The Proper Way To Club A Man

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

The Proper Way To Club A Man

The spring-time sporting season will soon be upon us, and many through-out our Republic will be engaged in spirited matches of base-ball, foot-racing, tug-of-war, hoop-the-ball, and ring-around-the-goose. As you know, many of these games involve the clubbing of the opponent. And, each year, there is no end to my disgust over the ineptness with which most people wield a club, whether it be a billy-club, indian-club or Irish shillelagh. So here is a brief and handy treatise, which you may sever from this news-paper and carry in your pocket-book, on the proper way to cudgel a man. My son V. Lucius demonstrates in the accompanying lithographs.

The first lithograph shows the improper technique. Why, you couldn't hurt your grand-mother in this position! Notice how mousy and tentative V. Lucius' stance is, his shoulders stooped and his left arm crooked in a defensive position. It looks as though he is cringing from the very opponent he must strike! Worst of all, the club is perpendicular to the ground, which means he has very little power behind it. At best, he might achieve a glancing blow off his opponent's cranium and scarcely do any lasting damage. This is the method I see all the time upon the playing-gridiron, and it is a disgrace to the art of sports-manship.

The second lithograph, as you have guessed, shows the proper stance. Look how much better it is! V. Lucius is facing his opponent, raising the club authoritatively at a fearsome angle. His left arm is not shielding his torso, but steadying it so that he may give his opponent some good punishment. His expression is reminiscent of that of a fierce Nordic warrior. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that cudgel!

Practice this technique at home first, then try it on the playing-field. I promise you will get vastly improved results! You'll thank me for it later!