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The Marvelous New 'Sarcasm'

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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The Marvelous New 'Sarcasm'

Excuse me, but can you ignorant peasants be bothered to rouse yourselves from the puddle of steaming offal you call home long enough to hear what I have to say?

There is no need for hurt feelings, for I am merely jesting. You see, to-day I learned of a marvelous new method to convey humor in a cutting yet indirect manner. It is called "sarcasm."

When I was a young man, there were two types of humor. There was the humor to be had at the grievous expense of others and the humor of the minstrel-show. This newfangled "sarcasm" is neither. True, it can rob the person at whom it is directed of much dignity, but often the individual is unaware that he has been slighted until many hours later when he is in bed. It is purely verbal in nature and does not involve the heaving of pies or tarring and feathering. Nor does sarcasm require banjos or the singing of Stephen Foster tunes. Sarcasm is clearly in a class by it-self.

I recently learned of it from my youngest son M. Prescott, who had just returned from the Grand Tour of Europe and was eager to share the customs he had acquired. At first, I refused to listen, as I despise all things which exist out-side our great Republic. But M. Prescott told me that the English are very skilled at the sarcasm and wield it to great effect against their enemies.

I took great interest in this, for I have many, many enemies. So, after weeks of intense preparation, I have come up with several epigrams so devastatingly clever in their sarcasm that my adversaries will be forced to admit defeat and submit to my will immediately.

My first words of sarcasm are addressed toward President Woodrow Wilson: Do not feel bad about your debilitating stroke. Perhaps you can ask your wife Edith to run the Presidency in your place!

(Do you understand what I meant? Edith Wilson controls the Presidency already. I was pretending to behave as though she does not to make President Wilson rue the fact that he is a help-less gimp!)

Here is my second example of sarcasm, this time directed at William Randolph Hearst: You don't seem corrupt and depraved enough, Hearst old boy. Perhaps you should acquire a blonde actress floozy as your mistress to make up for your many years of reason and sobriety!

(Translation: Hearst has in truth been coupling with a blonde actress floozy for years now!)

I pity the man who is the target of my withering sarcasm!

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