The Ladies' Hats Are Too Big These Days

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Vol 31 Issue 13

Woman Injured In Hostile Makeover

NEW YORK—Area resident Julie Milner is in stable condition following a hostile makeover Monday. According to witnesses, Milner was looking at mascara at the Elizabeth Arden cosmetics counter at Macy's when several salespeople violently descended upon her, applying thick coats of rouge and eye shadow until she fell unconscious. "It was horrible," witness Stacie Hull said. "They had her in autumn colors, and she was obviously a winter."

Congress Raises Killing Age To 19

WASHINGTON, DC—Making good on a promise to curb juvenile crime, Congress passed legislation Monday making it illegal for anyone under 19 to commit murder. "If you kill someone, your parents will be notified and you may even spend time in jail," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Previously, murderers as young as 14, depending on state of residence, were considered to be acting within the law. President Clinton approved the bill, though he had recently threatened to veto it if youths between 16 and 19 were not granted certain killing privileges with parental consent.

Police Sketch Artist Admits To Only Drawing People Who Have Wronged Him

HOUSTON—Dozens of wrongful arrests were brought to light Saturday, as longtime Houston Police Department sketch artist Daniel Lampert confessed that for years he had used his artistic skill to indict innocent people who had angered him. "Remember that serial rapist eight years ago? That was a sketch of my neighbor," Lampert told reporters. "Son of a bitch wouldn't leash his dog." Lampert also revealed that Houston's notorious heroin kingpin Brad Manning, arrested hours after his sketch was completed, stole Lampert's girlfriend in college. "Jerk thought he was so big," Lampert said. "Showed him."

Indonesian Nine-Year-Old Loves To Volunteer

SURABAYA, INDONESIA—They don't come much more dedicated than nine-year-old Sibu Sandakan. Unlike most boys his age, who would rather spend their free time skateboarding or hanging out at the mall, this generous youngster spends every chance he gets doing volunteer work.

The McVeigh Trial

With the Oklahoma City bombing trial about to begin, many observers are questioning whether defendant Timothy McVeigh—the subject of intense media scrutiny for nearly two years—can get a fair trial before an unbiased jury. What do you think?

High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

WASHINGTON, DC—In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan to shift to digital, high-definition TV, technology which will make barely watchable crap far sharper and more detailed than ever before.
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The Ladies' Hats Are Too Big These Days

With the coming of spring-time, the ladies will soon be out promenading in the parks in their new fashions. It is my wish that the Paris couturiers reduce the size of the ladies' hats this season, as in years past I have had many unpleasant encounters with enormous millinery.

The worst incident happened many years ago when I was city editor of The Onion. I felt a touch of the "spring-fever" and decided to take in a matinee vaude-ville show at the Rialto. Normally, I eschewed this vulgar and low-class form of entertainment, but the gay zephyrs of the equinox must have tainted my judgment. So I paid my two bits and sat down in the back.

On the program was a comedy duo that exchanged jests and japes and clouted one another upon the head with indian-clubs. There was a gifted ape who wore a tuxedo and could ride a small goat. And, to my great delight, there was the soprano Miss Charlotte Wren, the beautiful and famous "Dainty Songbird," toast of all Europe.

But just before the day's amusement was to begin, a lady was shown to the stall immediately in front of me. Upon her head was the most massive and garish hat I had ever seen. It was decorated with silk rosettes, fruit and small stuffed birds. Not only did this nightmarish thing provoke instant nausea, it blocked my entire view of the stage!

I attempted to rid myself of the eyesore by slipping the usher a silver dollar to find me a better seat. He said that all the good seats were filled. Enraged, I struck the insolent whelp with my cane. Then, the lady in the offending hat told me to be quiet. That did it! Forgetting all chivalry, I ripped the hideous bonnet off her head, and with my cane dashed it into a heap of severed bird parts.

Of course, the rival papers had a field day with the incident. "Onion Editor Zweibel Assassinates Lady's Hat At Vaude-ville Matinee," snickered The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet in a front-page headline. The impertinent bastards!

I have not seen another Vaude-ville performance since and have strictly forbidden any female from wearing a hat at my estate. No ladies' hat will govern my life, no matter what the fashion.

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