adBlockCheck

The Marvelous New 'Sarcasm'

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Marvelous New 'Sarcasm'

Excuse me, but can you ignorant peasants be bothered to rouse yourselves from the puddle of steaming offal you call home long enough to hear what I have to say?

There is no need for hurt feelings, for I am merely jesting. You see, to-day I learned of a marvelous new method to convey humor in a cutting yet indirect manner. It is called "sarcasm."

When I was a young man, there were two types of humor. There was the humor to be had at the grievous expense of others and the humor of the minstrel-show. This newfangled "sarcasm" is neither. True, it can rob the person at whom it is directed of much dignity, but often the individual is unaware that he has been slighted until many hours later when he is in bed. It is purely verbal in nature and does not involve the heaving of pies or tarring and feathering. Nor does sarcasm require banjos or the singing of Stephen Foster tunes. Sarcasm is clearly in a class by it-self.

I recently learned of it from my youngest son M. Prescott, who had just returned from the Grand Tour of Europe and was eager to share the customs he had acquired. At first, I refused to listen, as I despise all things which exist out-side our great Republic. But M. Prescott told me that the English are very skilled at the sarcasm and wield it to great effect against their enemies.

I took great interest in this, for I have many, many enemies. So, after weeks of intense preparation, I have come up with several epigrams so devastatingly clever in their sarcasm that my adversaries will be forced to admit defeat and submit to my will immediately.

My first words of sarcasm are addressed toward President Woodrow Wilson: Do not feel bad about your debilitating stroke. Perhaps you can ask your wife Edith to run the Presidency in your place!

(Do you understand what I meant? Edith Wilson controls the Presidency already. I was pretending to behave as though she does not to make President Wilson rue the fact that he is a help-less gimp!)

Here is my second example of sarcasm, this time directed at William Randolph Hearst: You don't seem corrupt and depraved enough, Hearst old boy. Perhaps you should acquire a blonde actress floozy as your mistress to make up for your many years of reason and sobriety!

(Translation: Hearst has in truth been coupling with a blonde actress floozy for years now!)

I pity the man who is the target of my withering sarcasm!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close