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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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The Proper Way To Club A Man

The spring-time sporting season will soon be upon us, and many through-out our Republic will be engaged in spirited matches of base-ball, foot-racing, tug-of-war, hoop-the-ball, and ring-around-the-goose. As you know, many of these games involve the clubbing of the opponent. And, each year, there is no end to my disgust over the ineptness with which most people wield a club, whether it be a billy-club, indian-club or Irish shillelagh. So here is a brief and handy treatise, which you may sever from this news-paper and carry in your pocket-book, on the proper way to cudgel a man. My son V. Lucius demonstrates in the accompanying lithographs.

The first lithograph shows the improper technique. Why, you couldn't hurt your grand-mother in this position! Notice how mousy and tentative V. Lucius' stance is, his shoulders stooped and his left arm crooked in a defensive position. It looks as though he is cringing from the very opponent he must strike! Worst of all, the club is perpendicular to the ground, which means he has very little power behind it. At best, he might achieve a glancing blow off his opponent's cranium and scarcely do any lasting damage. This is the method I see all the time upon the playing-gridiron, and it is a disgrace to the art of sports-manship.

The second lithograph, as you have guessed, shows the proper stance. Look how much better it is! V. Lucius is facing his opponent, raising the club authoritatively at a fearsome angle. His left arm is not shielding his torso, but steadying it so that he may give his opponent some good punishment. His expression is reminiscent of that of a fierce Nordic warrior. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that cudgel!

Practice this technique at home first, then try it on the playing-field. I promise you will get vastly improved results! You'll thank me for it later!

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