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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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The Importance Of The Vote

It has been brought to my attention that I should advise my tallow-headed readership on the importance of occupying the voting-stalls in the coming months. Well, God damn you, by all means, do so! See if it changes your paltry lives in the slightest to send Harding packing back to his richly opiated Irish mistress! Put some straw-hatted prince of the moving-daguerreotypes in the White House! Repeat the follies of the past! Elect a dray-horse again, for all I care!

Of course, being the wealthy publisher of the greatest news-paper in the Republic, I see no need to vote. After all, why bother choosing the monkey when you can own the organ-grinder? It is a known fact that in the future, the president will be hand-picked by the ruling elite of that secret society known as the Rotarians, with a governor of a former Confederate state thrown in every few terms for variety's sake. I myself signed off on the plan before you were whelped, and it has ensured that I stay rich and powerful long after I should have been dead.

However, the voting-franchise is a good and useful ruse, and by dribbling it out piece-meal over the years to all and sundry, you have been given a false sense of progress that is convincing, indeed. It has, however, made a mess of the laws! In a proper country, the vote would only be given to good, solid men, preferably property-owners over the age of 35, not to those excessively dusky of skin, nor to Jews and Mohammedans. That is democratic enough for me!

Though there are precious few restrictions on the vote now-a-days, I take comfort in the fact that some standards are still up-held. We have not yet had an Irish-Catholic in the White House, mercifully sparing us all the Papist manipulation, drunken womanizing, and regrettable necessity of assassination which that would entail. Women have not yet achieved the right to befoul the polls with their hoop-skirted cackling. And, at last report, the votes from the entire God-forsaken state of Texas are still thrown, uncounted and burning, into the River Charles.

So, yes, by all means, vote. Do away with those pestilential Whigs and Free-Soilers! Restore the Fire-Eaters to the seat of power! Exercise your right to experience the illusion of political choice! It shall make my advisors happy, after all, and I can go back to planning my upcoming twice-annual shit in relative peace.

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