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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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The Ladies' Hats Are Too Big These Days

With the coming of spring-time, the ladies will soon be out promenading in the parks in their new fashions. It is my wish that the Paris couturiers reduce the size of the ladies' hats this season, as in years past I have had many unpleasant encounters with enormous millinery.

The worst incident happened many years ago when I was city editor of The Onion. I felt a touch of the "spring-fever" and decided to take in a matinee vaude-ville show at the Rialto. Normally, I eschewed this vulgar and low-class form of entertainment, but the gay zephyrs of the equinox must have tainted my judgment. So I paid my two bits and sat down in the back.

On the program was a comedy duo that exchanged jests and japes and clouted one another upon the head with indian-clubs. There was a gifted ape who wore a tuxedo and could ride a small goat. And, to my great delight, there was the soprano Miss Charlotte Wren, the beautiful and famous "Dainty Songbird," toast of all Europe.

But just before the day's amusement was to begin, a lady was shown to the stall immediately in front of me. Upon her head was the most massive and garish hat I had ever seen. It was decorated with silk rosettes, fruit and small stuffed birds. Not only did this nightmarish thing provoke instant nausea, it blocked my entire view of the stage!

I attempted to rid myself of the eyesore by slipping the usher a silver dollar to find me a better seat. He said that all the good seats were filled. Enraged, I struck the insolent whelp with my cane. Then, the lady in the offending hat told me to be quiet. That did it! Forgetting all chivalry, I ripped the hideous bonnet off her head, and with my cane dashed it into a heap of severed bird parts.

Of course, the rival papers had a field day with the incident. "Onion Editor Zweibel Assassinates Lady's Hat At Vaude-ville Matinee," snickered The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet in a front-page headline. The impertinent bastards!

I have not seen another Vaude-ville performance since and have strictly forbidden any female from wearing a hat at my estate. No ladies' hat will govern my life, no matter what the fashion.

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