The Great Star Wars Nearly Made Me Deaf, Because It Was So Loud

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

The Great Star Wars Nearly Made Me Deaf, Because It Was So Loud

Blockbusters! They are the movies that do so good that the people who make them are happy they made them because plenty of families go to see them, and they spend their money at the movies.

There haven't been many blockbusters throughout the history of the movies except for Gone In The Wind, which was made in the classic times. It was a blockbuster movie about the War of the Slaves. Because once men owned other men, and they made them work without pay in the hot sun until the night would come and the slaves would sing "Follow the Drinking Gourd" and jump over a fence to elude the hounds and go to the North where men were free! I also saw a picture on the television once about that, and it was called The Jeffersons. I like movies with men of color in them, because it is said that this is a month for celebrating my black heritage.

But there has never been another blockbuster feature film movie like the film called The Great Star Wars. This is a movie about some people who sail to the stars as if it were an ocean. Can you imagine that!

And I assume their space-faring ships were powered by The Atom. Some of the men are black and some of them are white, but they are only black and white because they wear costumes that make them black or white, and underneath the costumes, they are all as white as the day is long. And the fellow who wore black is a dastardly ro-bot man who talked as if he were living in a fish tank, or had a bucket over his head. What kind of bucket? Well, that is for the viewer to decide, I suppose, but to me it sounded like a bucket that once held some spackle.

The people who wore white were good people. And the man who wore black was a bad person. Except there were some white ro-bots who shot several people stone dead with ray pistols for no good reason, and I do not approve of the killing. There was also a part in this movie where the ro-bot's head blew sky-high, so the fellow had to purchase a different ro-bot from the midgets.

But I am getting ahead of myself! Me and my wife, Toots, went to see the blockbuster movie entertainment which is called The Star Wars. But, my God, the line we had to wait in! We arrived at the film and had to stand for several minutes. My shins began to ache (these days, the blood does not flow into my legs because my legs do not let the blood flow correctly, ever since I wore socks to work all the time, and my doctor told me to stop wearing such tight socks and drawers, but it was too late), so I told the boy in front of me to let me go before him, but the boy in front of me was wearing a shirt that said The Great Star Wars on it. And he told me I could not go in front of him in the line.

I would have taken him to task for his disrespectful attitude, but the boy had a sword which looked to be made of glowing plastic. And when he waved it at me it chilled the cockles of my heart. So Toots (my wife) and I decided to go home. That young man couldn't have been any older than 27!

But then we decided to go back the next night and see the movie called The Great Star Wars. But that was on Sunday, and because I do my walking on Sunday I didn't finish my walking until late, and then Toots cooked me a ham with cloves and by the time we finished eating it was 7:31. Or maybe it was 7:32. But when we got to the mall to view the film product there was no line, which made me happy, but then I was filled with sadness because the man who worked at the theater told me that there were no more tickets to be sold, because everyone was already inside watching The Great Star Wars.

Then the boy told us we could buy tickets to see the film we wanted to see, but he said we would have to wait three days because the film was all sold out for three days. So I bought some tickets and smiled and said, "Thank you for selling me these tickets, because it is hard to buy tickets and wait in line for this movie." And the boy thanked me and I was on my way. Then I went home, and then I came back to get Toots because I forgot her because she had gone to look in a shop for some clown sculptures. She is going to spend me out of house and home! Women love the shopping, that is for sure.

Then at last the day came to use the tickets I had purchased to see The Great Star Wars, which I wanted to see so that I could review it for you. But I fell asleep in my chair watching a television program entitled The NBC News Program. And when I woke up I forgot to see the movie. I was busy fixing a birdhouse. The squirrels are eating all the bird food. I do not remember what happened on The News Program on NBC.

Four days later, me and Toots finally got to see The Great Star Wars. We went to the movie, and the line had only 25 people in it. Well, actually, there were many more than 25, but I stopped counting at the number 25 because it was making me weary. But we saw the movie. It was a loud movie. And I have already told you what it was about. The Great Star Wars was not too good. I was in The Great War, and it was near to the 44th parameter when I first heard the whistling noise. And the next thing I knew, I was in the medical tent and I had some metal in my head. Ever since then, I have not been able to tie my shoes correctly. Except some times I can.

There was a princess in the movie and she was good-looking, except that she pushed the men around. Not in my day! But that was a long time ago in a place far away. And there were several creatures who looked to be from the land of fantasy. Because they were like no creatures I have ever seen, except in the days when I enjoyed the drink.

I read an article in one of my periodicals which stated that The Great Star Wars made much money because many people paid to see it. So if you already saw it, you didn't need to read my review, and I am sorry if I have wasted your time today. But next time, I will try to see a movie that you have never seen, so that I can tell you not to see it before you see it. Because that is my job as a film critic. You do not need a film education to be a film critic, you just need to love the movies.

Hollywood! Where dreams come true for some, and for others they are dashed on the boulevard of discarded memories. Some are famous, some are not. But they all have high hopes of making it in show business. And there was also a character in the movie who looked like a giant bear man, but he carried a rifle and screamed like my old man when he came home from a bender. Well, until next time, save me a seat on the Silver Screen.

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted with permission of The Butternut Gazette in Butternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.