The Milli Vanilli Saga Meets A Tragic End!

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Vol 33 Issue 17

Koko The Gorilla Now Just Flipping Everybody Off

WOODSIDE, CA–Koko, the famed gorilla whose mastery of sign language made her a celebrity, has now resorted to flipping everybody off. "Apparently, after more than 20 years of rigorous sign-language training and cue-card drills, Koko is sick of being the world's foremost test ape," said Koko trainer Dr. Francine Patterson. "Yesterday, she gave me the hand sign for 'Leave me the hell alone, already. I am an intelligent creature who has more than adequately demonstrated my vast capacity for reasoning and other high-level brain functions. Go away, and let me eat my banana in peace.'"

Astronomers Predict Giant Asteroid Will Hit Nation's Theaters This Summer

PALO ALTO, CA–Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory warned the U.S. government Monday that a six-mile-wide asteroid will strike movie theaters nationwide this summer. "America's moviegoers are about to be hit from above with non-stop thrills," observatory director Phillip Howard said. "If safety measures are not taken at once, the entire human race is in danger of being blown away by spectacular special effects and non-stop action." Top Clinton cabinet members are meeting with Pentagon officials to see whether a barrage of missiles might destroy the $70 million Paramount Pictures release before it comes dangerously close to a theater near you.

Clinton, Hagar Meet To Discuss Federal Speed-Limit Issues

WASHINGTON, DC–On Tuesday, President Clinton held a special closed-door session with veteran rocker and automotive-acceleration activist Sammy Hagar to discuss key federal speed-limit issues. "Mr. Hagar and I made good progress, and I now have a much better understanding of his strong opposition to the current 55-mile-per-hour speed limit," Clinton said. "I am confident a compromise can be reached." Hagar, who has been written up for speeds reaching upwards of 145 and whose license has been taken and all that jive on numerous occasions, is calling for the speed limit to be raised to 250.

Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That

WASHINGTON, DC–Frustrated and "no longer fooling around," the nation's substitute teachers publicly demanded Monday to know the identity of the student who threw that. "We are really starting to get fed up here," said Paula Jenkins, president of the National Association Of Substitute Teachers. "We want to know who threw that right now, and we are not kidding." If the perpetrator is not revealed within the next minute, the substitutes have threatened to leave the nation's regular teachers a scathing report detailing the misbehavior of U.S. students while they were out.

Gore Reprimanded For Failure To Look Busy

WASHINGTON, DC—The embattled Clinton Administration found itself engulfed in still more controversy Wednesday, when The Washington Post reported that Vice-President Al Gore has been formally reprimanded by a federal grand jury for failing to look busy.

Human Affection Now Available Only From Grandparents, Down Syndrome Children

SEATTLE—In findings likely to have major ramifications on interpersonal relations throughout society, researchers at the University of Washington's Institute For Advanced Behavioral Studies announced Monday that human affection—the unconditional expression of feelings of warmth and approval toward another individual—is now only available from two sources: grandparents born before the year 1938 and children afflicted with the genetic disorder Down Syndrome.
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The Milli Vanilli Saga Meets A Tragic End!

Item! Grammy-winning superduo Milli Vanilli is no more! It breaks my heart to report this, but one of the members died in Germany of a drug overdose! I don't know if it was Milli or Vanilli, but whichever it was, this drug madness has got to stop. Why would someone like Milli or Vanilli, a man who had it all, turn to drugs? It just boggles the mind. I want to leave you with an impromptu prayer for the departed: Milli or Vanilli, you know it's true. Ooh, ooh, ooh, we loved you. Rest in peace, friend.

As long as we're on the subject of passings, a fond farewell to the great Tammy Wynette, a class act all the way. Tammy, if ever I'm in Nashville, you can rest assured I will stand by your grave.

Item! Lest you think I've forsaken Hollywood to become a dead-musician reporter, here's a juicy movie tidbit. I just saw As Good As It Gets, and I've got to say, I love that dog! I've never been a fan of little dogs, but this particular pooch lit up the screen! Oscar-winning actor Jack Nicholson and Oscar-winning Helen Hunt were great, but it was that dog that truly deserved a golden statue. (Perhaps for Best Supporting Schnauzer?) If you're a connoisseur of canines, go see As Good As It Gets "as soon as you can"!

Speaking of As Good As It Gets, I have to say that Buffy The Vampire Slayer is "good" for a scare and a chuckle. Or even two or three! It's all thanks to the show's star, cutie-pie actress Sarah Jessica Parker, who also appeared in the movies Scream, Scream Again and Are You At Home Alone 3. Forget Cupid's arrow... This sexy vampire-slayer just put a stake through my heart!

Item! Just one reptile is on people's minds these days, and it's the one and only dinosaur (which comes from the Greek, meaning "thunder lizard"). People are wearing them on T-shirts, going to see them in movies like Jurassic Park, and dressing up like them just for the heck of it. I hear they're even doing a remake of the best dinosaur movie ever, Beast From 20,000 Fathoms! You can't possibly "fathom" how excited this makes me! I'm a fan from way back. Way back.

Item! Get ready to have some "must-free" time on your hands... Seinfeld is calling it quits! And guess who has the hot tip on how it's going to end? That's right, yours truly. I have it on good authority that the show about nothing is going to go out with a bang–literally! I can't tell you too much, but there is going to be a bomb, and not everyone is going to make it out of that wacky Manhattan apartment alive. But who is responsible for the deadly explosive device? Is it Newman, Jerry's arch-rival? Or is it Kramer, who has always shown a fondness for blowing things up? Or is it someone else? I have an idea, but I'm not about to give it away. Suffice it to say, you'll just have to watch it this Thursday to find out. Now, this is must-see TV!

Item! I still haven't seen Good Will Hunting, but just as soon as I do, I'll let you know what I think.

Remember those VW Bugs? You know, the German cars that had a motor in the trunk and a trunk in the front? Well, they're baaaack! I had a VW Bug in college. My friends and I would try to see how many of us could cram into it at once. I kissed a girl in that Bug once, too, but I am a gentleman, and I will never reveal the name of that lady. That's not to say that I'm still spoken for, however, because I am currently available.

Well, Titanic is still unsinkable! Of course, I'm talking about the movie, not the ship, which went down in the Atlantic Ocean in 1904. Now there's word that sequel-happy director James Cameron has set his sights on doing a romanticized retelling of the Edmund Fitzgerald tragedy. Now, I loved Titanic, but I say enough is enough! Have some respect for the dead, Mr. Cameron!

Item! According to some of my more reliable sources, they're going to make a movie based on Irwin Allen's classic The Towering Inferno. If you ask me, I think The Poseidon Adventure would be a better choice for the silver screen, what with America's obsession with sinking ships. But who am I to say? I'm sure I'll love it just the same. I wonder who's going to play the O.J. Simpson role?

Well, I've gotten many letters asking whether I've had a follow-up date with the mystery woman who stood me up yet, but I've decided to remain mute or moot, whichever is the correct word. Until I decide to dish the dirt on me and the mystery woman, you'll just have to turn to the glow of the silver screen to get your vicarious romantic thrills. That's all for now!

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