adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

The New Eunuch Is Not Working Out

It was my birth-day recently, and the customary deluge of gifts flooded the Estate. I was wheeled into my private amusement annex so that I could watch the unwrapping of my presents. As usual, I was given needless rubbish and picayune baubles that serve me no purpose. I received what must have been my 659th mechanical nightingale from whomever is the Emperor of Siam now-a-days, when what I truly desired was a new shawl and a visit from the Grim Reaper. I directed Standish to cast the nightingale into the furnace and bury the rest of the unopened loot in the court-yard.

As the remaining gifts were taken from the room, one of the larger boxes began to jostle and shake violently. A pool of urine quickly formed in the seat of my wheel-chair, so filled with fear was I. "Let me out," a voice called from the box. "I am an eunuch sent by the Sultan of Mazrahdekh as a gift to the Honorable T. Herman Zweibel with the warmest birthday wishes."

Well, that was just splendid. Didn't that idiot Sultan realize I have no need for a eunuch? I am already advised by a vizier and an alchemist, not to mention my soothsayers three. I even have an unquestioning sycophant in the form of my faithful man-servant Standish. And precisely where did the Sultan expect me to keep it–in the pantry?

My son J. Phineas insisted that the box be opened. "Eunuchs are often trained in song and dance. He could be summoned into your bed-chamber every night, so that he may regale you with a lullaby. Perhaps you would no longer require your nightly soothing-syrups in order to sleep."

That night, my bed-chamber was ablaze with candle-light and my bed swathed in sheer muslin gauze. Standish pulled on the bell-rope and the eunuch promptly appeared, bedecked in flowers and brandishing a zither. It began to strum on it for what seemed the longest time, no doubt to lure me into a tranquil mood, but it only provoked my ire. "Get on with your singing, you testicleless oaf!" I screamed.

The eunuch began to sing in a voice that sounded like a cross between a little girl and a klaxon. Its voice so unnerved me that I could only look on helplessly, mouth agape. Standish sensed my confusion and distress, and whispered in my ear, "Castrated men sing in a high register, sir."

I couldn't bear the thought of this eunuch singing another note, so I told Standish to put it back in the box until I could think of some other use for it. Curse it all! I'm too old to have to worry about eunuchs.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close