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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The Milli Vanilli Saga Meets A Tragic End!

Item! Grammy-winning superduo Milli Vanilli is no more! It breaks my heart to report this, but one of the members died in Germany of a drug overdose! I don't know if it was Milli or Vanilli, but whichever it was, this drug madness has got to stop. Why would someone like Milli or Vanilli, a man who had it all, turn to drugs? It just boggles the mind. I want to leave you with an impromptu prayer for the departed: Milli or Vanilli, you know it's true. Ooh, ooh, ooh, we loved you. Rest in peace, friend.

As long as we're on the subject of passings, a fond farewell to the great Tammy Wynette, a class act all the way. Tammy, if ever I'm in Nashville, you can rest assured I will stand by your grave.

Item! Lest you think I've forsaken Hollywood to become a dead-musician reporter, here's a juicy movie tidbit. I just saw As Good As It Gets, and I've got to say, I love that dog! I've never been a fan of little dogs, but this particular pooch lit up the screen! Oscar-winning actor Jack Nicholson and Oscar-winning Helen Hunt were great, but it was that dog that truly deserved a golden statue. (Perhaps for Best Supporting Schnauzer?) If you're a connoisseur of canines, go see As Good As It Gets "as soon as you can"!

Speaking of As Good As It Gets, I have to say that Buffy The Vampire Slayer is "good" for a scare and a chuckle. Or even two or three! It's all thanks to the show's star, cutie-pie actress Sarah Jessica Parker, who also appeared in the movies Scream, Scream Again and Are You At Home Alone 3. Forget Cupid's arrow... This sexy vampire-slayer just put a stake through my heart!

Item! Just one reptile is on people's minds these days, and it's the one and only dinosaur (which comes from the Greek, meaning "thunder lizard"). People are wearing them on T-shirts, going to see them in movies like Jurassic Park, and dressing up like them just for the heck of it. I hear they're even doing a remake of the best dinosaur movie ever, Beast From 20,000 Fathoms! You can't possibly "fathom" how excited this makes me! I'm a fan from way back. Way back.

Item! Get ready to have some "must-free" time on your hands... Seinfeld is calling it quits! And guess who has the hot tip on how it's going to end? That's right, yours truly. I have it on good authority that the show about nothing is going to go out with a bang–literally! I can't tell you too much, but there is going to be a bomb, and not everyone is going to make it out of that wacky Manhattan apartment alive. But who is responsible for the deadly explosive device? Is it Newman, Jerry's arch-rival? Or is it Kramer, who has always shown a fondness for blowing things up? Or is it someone else? I have an idea, but I'm not about to give it away. Suffice it to say, you'll just have to watch it this Thursday to find out. Now, this is must-see TV!

Item! I still haven't seen Good Will Hunting, but just as soon as I do, I'll let you know what I think.

Remember those VW Bugs? You know, the German cars that had a motor in the trunk and a trunk in the front? Well, they're baaaack! I had a VW Bug in college. My friends and I would try to see how many of us could cram into it at once. I kissed a girl in that Bug once, too, but I am a gentleman, and I will never reveal the name of that lady. That's not to say that I'm still spoken for, however, because I am currently available.

Well, Titanic is still unsinkable! Of course, I'm talking about the movie, not the ship, which went down in the Atlantic Ocean in 1904. Now there's word that sequel-happy director James Cameron has set his sights on doing a romanticized retelling of the Edmund Fitzgerald tragedy. Now, I loved Titanic, but I say enough is enough! Have some respect for the dead, Mr. Cameron!

Item! According to some of my more reliable sources, they're going to make a movie based on Irwin Allen's classic The Towering Inferno. If you ask me, I think The Poseidon Adventure would be a better choice for the silver screen, what with America's obsession with sinking ships. But who am I to say? I'm sure I'll love it just the same. I wonder who's going to play the O.J. Simpson role?

Well, I've gotten many letters asking whether I've had a follow-up date with the mystery woman who stood me up yet, but I've decided to remain mute or moot, whichever is the correct word. Until I decide to dish the dirt on me and the mystery woman, you'll just have to turn to the glow of the silver screen to get your vicarious romantic thrills. That's all for now!

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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