The Proper Way To Club A Man

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Vol 33 Issue 08

Ants Demand 23.9-Hour Workday

STILLWATER, OK—Frustrated with what they describe as unreasonable working conditions, a local clan of carpenter ants went on strike Tuesday to demand that their workday be reduced to 23 hours and 54 minutes. “All we ask is a mere six minutes off each day, so that we might rest and replenish ourselves with nutrient paste,” said ant spokesman HR-23200165-8608. “Is that so unreasonable?” Sources within the ant clan have suggested that the workers are willing to compromise, and would likely accept a 167.65-hour work week. If the strike persists for another three seconds, the queen of the clan has threatened to dispatch her legion of hunter-seeker warrior-class drones to devour the 18,000 ants participating in the strike.

Sixth Grader Begins Work On Pony Trilogy

CANTON, OH—Canton-area sixth-grader Melissa Wright announced plans Monday to begin work on her much-anticipated "Pony Trilogy," a three-part series chronicling her adventures with fictional pony Star Rider. Volume one, tentatively titled Melissa Meets Star Rider, is expected to be completed sometime this week. "It’s gonna be about me and Star Rider having all this fun together, and I’m also gonna talk about how much I love to ride her," Wright said. While Wright did not give exact details of the second and third installments, they are widely expected to touch on Star Rider’s amazing ability to fly, as well as the pony’s acquisition of a magic emerald which grants Wright the power to eavesdrop on anyone she wants to by speaking their name. "Expect this work to take sixth-grade pony fiction in exciting new directions," said George Toffel of Doubleday Press.

PLO Claims Responsibility For Bombing Of Krippendorf’s Tribe

BEIRUT, LEBANON—In one of the deadliest acts of cinematic terrorism in recent years, the Palestinian Liberation Organization claimed responsibility Monday for the bombing of the Touchstone Pictures comedy Krippendorf’s Tribe. "To protest the continued Jewish occupation of our homeland, we have engineered the bombing of this film, creating singularly unappealing promotional ads and posters; giving it a formulaic script filled with tired, unfunny gags; and devoting more than 45 minutes of screen time to a naked, body-painted Richard Dreyfuss," a PLO statement said of the bombing, which claimed the jobs of three Touchstone executives. "Return Palestine to its rightful owners, or we shall mastermind a three-hour Steve Guttenberg/Shelley Long romantic comedy such that the world has never seen."

The Super-Flu Threat

Although there hasn't been a new case of avian flu since last December, when it took six lives in Hong Kong, virologists fear it could combine with another existing flu to form a highly lethal and contagious "super-flu" virus, killing millions worldwide. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

The Proper Way To Club A Man

The spring-time sporting season will soon be upon us, and many through-out our Republic will be engaged in spirited matches of base-ball, foot-racing, tug-of-war, hoop-the-ball, and ring-around-the-goose. As you know, many of these games involve the clubbing of the opponent. And, each year, there is no end to my disgust over the ineptness with which most people wield a club, whether it be a billy-club, indian-club or Irish shillelagh. So here is a brief and handy treatise, which you may sever from this news-paper and carry in your pocket-book, on the proper way to cudgel a man. My son V. Lucius demonstrates in the accompanying lithographs.

The first lithograph shows the improper technique. Why, you couldn't hurt your grand-mother in this position! Notice how mousy and tentative V. Lucius' stance is, his shoulders stooped and his left arm crooked in a defensive position. It looks as though he is cringing from the very opponent he must strike! Worst of all, the club is perpendicular to the ground, which means he has very little power behind it. At best, he might achieve a glancing blow off his opponent's cranium and scarcely do any lasting damage. This is the method I see all the time upon the playing-gridiron, and it is a disgrace to the art of sports-manship.

The second lithograph, as you have guessed, shows the proper stance. Look how much better it is! V. Lucius is facing his opponent, raising the club authoritatively at a fearsome angle. His left arm is not shielding his torso, but steadying it so that he may give his opponent some good punishment. His expression is reminiscent of that of a fierce Nordic warrior. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that cudgel!

Practice this technique at home first, then try it on the playing-field. I promise you will get vastly improved results! You'll thank me for it later!

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