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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

The Island of Doctors and Monsters Is Not a Very Good Movie

Ah, the movies. The lights. The glamour. The action! Where else can a person escape to see the stars for the price of a good shave at the corner barber store? Hollywood town! Where a young ingenue can hitch her dreams to a rising star and sit on the director's couch and rise to the top of the Silver Screen.

As you know, I am a respected and feared critic here at the Butternut Gazette, where once a month, space permitting, I wield my poison pen and decide the fates of the movies.

I am one of the harshest critics in the business because I have reviewed over 11 movies in the past 20 years, and in all my years I have only given a good review to one of those movies and that movie was Beetlejuice. It is critics like myself that directors fear because my review can send them to the poor house if I don't think their movie is so good! But gone are the days when a man could enjoy a fine cigar and fish dinner while taking in a picture show.

Last week my editor, who is a young man named Steve and who lives two blocks away from us, just past Kent Avenue and up near the water tower, called me and told me I could see the movie called The Doctor and the Island and the Monsters.

I asked my wife, Toots, if she wanted to go see that movie and she said no because it looked like it had the sex and I said fine. And I saw a commercial for that movie on the television machine and it didn't look too good because there were people in it running around in the jungle with makeup on their faces like ladies except they weren't ladies, they were men of action! And one of the men was in a duel with a monster and that looked to be a spooky sight.

But my editor, Steve, told me to see it because otherwise I couldn't review a movie this month. And then he said it was the only movie left to review because he had given all the other reviews to a young "hot-shot." I told Steve (my editor) that I should talk to the young "hot-shot" because I could teach him a thing or two about the movie business! But Steve said that would not be necessary.

I went to see the movie alone without Toots but that was okay because she said she had to finish on the toilet. Down at the bijou in my town they do not have ushers to help you to your seat. My God, you'd think they wanted you to trip and break your neck!

In my day a man could take his best girl to the movies and buy her a cotton candy treat and after the movie they could sit under a tree and the fella would try and look at the girl's ankle because that was scandalous in my day! But now on the television programs you see the breasts.

Well, let me just say that That Monster Doctor's Island was not a very good movie. It starred the young "up-and-coming" actor Valentino Kilmers, who is a fine young man, but I did not approve of his broad shoulders in this movie. But he is an actor to watch for! It also starred another man. And it also starred a lady, and she seemed to be a swell dame. And it also starred the actor of actors, Mr. Marlon Branderson. Mr. Branderson is a star from the great old guard of Hollywood motion picture making in the studio days. He was in a movie once called The Fresh Man, about a man who wanted a lizard because he was a man of means and a criminal.

And he was also in a couple of other movies, among them A Stagecoach of Desire, in which he sang a famous song about the Wells Fargo wagon while yelling his sweetheart's name very loudly and very late at night and the girl came down and sang on the stagecoach with him. Except that maybe I am thinking of another movie, and Toots and I walked out of that movie anyway because he was standing around in his undergarments and he had no decency. None at all!

But they don't make pictures like that anymore because it was a musical picture and all music today sounds like banging on a can.

I had to leave halfway through The Island Monster Doctor Movie because the seat had a spring in it and the spring kept poking me where the sun doesn't shine! And when I say that I think you know what I mean, but I cannot be more specific because that kind of talk is for the Service.

I was in the Navy during the Great War, but I fell off a boat because Shorty hit me in the head with a mop. But you do not know Shorty because that was not his real name and I do not remember his real name and it was an accident that he hit me with the mop.

And Shorty is dead now anyway because life is a flighty bird. Next month I will review another movie.

Well, until next time, I will see you on the Silver Screen!

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted with permission from the Butternut Gazette in Butternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.

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