The Scourge Of Onanism, And Its Contribution To The Dementia Of Youth

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Vol 32 Issue 06

Geopolitical Balance Of Power Somehow Unaffected By Death Of Princess

LONDON—In a development that has baffled experts, the geopolitical balance of power has been strangely unaffected by the death of Princess Diana, considered by many to be the world's most important person. According to reports, there have been no measurable changes in treaty alignments, trade agreements, defense budgets, poverty levels, international tariffs, taxation proposals, human-rights measures, world fiscal policy, education programs, deficit reduction, literacy rates, distribution of power, birth rates, public irrigation, disease research, pollution levels, distribution of wealth or any other major global trends since her death on Aug. 31. "I don't get it," said Oxford University professor Sir Jeremy Eton-Shropshire. "This is clearly one of the biggest news events of the century, yet it's almost as if the death of Diana is an event of no demonstrable significance."

Independent-Film Festival Crushed By Paramount Troops

AUSTIN, TX—Six independent film producers and over 100 art-house patrons are dead following a hostile invasion of the 23rd annual Austin Film Festival by a squadron of Paramount Pictures troops Monday. "The movie industry has been liberated for all of blockbusterdom," said Sgt. Roy McCue of Paramount's 53rd Armored Division, announcing the raid. "The moviegoing public is finally safe from the independent filmmakers who are incapable of giving them the big-budget, computer-animated spectaculars they crave. No longer will confused, victimized movie lovers pay $6.50 to see films like In The Company Of Men, when films with budgets 25 times bigger, like Con Air, can be seen for the same price."

Area Gambler Likes Those Odds

RENO, NV—Area gambler Steve Ehrlich, in an official statement to his lucky dice at a Caesar's Palace craps table Monday, announced that he "likes those odds." Ehrlich, who has lost over $40,000 gambling in the past year, plans to regain the sum several times over in the next few hours via a "can't-miss" combination of lady luck and "that old Ehrlich magic." "My lucky stars are shining tonight," he said. "By this time tomorrow, my double mortgage will be paid off in full, and I'll be rolling in the do-re-mi, baby."

Amtrak Passengers Treated To Whirlwind Tour of Poor People's Yards

CHICAGO—Amtrak passengers traveling on the "Heartland Express" through Illinois were treated to a special sight Monday: mile after mile of yards belonging to low-income Americans. "I was happy enough to be going to Chicago," said commuter Janice Beasley, "but to see all those rusted-out swingsets and sagging porches was just the perfect bonus." Amtrak boasted that all their lines offer such views.

Grecian Formula Falls Into Non-Grecian Hands

SOLDOMAYA, GRECIA—In a daring midnight raid Tuesday, an unidentified band of foreign spies broke into a secret government hair-care lab and stole the closely guarded Grecian Formula, badly compromising Grecian national security and drastically shifting the global balance of dark, youthful-looking hair. "This is a terrible blow to our nation," said Grecian deputy foreign minister Alzun Teoderic, 67, sporting a lustrous, chestnut-brown mane of hair. "Our enemies can now look 10, even 20 years younger." It is believed to be the most serious international cosmetics incident since 1978, when Estée Lauder secretly drained millions of gallons of oil reserves from the Republic of Olay.

I Look Back On My Boxing Career With Greebert

Back in the '70s, I was the best damn bantamweight in Philadelphia. No one would stand up and say anything different because they know they'd be the fool. I beat them all. I downed Kid Dupree with my famous right hook in the third round. I knocked out Texas Tall four times in my career, even though he had nine inches on me. My secret? I was a beenobing, and I fought like a beenobing.

Cheese Doodles Give Me Gas

I just had the new Wampler Longacre turkey franks, and I've got one thing to say: Those new franks are tremendous.... You look up "class" in the dictionary, you get a picture of Jack Scalia.... There is nothing more painful than the loss of a loved one....

Zweibel 'N' The Kids

Yesterday, my great-great-great grand-niece burst into my bed-chamber with her two young brats in tow. "Uncle Zweibel," asked Ludmilla, "can you watch the kids while I go shopping?" The very idea was the height of absurdity, but Ludmilla noted that it was the nanny's day off, and that I had ordered the rest of the servants to witness the flogging of the chauffeur. Consequently, there was no-one to watch the children. "Why not that damned ro-bot nurse of mine?" I said. But Mr. Tin, who happened to be in the room, said that it was not programmed to attend to tots.

Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

In the wake of Princess Diana's death while speeding from photographers, many are calling for anti-stalking laws that protect celebrities from paparazzi. What do you think?

