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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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The Peace Of The Womb

As the publisher of the greatest news-paper the Republic has ever seen, I have not had a peace-ful existence. My thousand daily cares are like great chains of iron on my spirit, and my soul shrivels inside me as if weeping heart's-blood from a thousand cuts. And being an ulcerated, leprous 132-year-old man with cast-iron dentures and prosthetic ears doesn't help one God-damned bit.

The one consolation I have in my advanced state of decline is my dear, dear son, N. Aeschylus, whose tread upon the stair is that of a joyous bull-dozer, whose metallic shriek of laughter wakes me with a start every 10 minutes.

Indeed, N. Aeschylus' antics recently provided me, albeit inadvertently, with my only moment of true peace in more than 75 years. As he sported playfully around my bed-chamber, amusing me as I lay helplessly in my iron-lung, he happened to brush against the iron lung's padded head-piece. Quicker than it takes to tell, the collar which held me fast in the mechanism's cold embrace popped open. The force of N. Aeschylus' gallivant thrust my head inside like a musket-ball up a constipated Hessian. Just as quickly, the brass sea-hatch on the outside clanged shut, sealing me inside my iron-lung!

I opened my mouth to cry out in the darkness, but it quickly filled with the warm, briny solution in which my carcass is suspended. Panicked, I added a good deal of my own body's effluvia to the mixture. I flailed meekly about in the viscous fluid for several minutes before realizing that, for the first time in living memory, I was actually quite comfortable!

The darkness, warmth, and total absence of sound I experienced as I floated in the iron-lung were much like that of the womb. Like many people, I have always wanted to return to the womb. But in early days, I was discouraged by my dear mother, and I later became engrossed in business. But my time in the iron-lung was peaceful, indeed, although it stank. And, unlike the time I spend in the uncertain realm of sleep, I was not haunted by hundreds of betrayed and uneasy ghosts.

Unfortunately, I was removed by my steam-fitters before I drowned inside. What's worse, I cannot repeat the experience, as I suffered a horrible case of the bends. So my pain in life is doubled again, but it was worth the five or so minutes of Elysian respite I experienced. Dear N. Aeschylus! He may cause all the accidents he wants if they are all so blessed!

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