Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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The Imminent Collapse Of Global Markets Is No Reason To Skimp On Four-Season Gutter Protection

I know you're worried about the economy. Hell, we all are. You don't need to be some kind of financial guru to know that things are looking pretty grim. Banks are folding, unemployment is on the rise, and people are worried about their retirement plans. Sure, it's rough right now, but we're a nation of fighters. We've been through this before and we'll get through it again, with our heads held high and our gutters protected year-round.

Because no matter how far the stock market plunges or how many financial institutions go bankrupt overnight, there's still no excuse for letting your gutters become clogged with unsightly debris.

I've been in the business of selling high- quality, four-season gutter protection for almost 20 years now, and I've never seen anything like this financial crisis. The U.S. economy is on the verge of collapse, threatening to take the economies of every industrialized nation down with it, and what's worse, your gutters look like you're growing a garden in there.

The way I understand it, credit is pretty much frozen. Banks don't want to lend to each other, which in turn trickles down to small businesses and affects entire communities. Before long you can't get a loan to fix your house, send your kid to college, or pay your medical bills. People start declaring bankruptcy, which only adds to the credit crisis and the overall devaluation of the dollar. So you have to ask yourself: Do you really want to go through all that mess with leaking eaves troughs and downspouts that don't provide satisfactory drainage?

Of course you don't.

In a lot of ways, our economy is like a gutter. You take care of it, and it takes care of you. But when the people in charge decide to neglect the economy, to not invest properly to protect it from "bad weather," then those bad decisions will end up costing more in the long run. Like sometimes squirrels can get in there and build nests, and then everything backs up and you've got water dripping through your ceiling every time it rains.

And how are they going to fix the economy now? A government bailout? Whoo! That's $700 billion. I can't even imagine a number that high! The bailout plan is going to cost every man, woman, and child in this country $2,300, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. That's not even factoring in the takeover of AIG or the government's loan to JPMorgan to buy Bear Stearns. I don't know about you, but I rest easier knowing there's one thing in my life that will never need a bailout: the patented tri-flow technology of the year-round gutter-protection system available only at Banks and Sons Home Improvement.

It keeps leaves and other debris out, allowing the gutter to carry water away from your foundation effectively, no matter what the weather or economic catastrophe.

Wall Street has been like a damn roller coaster ride these past few weeks. Down 777 points one day. Up 400 the next. Wouldn't it be nice to have something stable in your life? Something you can rely on? Something that stays clear of twigs and leaves in the spring, summer, fall, and winter? These all-season gutter covers are solid and dependable like a rock, but made of a lightweight polymer plastic that attaches to your existing gutters. So even though you might lose your life savings tomorrow, you'll never lose a minute of sleep worrying about gutter maintenance!

Maybe you've lost a lot of money in the stock market. I feel you there. If my pathetic retirement portfolio is any indication, looks like I'm going to have to keep offering folks the quality protection of a four-season gutter system for a little longer than I planned. Not that I mind. These gutters work so well and are so easy to install, they practically sell themselves, even when our entire fiscal system is on the verge of dissolution.

Think about it this way: With the Dow taking unprecedented dives and a looming credit crisis in our future, can you afford not to update your home's drainage system?

All right, let's say you lose everything and you need to sell your house. Good luck in this market! Banks are scared out of their minds, so no one can get a loan. But let's say you do find someone who wants to dive back into the shaky housing market. Which house do you think they would rather spend what little money they have left on? A house with standard gutters or one outfitted with our indestructible, virtually ice-proof gutters that are backed by a 15-year warranty and will keep squirrels, sparrows, and bats out for as long as you own your home?

You can't put a price on the peace of mind these gutters will give you, knowing you'll never have to leave your house in the middle of winter to clear leaves and battle the marauding hordes of shotgun-toting vigilantes who will make the streets of the suburbs run red with the blood of the weaker class.

And because I know money's tight, you know what I'll do? I'll give you a free estimate. Just say the word and we'll grab a cup of coffee, watch our life savings crumble into oblivion, and finally get your gutters right, 12 months out of the year.

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