adBlockCheck

The Hendersons' Towels, Frankly, Are Not That Impressive

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

The Hendersons' Towels, Frankly, Are Not That Impressive

I was peeking out my bedroom window at the brand-new Lexus LS 400 in the Hendersons' driveway when my husband Gary walked in and announced that we were invited to guess whose house for cocktails that evening. That's right, Mark and Linda Henderson's.

I was reluctant to go (the Hendersons' get-togethers are only slightly less dull than the MacInnises'), but I decided this was the perfect chance to finally get into the Hendersons' basement and see what Linda had done with that utility room. I'd heard from Barb DeRoya down the street that Linda had converted it into a sewing room, and I was dying to see with my own eyes if she had a new Singer in there.

So, in the interest of being neighborly, I whipped up an 11-layer salad (my own superior version of the seven-layer salad Jan Brophy shows up everywhere with), put on a nice pantsuit, pressed on a set of fingernails, and was ready for cocktails.

When Gary and I arrived, I gave Linda a hug and complimented her on the obviously catered hors d'oeuvres. For some reason, that made her start to cry. That's when she told me that as soon as everyone arrived, she and Mark had "an announcement to make."

Finding a seat in the three-season porch Mark and Linda added on last spring, I wondered what that announcement would be. I'll bet they're putting in an in-ground, I thought. Or maybe they're planning to renew their wedding vows yet again. Or maybe they're going to adopt a needy child from overseas. (That would be just like those two. At last year's community food drive, I ended up donating 50 cans of cream of mushroom soup just to keep up with them!)

Then it hit me. I'll bet their daughter Jill is getting engaged. Darn it all. Our Sara has been dating that podiatrist for almost two years, and he hasn't come up with a ring yet. Besides, you'd think no man in his right mind would want to marry Jill, what with her past trouble with the law. Though I'm polite enough never to mention it to Linda, everyone in town saw Jill's underage-drinking charge in the paper in March 1992.

Needing to kill some time before the big announcement, I snuck off to the bathroom to check out the Hendersons' medicine cabinet. Nothing exciting—no Zoloft, no Viagra, not even a trial pack of Propecia. What I did discover, however, was a set of very familiar-looking burgundy towels on the shelf next to the sink. I'd seen those towels on the Hendersons' clothesline several times over the past month. From over the backyard fence, they looked so thick and plush, I was sure they had to be from Boston Bed & Bath. But upon close examination of the tag, I found that they were nothing more than Target towels that couldn't have cost more than $3.99 apiece! If I hadn't come to the Hendersons' party, I never would have known that Linda buys bargain-brand towels!

When I returned the dining room, Linda and Mark had gathered everyone together and were ready to make the big announcement. It turns out, I had nothing to be worried about at all! The Hendersons aren't building a deck, and no one is getting married... Linda has a degenerative muscle disease! She said she wanted her closest friends to know that in a year or two she'd be in a wheelchair!

It's so strange, because Linda didn't look sick at all. Though I do think she was a little underdressed for entertaining guests.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close