The Island of Doctors and Monsters Is Not a Very Good Movie

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Vol 30 Issue 03

Ask the Dungeonmaster

The Dungeonmaster has been supervising fantasy adventures for 14 years. In addition to gaming, he enjoys Marvel Comics, renting pornographic videotapes and playing the lute. Send letters to: "DM's Castle," c/o Asst. Mgr., Burger King, Store #4902, Piedmont, CA.

Liver Flees George Jones' Body

NASHVILLE, TN—After more than 40 years of absorbing vast quantities of hard alcohol, George Jones' liver finally fled the famed country singer's body Monday. "I can't take it anymore," the liver said. "A liver can only process so many toxins before it says to hell with it." Jones' liver absorbed its final drink early Monday morning, a bourbon and branch water that Jones had with some eggs for breakfast. Until it can find a place of its own, Jones' liver plans to share an apartment with Merle Haggard's liver and Hank Williams Jr.'s lungs.

Year Abroad Changes Student's Worldview For One Year

SKOKIE, IL—After a tremendously broadening year of travel through Northern Africa, area student Naomi Pilchner returned home to the U.S. yesterday, returning to her pre-year abroad worldview as well. "I'll never forget the things I saw there. There were mountains and grasslands and the most exotic animals imaginable. But there was also terrible drought and starvation—people were literally dying in the streets," Pilchner told friend Jennifer Baskin upon arriving home. "Do you want to go look for shoes at Woodfield, Jen? I saw this awesome pair of green sandals on sale."

Clinton Gets Box To Put Government's Stuff In

WASHINGTON, DC—Unable to keep track of an ever-mounting pile of federal items, President Clinton got a big box to put all the government's stuff in yesterday. "It was getting really messy," Clinton said. "So I decided it was time to get it all off the floor." According to Clinton, the box, made of sturdy, high-quality corrugated cardboard, will be used to hold many of the government's estimated 5.1 trillion belongings, which include 51 aircraft carriers, 296,000 staple removers and the tax records of every American citizen. "That's a lot of stuff," Clinton said. "I just hope it all fits."

Cry Of More, More, More Heard In Midnight Hour

LONDON—A cry of more, more, more was heard in the midnight hour Sunday, prompting police to launch a full-scale investigation. "While we don't have any leads yet, the yell clearly sounded like it came from an outsider, possibly even a rebel," said London police commissioner James Blaney. "Before I investigate further, though, I urge you to let me sink another drink, as it will give me time to think." Blaney added that if the current investigation—during which police have looked all over the world—fails to yield any real clues soon, tomorrow might be a nice day to start again. "Whoever this rebel is," Blaney said, "he clearly has got no human grace."

It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

The other day Judy the wife was yappin' that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French Cooking course she's taking. I figured at least I could get some grub out of the deal.

Military Academies Under Fire

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?
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The Island of Doctors and Monsters Is Not a Very Good Movie

Ah, the movies. The lights. The glamour. The action! Where else can a person escape to see the stars for the price of a good shave at the corner barber store? Hollywood town! Where a young ingenue can hitch her dreams to a rising star and sit on the director's couch and rise to the top of the Silver Screen.

As you know, I am a respected and feared critic here at the Butternut Gazette, where once a month, space permitting, I wield my poison pen and decide the fates of the movies.

I am one of the harshest critics in the business because I have reviewed over 11 movies in the past 20 years, and in all my years I have only given a good review to one of those movies and that movie was Beetlejuice. It is critics like myself that directors fear because my review can send them to the poor house if I don't think their movie is so good! But gone are the days when a man could enjoy a fine cigar and fish dinner while taking in a picture show.

Last week my editor, who is a young man named Steve and who lives two blocks away from us, just past Kent Avenue and up near the water tower, called me and told me I could see the movie called The Doctor and the Island and the Monsters.

I asked my wife, Toots, if she wanted to go see that movie and she said no because it looked like it had the sex and I said fine. And I saw a commercial for that movie on the television machine and it didn't look too good because there were people in it running around in the jungle with makeup on their faces like ladies except they weren't ladies, they were men of action! And one of the men was in a duel with a monster and that looked to be a spooky sight.

But my editor, Steve, told me to see it because otherwise I couldn't review a movie this month. And then he said it was the only movie left to review because he had given all the other reviews to a young "hot-shot." I told Steve (my editor) that I should talk to the young "hot-shot" because I could teach him a thing or two about the movie business! But Steve said that would not be necessary.

I went to see the movie alone without Toots but that was okay because she said she had to finish on the toilet. Down at the bijou in my town they do not have ushers to help you to your seat. My God, you'd think they wanted you to trip and break your neck!

In my day a man could take his best girl to the movies and buy her a cotton candy treat and after the movie they could sit under a tree and the fella would try and look at the girl's ankle because that was scandalous in my day! But now on the television programs you see the breasts.

Well, let me just say that That Monster Doctor's Island was not a very good movie. It starred the young "up-and-coming" actor Valentino Kilmers, who is a fine young man, but I did not approve of his broad shoulders in this movie. But he is an actor to watch for! It also starred another man. And it also starred a lady, and she seemed to be a swell dame. And it also starred the actor of actors, Mr. Marlon Branderson. Mr. Branderson is a star from the great old guard of Hollywood motion picture making in the studio days. He was in a movie once called The Fresh Man, about a man who wanted a lizard because he was a man of means and a criminal.

And he was also in a couple of other movies, among them A Stagecoach of Desire, in which he sang a famous song about the Wells Fargo wagon while yelling his sweetheart's name very loudly and very late at night and the girl came down and sang on the stagecoach with him. Except that maybe I am thinking of another movie, and Toots and I walked out of that movie anyway because he was standing around in his undergarments and he had no decency. None at all!

But they don't make pictures like that anymore because it was a musical picture and all music today sounds like banging on a can.

I had to leave halfway through The Island Monster Doctor Movie because the seat had a spring in it and the spring kept poking me where the sun doesn't shine! And when I say that I think you know what I mean, but I cannot be more specific because that kind of talk is for the Service.

I was in the Navy during the Great War, but I fell off a boat because Shorty hit me in the head with a mop. But you do not know Shorty because that was not his real name and I do not remember his real name and it was an accident that he hit me with the mop.

And Shorty is dead now anyway because life is a flighty bird. Next month I will review another movie.

Well, until next time, I will see you on the Silver Screen!

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted with permission from the Butternut Gazette in Butternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.

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