes of making it in show business. And there was also a character in the movie who looked like a giant bear man, but he carried a rifle and screamed like my old man when he came home from a bender. Well, until next time, save me a seat on the Silver Screen.

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted with permission of The Butternut Gazette in Butternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.

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