adBlockCheck

The Holy Woman Knoweth Well Her Place

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Holy Woman Knoweth Well Her Place

To-day's sermon concerns Woman, a Vessel capable of both Holiness and Wickedness alike, but who all too often takes the latter Path, being as she is a Daughter of Eve, whose Envy, Ambition, and Weakness of the Flesh caused the Expulsion from Eden, and eternal Banishment from an Earthly Paradise for all of God's Children.

For what Woman, no matter how Chaste or Pious, has not wag'd Battle with her natural Urge to allow Satan into her Heart, and is not consumed and tormented with Nocturnal Reveries of a lascivious, Three-headed Goat?

What Woman, in the most intimate Recesses of her Soul, has not felt base and evil Impulses to commit lewd and depraved Acts of Onanism upon her own Parts, and to imbibe her own Infant's sweet Blood?

The Lord God Almighty, in His infinite Wisdom, sought to test my Resistance toward the capricious and headstrong Hubris and Vainglory of Woman one Evening about a Fortnight ago, whilst I was reading The Confessions Of Saint Augustine in the Rectory Study.

Mistress Betty Steinhauer, with whom Many in the Congregation are doubtless well-acquaint'd, quite without Warning or with the respectful Propriety and Courtesy with which a Layman should address a Man of the Cloth, knock'd at my Door and asked to speak to me about an important Matter involving the Church.

Such was the Urgency of her Request, and being at that Moment visited with a Flash of Memory of my own anxious Desire to discuss the Thirty-Nine Articles and other Theological Doctrine with my fellow schoolmates at Seminary during odd Hours so long ago, that I decided to overlook the rather unseemly Violation of Convention this Woman had committed and bid her Welcome into my Study.

I was surpris'd, then, when the Goodwoman Steinhauer spoke not of Liturgical Affairs in the slightest, but instead began to propose Something that I neither quite expect'd nor understood.

Would it not be of the Best Interest of the Church, she asked, that it contribute, viz. an ongoing Monetary Stipend, to a Charity devot'd to the Care of Infants and Young Children with Maladies and kindred Defects produc'd during their Gestation and/or Birth?

And that such Monies, she went on to say, could be raised with the Organization of Bake-Sales, Craft-Bazaars, Bingo Nights, and other mystifying Phenomena of which I had never heard in all my Decades in the Ministry.

This I replied to the Woman Steinhauer, with not a small Amount of Sternness in my Voice. She seemed not at all Comprehending of my latent Sentiment of Skepticism and Impatience, and stated that the Wife of the Bishop of our very Synod had arrang'd many such Events, with the Bishop's tacit Approval; and had encourag'd other Parishes to follow Suit for such a Worthy Cause.

Did this Woman dare question my Fealty to the Bishop? I angrily demand'd, no longer capable nor willing to hold my Tongue. Why no, she answer'd, her Voice trembling, only that The Ladies' Ecumenical Newsletter recommended that the Methods she had mentioned were duly proven to raise Money.

This wicked Woman was trying to bring Usury and Money-Changing into the House of God! Filled with Fury, I took up my Cane and began to punish her about the Neck and Buttocks. Sinful Woman! I cried, be gone from the House of God, and never return!

For is it not written that those who commit Transgression against the Laws of God should be soundly Whipt, and cast into the Wilderness, so that they may never again taint the Holy and the Pious?

Merciful God in Heaven, You have penetrat'd me with the Light of your Eternal Word, and given me the Strength and Vigilance to perceive the womanly Sin that snakes all about us, ready to strike and poison the Godly. With multitudinous Prayers of Thanksgiving do I humbly Thank Thee for Thy bounteous Mercy, in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close