adBlockCheck

The Hendersons' Towels, Frankly, Are Not That Impressive

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Hendersons' Towels, Frankly, Are Not That Impressive

I was peeking out my bedroom window at the brand-new Lexus LS 400 in the Hendersons' driveway when my husband Gary walked in and announced that we were invited to guess whose house for cocktails that evening. That's right, Mark and Linda Henderson's.

I was reluctant to go (the Hendersons' get-togethers are only slightly less dull than the MacInnises'), but I decided this was the perfect chance to finally get into the Hendersons' basement and see what Linda had done with that utility room. I'd heard from Barb DeRoya down the street that Linda had converted it into a sewing room, and I was dying to see with my own eyes if she had a new Singer in there.

So, in the interest of being neighborly, I whipped up an 11-layer salad (my own superior version of the seven-layer salad Jan Brophy shows up everywhere with), put on a nice pantsuit, pressed on a set of fingernails, and was ready for cocktails.

When Gary and I arrived, I gave Linda a hug and complimented her on the obviously catered hors d'oeuvres. For some reason, that made her start to cry. That's when she told me that as soon as everyone arrived, she and Mark had "an announcement to make."

Finding a seat in the three-season porch Mark and Linda added on last spring, I wondered what that announcement would be. I'll bet they're putting in an in-ground, I thought. Or maybe they're planning to renew their wedding vows yet again. Or maybe they're going to adopt a needy child from overseas. (That would be just like those two. At last year's community food drive, I ended up donating 50 cans of cream of mushroom soup just to keep up with them!)

Then it hit me. I'll bet their daughter Jill is getting engaged. Darn it all. Our Sara has been dating that podiatrist for almost two years, and he hasn't come up with a ring yet. Besides, you'd think no man in his right mind would want to marry Jill, what with her past trouble with the law. Though I'm polite enough never to mention it to Linda, everyone in town saw Jill's underage-drinking charge in the paper in March 1992.

Needing to kill some time before the big announcement, I snuck off to the bathroom to check out the Hendersons' medicine cabinet. Nothing exciting—no Zoloft, no Viagra, not even a trial pack of Propecia. What I did discover, however, was a set of very familiar-looking burgundy towels on the shelf next to the sink. I'd seen those towels on the Hendersons' clothesline several times over the past month. From over the backyard fence, they looked so thick and plush, I was sure they had to be from Boston Bed & Bath. But upon close examination of the tag, I found that they were nothing more than Target towels that couldn't have cost more than $3.99 apiece! If I hadn't come to the Hendersons' party, I never would have known that Linda buys bargain-brand towels!

When I returned the dining room, Linda and Mark had gathered everyone together and were ready to make the big announcement. It turns out, I had nothing to be worried about at all! The Hendersons aren't building a deck, and no one is getting married... Linda has a degenerative muscle disease! She said she wanted her closest friends to know that in a year or two she'd be in a wheelchair!

It's so strange, because Linda didn't look sick at all. Though I do think she was a little underdressed for entertaining guests.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close