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The Milli Vanilli Saga Meets A Tragic End!

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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The Milli Vanilli Saga Meets A Tragic End!

Item! Grammy-winning superduo Milli Vanilli is no more! It breaks my heart to report this, but one of the members died in Germany of a drug overdose! I don't know if it was Milli or Vanilli, but whichever it was, this drug madness has got to stop. Why would someone like Milli or Vanilli, a man who had it all, turn to drugs? It just boggles the mind. I want to leave you with an impromptu prayer for the departed: Milli or Vanilli, you know it's true. Ooh, ooh, ooh, we loved you. Rest in peace, friend.

As long as we're on the subject of passings, a fond farewell to the great Tammy Wynette, a class act all the way. Tammy, if ever I'm in Nashville, you can rest assured I will stand by your grave.

Item! Lest you think I've forsaken Hollywood to become a dead-musician reporter, here's a juicy movie tidbit. I just saw As Good As It Gets, and I've got to say, I love that dog! I've never been a fan of little dogs, but this particular pooch lit up the screen! Oscar-winning actor Jack Nicholson and Oscar-winning Helen Hunt were great, but it was that dog that truly deserved a golden statue. (Perhaps for Best Supporting Schnauzer?) If you're a connoisseur of canines, go see As Good As It Gets "as soon as you can"!

Speaking of As Good As It Gets, I have to say that Buffy The Vampire Slayer is "good" for a scare and a chuckle. Or even two or three! It's all thanks to the show's star, cutie-pie actress Sarah Jessica Parker, who also appeared in the movies Scream, Scream Again and Are You At Home Alone 3. Forget Cupid's arrow... This sexy vampire-slayer just put a stake through my heart!

Item! Just one reptile is on people's minds these days, and it's the one and only dinosaur (which comes from the Greek, meaning "thunder lizard"). People are wearing them on T-shirts, going to see them in movies like Jurassic Park, and dressing up like them just for the heck of it. I hear they're even doing a remake of the best dinosaur movie ever, Beast From 20,000 Fathoms! You can't possibly "fathom" how excited this makes me! I'm a fan from way back. Way back.

Item! Get ready to have some "must-free" time on your hands... Seinfeld is calling it quits! And guess who has the hot tip on how it's going to end? That's right, yours truly. I have it on good authority that the show about nothing is going to go out with a bang–literally! I can't tell you too much, but there is going to be a bomb, and not everyone is going to make it out of that wacky Manhattan apartment alive. But who is responsible for the deadly explosive device? Is it Newman, Jerry's arch-rival? Or is it Kramer, who has always shown a fondness for blowing things up? Or is it someone else? I have an idea, but I'm not about to give it away. Suffice it to say, you'll just have to watch it this Thursday to find out. Now, this is must-see TV!

Item! I still haven't seen Good Will Hunting, but just as soon as I do, I'll let you know what I think.

Remember those VW Bugs? You know, the German cars that had a motor in the trunk and a trunk in the front? Well, they're baaaack! I had a VW Bug in college. My friends and I would try to see how many of us could cram into it at once. I kissed a girl in that Bug once, too, but I am a gentleman, and I will never reveal the name of that lady. That's not to say that I'm still spoken for, however, because I am currently available.

Well, Titanic is still unsinkable! Of course, I'm talking about the movie, not the ship, which went down in the Atlantic Ocean in 1904. Now there's word that sequel-happy director James Cameron has set his sights on doing a romanticized retelling of the Edmund Fitzgerald tragedy. Now, I loved Titanic, but I say enough is enough! Have some respect for the dead, Mr. Cameron!

Item! According to some of my more reliable sources, they're going to make a movie based on Irwin Allen's classic The Towering Inferno. If you ask me, I think The Poseidon Adventure would be a better choice for the silver screen, what with America's obsession with sinking ships. But who am I to say? I'm sure I'll love it just the same. I wonder who's going to play the O.J. Simpson role?

Well, I've gotten many letters asking whether I've had a follow-up date with the mystery woman who stood me up yet, but I've decided to remain mute or moot, whichever is the correct word. Until I decide to dish the dirt on me and the mystery woman, you'll just have to turn to the glow of the silver screen to get your vicarious romantic thrills. That's all for now!

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