The Plumbing Business Is Not As Glamorous As The Porn Industry Depicts

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 01

Olympic Bronze Medalist To Appear In Flintstones On Ice

DETROIT–Kristin Hammond, figure-skating bronze medalist at the 1998 Nagano Winter Olympics, will once again dazzle skating fans in Flintstones On Ice, playing at Detroit's Joe Louis Arena twice daily through Jan. 30. "When I started skating at age five, I knew I wanted to be in the spotlight," said Hammond, who will play the role of Bedrock resident Betty Rubble in the ice-based production of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon. "After so many years of hard work, in a way, my dreams came more or less true, I guess." Following the touring show's 20-city run, Hammond is slated to appear in an advertisement for a heating-and-cooling repair service in her hometown of Edina, MN.

Bathroom-Disinfectant Ad Reinforces Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

WENATCHEE, WA–A TV commercial for Lysol Bathroom Disinfectant Spray sent OCD sufferer Janine Whittaker plunging even deeper into the disorder Monday. "Germs... germs everywhere," said Whittaker, furiously scrubbing her bathroom's new, already-gleaming shower tile with an industrial-strength ammonia-based cleanser after viewing the Lysol ad. "That commercial is right: Invisible germs and mildew lurk everywhere–in the tub, on the toilet, on the countertops, and in those hard-to-reach spots under the sink." Whittaker was hospitalized in March 1999 after watching a 30-second spot for Palmolive Anti-Bacterial Dishwashing Liquid.

Goddamn Ficus Plant Should Come With Instructions

ALBUQUERQUE, NM–According to area resident Howard Braddock, 44, the goddamn ficus plant in the sun room ought to come with some basic fucking instructions as to what to give it and when. "I'm either overwatering it or underwatering it," said Braddock of the dying plant. "But unless I get myself either an owner's manual or a Ph.D in botany, I may as well just flip a friggin' coin." Braddock further noted that whatever the hell's wrong, three leaves fall off every time he even so much as breathes on the damn thing.

AOL Acquires Time-Warner In Largest-Ever Expenditure Of Pretend Internet Money

DULLES, VA–In the largest merger of imaginary assets in corporate history, Internet giant America Online last week acquired media megacorp Time-Warner for an unprecedented $161 billion in pretend money. "This merger will revolutionize the way invisible amounts of non-existent cash are transferred," said Steve Case of AOL, a company whose actual revenues are a tiny fraction of its make-believe valuation. In an effort to keep pace with AOL, website blairwitchproject.com is expected to acquire General Motors sometime later this week.

Off His Rocker?

In a recent Sports Illustrated article, Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker called a Latin-American teammate "a fat monkey," insulted Asians and single mothers, and said he would never play for a New York team because he didn't want to ride a subway "next to some queer with AIDS." As a result, baseball commissioner Bud Selig ordered Rocker to undergo psychological testing. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Comedy

The Plumbing Business Is Not As Glamorous As The Porn Industry Depicts

Plumbing is really a pretty good career, as careers go. The pay's decent, the work's steady, and you get the satisfaction of a job well done. As a tradesman, I really can't complain. But let me tell you, being a plumber isn't quite what those pornography people make it out to be.

I bet you think my average "service call" involves going to a nice-looking house, ringing the bell, and having the door answered by some gorgeous, well-endowed lady in her skimpy apron. You probably think she then grabs me by the tool belt and drags me into the house, where she proceeds to tell me she needs a lot of pipe laid in her kitchen, bends over the counter to show me what she means, and... whammo! Pretty soon, she's introducing me to her neighbor, Mrs. Jones, and telling her that I have just the special tool she needs to fix her own plumbing.

This is not the case.

Many apprentice plumbers naively assume that the only reason horny housewives aren't asking to see their plumber's snakes is that they have yet to achieve a Master rating in their trade. "Apprenticeship is frustrating," these greenhorns no doubt say to themselves, "but one day, when I've earned my stripes, I'll ask some busty blonde about the water in her basement, and she'll say, 'Yes, it is awfully wet down there,' and the next thing you know, it's party time!"

Now, I'm not saying this absolutely never happens. But it is, in fact, far less common than you've been led to believe. The incidents depicted in such classic pornos as Plumbin' In The Kitchen With Dinah and The Over-The-Sink-able Molly Brown are reportedly based on actual events. But they are wildly exaggerated in typical Hollywood style, presented in such a way as to make Joe Pipewrench's love life seem a lot more exciting than it actually is.

The biggest difference between fantasy and reality is, actual horny housewives don't resemble porn-movie horny housewives as much as they do bank vaults. And they don't lead you on with hot talk about hoses or tool belts, either–in all three of my encounters with such housewives, I had to practically come right out and proposition them. But at least those ladies were game: Most of the time when you start dropping hints, your customers look at you like they don't know what you're talking about. And in the movies, they don't cry out of guilt and shame afterwards. Or worse, ask you for money.

Looking back on it, I guess I started down this road for the wrong reasons. I've talked to other plumbers raised on porn, and many of them did the same thing. I don't regret the choices I've made, but I want to make sure that young men get the message: Become a plumber only if you want to plumb. Otherwise, you're better off as a pool cleaner.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More