The Joy of Sales

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Vol 30 Issue 04

U.S. Consumers Demand Wider Selection

WASHINGTON, DC—Dissatisfied with their current range of choices, American consumers banded together Sunday to demand a wider selection of merchandise from the nation's retailers. "The current so-called 'selection' is deplorable," said group spokesperson and educated shopper Georgette Hughes. "Most things you buy, there's barely more than 20 varieties. When I go to an electronics chain, I want to see several hundred VCRs from which to choose. When I'm shopping for kitty litter, I want a thousand. This is bullshit." Hughes is calling for a mass boycott of all U.S. stores, with the exception of Home Depot and Wal-Mart.

Erik Estrada Big In Mexico

LOS ANGELES—According to word out of Hollywood, former CHIPs star and '70s sex symbol Erik Estrada is reportedly big in Mexico. "Yeah, Erik Estrada. Sure, I remember him—supposedly he's real big in Mexico now," said Ron Wolfstein, partner in the prominent talent agency of Wolfstein, Miller and Diamond. "I think I heard something about him being on whatever the big soap opera is down there. I forget what it's called—something like Siempre Amor, or Siempro de Todo? I'm not sure." Added Wolfstein: "Actually, forget it—I think I'm thinking of that guy from Dukes of Hazzard."

'Perfect' Birthday Card Discovered In Local Mall

SCHAUMBURG, IL—After a nearly hour-long search, which included visits to some five stationery stores, local resident Doris Kessler finally found the perfect birthday card for a friend yesterday at Woodfield Mall. "This is just perfect for Kate!" said Kessler, 47, holding the card she selected for friend and co-worker Kate Adler. The card read, "So you're 39... Again!" Said Kessler, "I love to kid Kate about her age—she'll never admit how old she is!" Kessler plans to present the card to Adler at work Thursday, along with a humorous "Over the Hill" mylar balloon. "She's just going to die when she sees that!" Kessler said.

Kremlin Reports Yeltsin In Good Health Following Burial

MOSCOW—In an effort to quell the many rumors circulating regarding the Russian president's physical condition, Kremlin officials reassured the public yesterday that Boris Yeltsin is in good health following his burial. "Mr. Yeltsin is in fine shape, strong as a Russian bear," Kremlin information director Vladimir Chernovsky said, standing near Yeltsin's grave. "In fact, just before dying, Mr. Yeltsin took a long swim in the icy waters of the Volga River, barely tiring at all." To prove his point, Chernovsky removed the six feet of dirt covering Yeltsin, pointing out his healthy skin tone, hearty frame and barely eaten eyeballs.

I'm Leaving My Fortune to That Lad On the Wireless Radio

Did you know I was once Governor of our fair state? Yes, from 1914 to 1920. I was known as the "Strip-Mining Governor" for my historic ceding of over 27 million square acres of state-owned land to the boron mining interests. Unfortunately, not a trace of boron was found, thousands of farmers and miners starved to death, and I was voted out of office after only one term. Damn those fickle voter bastards!

I've Got a Serious Case of Election Fever!

Item! It's political mania out there, and yours truly has been in the thick of it! Now, I know I shouldn't do politics, but this year has been so spectacular that I had to put in my two cents worth.
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The Joy of Sales

First of all, I can see you're all busy folks and the last thing you need is to waste time listening to a load of you-know-what, so let's get one thing straight right off. Dammit, I love sales.

I'm not trying to waste your time rambling on about my own personal passions. You've got things to do—hell, we all do—and you're not interested in a lot of hooey, so let's cut to the chase. If you want results, plain and simple, I'm the man for you, because from the depths of my soul I love sales more than anything else on God's Green Earth.

Selling is in my blood. I've sold everything from Bibles to bras-sieres. I'd sell air conditioners to Eskimos. If you've got the root beer I've got the ice. Why? Because I love people. In this job I talk to more people before lunch on Monday than most folks say hello to all week. I'm on the road, up and down seven states, with the sun on my face, whistling like a bluebird. Waiting for me in every town I visit are warm greetings and potentially lucrative accounts.

A wise man once said, "There's gold ships and silver ships, but there's no ships like friendships." Amen to that. Say what you will about fancy cars and glamorous ladies, but in my book, they can't compare to a friendly cry of "Howdy, Andy!" from a customer who knows he's getting a quality product at a fair and decent price.

I love the challenge. I crave the thrill of working the deal, and the surge of pride and hefty commission that come with the closing handshake. A successful sale is an art form, every bit as beautiful and subtle as a painting in the Louvre. It's a special gift, and, I don't mind saying, I've got it. I may not be a rocket scientist, but I'm a hell of a salesman. I'm no braggart—don't get me wrong. Some people are born salesmen and others aren't, that's all. I can no more shirk my appointed destiny than the great eagle can keep from soaring above the fruited plain.

Sales are my life. I can read people like a book. If there's one thing I know, it's people. I'm a people person. You need to get in close and not let up. You need to get up in the morning and pound the pavement. After all, customers aren't going to come to you. They want to see a winning grin and a can-do attitude. It's not just my product I'm selling, it's me. A casual friendly gesture or personal compliment can make the difference between a "bust" and a "bonus."

I get misty when I think of sales. Every man's got a credo, and mine is, "Care about the customer." What can match the sensation of inner peace I feel when jawing with a client over pie and coffee? They need the product, I need the sale, and if that ain't the brotherhood of man, then I don't know what it is. A man's got to earn his keep, and that's something we all share. I'd be a fool not to be goddamned grateful for good fortune, good friends, and a good hard sell.

Give me something to sell, and I'm happy as a clam. You know where you stand as a salesman. It's sink or swim. You've got to hold your own. You've got to have all your ducks in a row and not get ahead of yourself. You can't go off half-cocked. You need to start out right, with good customer service. Identify opportunities for greater sales to current clients, develop techniques for "cross-selling" and "up-selling" to bring in new clients, and increase total product movement.

Sometimes, the life of sales can be a hard row to hoe. I can't deny it. Often, the deck of life has dealt me some tough cards. Sure, I resent it sometimes, I'm only human. Sure, it can be boring, eating my biscuits and gravy alone in my room. Yes, I feel the occasional tinge of disappointment when no one accepts my invitation to come on over and play a little cribbage. Now and then I feel a bit down in the mouth when the office boys razz me about being 32 years of age and never having lain with a woman.

But you can bet your bottom dollar that each and every morning I rise with the dawn and get down on my hands and knees to thank the Good Lord in Heaven I can provide my customers with the security of maximum value over a wide range of financing and purchasing options. And I'm proud to be man enough to admit that now, even as I write these closing words, I'm weeping uncontrollable tears of ecstasy.

I'm done. You have yourself a great day!

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