adBlockCheck

Recent News

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

The Proper Way To Club A Man

The spring-time sporting season will soon be upon us, and many through-out our Republic will be engaged in spirited matches of base-ball, foot-racing, tug-of-war, hoop-the-ball, and ring-around-the-goose. As you know, many of these games involve the clubbing of the opponent. And, each year, there is no end to my disgust over the ineptness with which most people wield a club, whether it be a billy-club, indian-club or Irish shillelagh. So here is a brief and handy treatise, which you may sever from this news-paper and carry in your pocket-book, on the proper way to cudgel a man. My son V. Lucius demonstrates in the accompanying lithographs.

The first lithograph shows the improper technique. Why, you couldn't hurt your grand-mother in this position! Notice how mousy and tentative V. Lucius' stance is, his shoulders stooped and his left arm crooked in a defensive position. It looks as though he is cringing from the very opponent he must strike! Worst of all, the club is perpendicular to the ground, which means he has very little power behind it. At best, he might achieve a glancing blow off his opponent's cranium and scarcely do any lasting damage. This is the method I see all the time upon the playing-gridiron, and it is a disgrace to the art of sports-manship.

The second lithograph, as you have guessed, shows the proper stance. Look how much better it is! V. Lucius is facing his opponent, raising the club authoritatively at a fearsome angle. His left arm is not shielding his torso, but steadying it so that he may give his opponent some good punishment. His expression is reminiscent of that of a fierce Nordic warrior. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that cudgel!

Practice this technique at home first, then try it on the playing-field. I promise you will get vastly improved results! You'll thank me for it later!

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings