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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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The Peace Of The Womb

As the publisher of the greatest news-paper the Republic has ever seen, I have not had a peace-ful existence. My thousand daily cares are like great chains of iron on my spirit, and my soul shrivels inside me as if weeping heart's-blood from a thousand cuts. And being an ulcerated, leprous 132-year-old man with cast-iron dentures and prosthetic ears doesn't help one God-damned bit.

The one consolation I have in my advanced state of decline is my dear, dear son, N. Aeschylus, whose tread upon the stair is that of a joyous bull-dozer, whose metallic shriek of laughter wakes me with a start every 10 minutes.

Indeed, N. Aeschylus' antics recently provided me, albeit inadvertently, with my only moment of true peace in more than 75 years. As he sported playfully around my bed-chamber, amusing me as I lay helplessly in my iron-lung, he happened to brush against the iron lung's padded head-piece. Quicker than it takes to tell, the collar which held me fast in the mechanism's cold embrace popped open. The force of N. Aeschylus' gallivant thrust my head inside like a musket-ball up a constipated Hessian. Just as quickly, the brass sea-hatch on the outside clanged shut, sealing me inside my iron-lung!

I opened my mouth to cry out in the darkness, but it quickly filled with the warm, briny solution in which my carcass is suspended. Panicked, I added a good deal of my own body's effluvia to the mixture. I flailed meekly about in the viscous fluid for several minutes before realizing that, for the first time in living memory, I was actually quite comfortable!

The darkness, warmth, and total absence of sound I experienced as I floated in the iron-lung were much like that of the womb. Like many people, I have always wanted to return to the womb. But in early days, I was discouraged by my dear mother, and I later became engrossed in business. But my time in the iron-lung was peaceful, indeed, although it stank. And, unlike the time I spend in the uncertain realm of sleep, I was not haunted by hundreds of betrayed and uneasy ghosts.

Unfortunately, I was removed by my steam-fitters before I drowned inside. What's worse, I cannot repeat the experience, as I suffered a horrible case of the bends. So my pain in life is doubled again, but it was worth the five or so minutes of Elysian respite I experienced. Dear N. Aeschylus! He may cause all the accidents he wants if they are all so blessed!

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