The Story of Romeo and Juliet Is Not A Very Good Love Story

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Vol 30 Issue 13

Total Hunk Sitting Over By Plant

SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to several female shoppers at Woodfield Mall, a total hunk was sitting by a plant near the Wok 'n' Roll booth Friday. "He's so cute," said Melanie Ford, 22. The hunk was reportedly wearing a gray cardigan sweater and had "strong-looking hands." "I'm, like, imagining what it would be like to ride in his car," Ford's friend, Jessica Loew, said. A One Potato Two official could not verify the report, as the manager had left strict instructions that the register was not to be left unattended.

Local Dullard Opts For Vocational School

MILFORD, MD—In an attempt to earn more than $5.50 per hour, Alice Stellsen, a local dullard and mother of two, will attend Maryland Tech School this fall. "I was thinking of going into cosmetology or maybe data entry," she said Saturday. Both vocations, according to Stellsen, are nonspecific skills that anyone with a high-school education could learn to do, and therefore require no special talent or aptitude. "I am not special," she said. "Anyone could be taught these skills."

Jesus Christ Believed In

ELKHART, IN—According to reports, legendary Biblical figure Jesus Christ is believed in by area resident Milton Grelskum. Grelskum, a 37-year-old machine tool operator, admits to believing that Christ is the son of Yahweh, the Hebrew God, and that Christ's crucifixion has paved the way for Grelskum to receive an eternity of peace after death. "I believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the light," Grelskum said Monday. He added that he has a "personal relationship" with Jesus, which involves conversations with the Nazarene in his mind. "I love Jesus," Grelskum said. Grelskum's friends and neighbors are jealous of Grelskum's friendship. Said co-worker Tim Judd: "The most important person I communicate with in my mind is Emperor Charlemagne, and he hasn't promised me jack squat in the afterlife."

Frito-Lay Targets Blacks With New Menthol Doritos

DALLAS—The Frito-Lay Corporation is making a strong play for the lucrative African-American market with "Doritos Dark and Smooths," a new menthol-flavored snack chip product. The tortilla chips will be liquefied and sold in 40-ounce containers. "New Menthol Doritos... works every time," pitchman Billy Dee Williams said in his trademark sexy voice at a press conference Monday. Frito-Lay will be test-marketing the product on Chicago's South Side this month with the slogan, "New Doritos Dark and Smooths... So Dark... So Smooth."

Retro-Crazed Youths Re-Elect Carter

WASHINGTON, DC—A massive turnout of '70s-obsessed youths is being blamed for Jimmy Carter's surprise victory in Tuesday's presidential election. According to election officials, polling places were overrun with millions of 18- to 23-year-olds wearing Charlie's Angels T-shirts and carrying Scooby Doo lunchboxes. "The '70s were so cool," said Michelle Poole, 19, a barrette-wearing, Fisher Price toy-collecting Carter supporter. "It's like, that old-school Carter Administration shit rocked." According to Carter spokesman Edward Rowell, "President-Elect Carter will do his best to serve the mandate of '70s retro culture. He will boycott the Olympic Games, try to create another energy crisis and appoint many well-known '70s TV personalities, including Fred Berry and Gabe Kaplan, to top Cabinet posts."

I Need A Buck-Fifty To Get To Detroit

Hey, how you all doin' this evening? Say, I gotta ask you something. You got a second? Come over here. Come on over, I ain't gonna hurt you. Okay, I'll come over there.

Clinton: Part 2

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?
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The Story of Romeo and Juliet Is Not A Very Good Love Story

It is at this time of the year that many a young man's thoughts turn to love and wooing the fairer sex. And, I ask you, what better place to take your lady friend on a first date than to take them to the pictures? Ah, the magical moving pictures on the silver screen! There have been many occasions where a young suitor took a dame to the bijou and was rewarded with a smooch on the cheek, I am told. And so it was in my day, when romance was not just a word!

When I decided to marry my wife, Toots, I first went to ask her father, "May I get hitched with your daughter?" and he told me to get on the next bus out of town but I did not listen to him and Toots and I got married anyway, because I raised a ladder to her window and we snuck off into the night to be married.

Today, young lovers get married at the drop of a hat, and often engage in the intercourse of sex before the ink is even dry on their marriage certificate! Many people blame the movies for this problem, and to them I say, "You are right!" Because there is far too much sexiness in the films of today.

That is why I am voting for that fellow with the fine suit for president, if I can find my voting place to cast my ballot. So, don't forget to vote! In our country, America, every vote is counted as one vote! As the popular commercial says, "Just vote!"

The Story of Romeo and Juliet was a very bad movie because it was so loud and sexy. My God, I thought I would meet the reaper when I saw that film, because the things moved so fast I was scared, and my head hurt because there was too much music and everything was exploding except for the people in the film and the trees in the film and some of the cars in the film that didn't explode.

Much of the "music" was not music at all, and that is why I used quote marks when I wrote music, because it is not music at all, but that is what people call it!

My mail has not been coming on time lately. I can remember back when I was living in Goshen, the mail would arrive before I was even awake in the morning, and I could wake up and greet the day with a cup of joe and a stack of pancakes and a sack of mail to read, and I would read some of it on the toilet, too. But now my mail-man seems to think that he can take his time and deliver the mail late in the day, during The Price is Right. One woman won a car but she did not deserve it because in my opinion, the ball did not go in the right slot. The good old days!

The movie I went to see to review this month was called The Adventures of Romeo and Juliet, and it had the same name as a play that people used to read before the Nazi times. I never read the play, though, so I do not know anything about it. But it has been said that Romeo and Juliet's Story is a good love story, and I may be long in the tooth, but I am in the mood for love!

So I went to see the movie, even though I had to pay for it myself. The movies today cost so much that you should spend your money on a davenport because it would be cheaper to sit on a new blue davenport than to go to the movies.

Romeo and Juliet are two young people, but I did not understand what anyone was saying in the movie because they were all talking with the "slang" language of youth that I have read so much about in my periodicals.

I did not understand what anyone was saying, and the sights were so loud that I put my hands over my ears and then I closed my eyes because there were too many colors and my noggin hurt, and I had no pills. Toots (my wife of 43 years) used up all the pills because she dropped a can of peaches on her ankle, and now she doesn't walk too good.

At the end of the movie, there were two characters, and I think they were the characters named Romeo and Juliet but I am not sure because everyone was talking in circles. It was written in a sloppy fashion. Today's movie makers do not even know how to write a sentence correctly so that people can understand the sentence they wrote good.

But they went to church and the boy drank some poison and the girl shot herself in the church! And that is no way to end a love story, because now they are both dead, and can love no more. And this is the time of the year for love. The boy should have put a ladder up to the window of the young girl and taken her off into the night. But he should have purchased a bouquet of flowers, first, because that is the gentlemanly thing to do.

Perhaps one day I will write to Hollywood and tell them how to write a real romance that will curl your socks. But I cannot do that today because I need to put a sign on my lawn to warn the dogs to stay off my lawn.

In conclusion, The Story of Romeo and Juliet was not a very good movie, and I hope the mail-man starts delivering my coupons earlier so I can go about the business of my day's work because I have two coupons for fudge, and if I get only one more coupon for fudge they will give me a free piece of fudge.

Next month, I will once again decide the fate of a movie. It is not always easy sending directors and stars to the poor house, but people need to know if a movie is bad or good. Maybe I will write to the post office about that mail-man and tell them to talk to him about his tardiness. The good old days!

Well, until next time, I'll see you on the romantic Silver Screen.

Mr. Danielson's column has been reprinted with permission of The Butternut Gazette in Butternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.

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