Japanese Leaders Say Radioactive Waste May Have Contributed To Creation Of Giant Monsters

TOKYO—Japanese prime minister Ryutaro Hashimoto announced Tuesday that radioactive waste recently discovered in Japan's Nihon prefecture may have contributed to the development of kaiju—translated as "strange, mysterious beast-animal supernatural giant warrior-monsters"—whose many battles have wreaked havoc throughout the Western world and Japan since the late 1950s.
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The Scourge Of Onanism, And Its Contribution To The Dementia Of Youth

To-day's Sermon concerns the Youth of our Parish, who as I speak are committing Perverted Acts of the Veriest Onanism; that is, the Manipulation and Touching of Bodily Organs God creat'd for the Enabling of the Propagation of Man, for the sole Purpose of Luxurious Pleasurement and Gratification of the Self.

This Infamous Sin has occupi'd the Fore Front of my Mind constantly, not only for its sick-making Depravity, but because of the Sloth and Idleness of its Practitioners. Many a Time, as I have left the Rectory to take my daily Stroll across the Green, have I spi'd Boys who were neglecting the Geese Tending and the Pig Shaving, instead furtively devouring Johnny-Cakes and lurking about with Sullen Countenances. Once I point'd my Walking Staff at their Direction, and demand'd to know why they were not honoring the Stipulations of their Apprenticeships. Their Response was that their Master has permitt'd them Leave to consume their Noon Day Repast, with the Promise to return to their Labors at the Hamburger Dispensary, or to whichever Trade to which they are Indentur'd.

"Fie, fie," I scold'd, "you are contemplating the filthy Practice of Onanism."

"Pray, eminent Sir," they answer'd, "we are only partaking of Nourishment." But the Tell-Tale Stains upon their Breeches and Pantaloons are Evidence enough of their unspeakable Skullduggery; and when I brought this to their Attention they burst into Tearful Supplications and with extreme Anguish begg'd for my Mercy and Forgiveness.

"It is not my Forgiveness that you should seek, ignorant, wicked Boys," I admonish'd them, "but that of the Blessed Creator who doth reign in Almighty Heaven above."

For did not God our Father intend His Children to follow the Path of Righteousness which is anoint'd in the Blood of the Lamb? And that this very Path can only be tread if the Pilgrim leads a Life of Temperance and Industry, and faithfully observes the Sabbath, and does not engage in the debauched Fondling of his own Endowments? Of all Mortal Sins, Onanism is the most base; I daresay that it is Worse than a Coupling with the wicked Whore of Babylon Herself.

Another piteous Result of Onanism is the Dementia that it induces. The Work Houses and Asylums of our very Parish are crowd'd with those whose Madness was directly caus'd by this Practice. Onanism besets its Practitioner with Fever, and a gruesome Pox upon his Cod Piece, and keeps him abed with fearful Reveries that sprang from the Head of the Devil himself. Soon the Victim cannot stir himself from his Lice-ridden Cot, and shivers with Apoplexy, his Mind fill'd with Torrid Visions of Tempestuous Ladies, very often Lady Actresses of the Photo Plays.

But the Whole of the Parish has suffered from the Perverse Effects of Onanism. Several Paces from the very Doors of the Rectory rests an Enormous Stack of Card Board Boxes about Twenty Hands high, which have not moved from their Location behind the Green Grocer's Establishment for nearly a Fort Night, because the Citizens of the Town are lolling about Prostrate behind their Shutter'd Windows, discharging their unspeakable Ichors and Humours.

Instead, the Boxes lie there, neglect'd and besieg'd by Weevils and other lowly Vermin. Out in the Dell not far from the Town Walls, the Oats have neither been reap'd nor stor'd in the Granary, and the Cows are in the Corn. The obvious Explanation for such wasteful Indolence is Onanism.

At the Parsonage, where I dwell with the Good Woman Hustings and our eight Offspring, I have impos'd strict Rules which prevent the Committing of Onanism. All Family Members must never be seen with Idle Hands; they must keep continuously Busy and Industrious, whether engaging in the Embroidery of Bible Verses, keeping the Hearth swept clean of Ashes, or carding the Wool. When retiring to Bed for nightly Slumber, Hands are to be kept outside of the Bed Cloths, even during the wintry Months. Limbs and other noticeable Appendages are to be kept covered under shapeless Woolen Garments and Hair Shirts, and during Family Prayers, Eyes are to be kept modestly Down Ward and must never stray, lest Thoughts be carried to Subjects other than the Contemplation of the Lord's divine Grace.

My Rules have worked; my Children range in Age from Thirty-Six to Fifty-Two Years Old, and have never been Married, instead piously serving the Lord Our God and taking Care to always be within Sight of the Church Steeple.

In this the solemn Season of the Michaelmas, I implore the Congregation to join with me in the Banning and Excisement of the loathsome Past Time of Onanism from our Parish, and to pray continuously for our Salvation, in the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen.

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