The Story of Romeo and Juliet Is Not A Very Good Love Story

Top Headlines


Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



The Story of Romeo and Juliet Is Not A Very Good Love Story

It is at this time of the year that many a young man's thoughts turn to love and wooing the fairer sex. And, I ask you, what better place to take your lady friend on a first date than to take them to the pictures? Ah, the magical moving pictures on the silver screen! There have been many occasions where a young suitor took a dame to the bijou and was rewarded with a smooch on the cheek, I am told. And so it was in my day, when romance was not just a word!

When I decided to marry my wife, Toots, I first went to ask her father, "May I get hitched with your daughter?" and he told me to get on the next bus out of town but I did not listen to him and Toots and I got married anyway, because I raised a ladder to her window and we snuck off into the night to be married.

Today, young lovers get married at the drop of a hat, and often engage in the intercourse of sex before the ink is even dry on their marriage certificate! Many people blame the movies for this problem, and to them I say, "You are right!" Because there is far too much sexiness in the films of today.

That is why I am voting for that fellow with the fine suit for president, if I can find my voting place to cast my ballot. So, don't forget to vote! In our country, America, every vote is counted as one vote! As the popular commercial says, "Just vote!"

The Story of Romeo and Juliet was a very bad movie because it was so loud and sexy. My God, I thought I would meet the reaper when I saw that film, because the things moved so fast I was scared, and my head hurt because there was too much music and everything was exploding except for the people in the film and the trees in the film and some of the cars in the film that didn't explode.

Much of the "music" was not music at all, and that is why I used quote marks when I wrote music, because it is not music at all, but that is what people call it!

My mail has not been coming on time lately. I can remember back when I was living in Goshen, the mail would arrive before I was even awake in the morning, and I could wake up and greet the day with a cup of joe and a stack of pancakes and a sack of mail to read, and I would read some of it on the toilet, too. But now my mail-man seems to think that he can take his time and deliver the mail late in the day, during The Price is Right. One woman won a car but she did not deserve it because in my opinion, the ball did not go in the right slot. The good old days!

The movie I went to see to review this month was called The Adventures of Romeo and Juliet, and it had the same name as a play that people used to read before the Nazi times. I never read the play, though, so I do not know anything about it. But it has been said that Romeo and Juliet's Story is a good love story, and I may be long in the tooth, but I am in the mood for love!

So I went to see the movie, even though I had to pay for it myself. The movies today cost so much that you should spend your money on a davenport because it would be cheaper to sit on a new blue davenport than to go to the movies.

Romeo and Juliet are two young people, but I did not understand what anyone was saying in the movie because they were all talking with the "slang" language of youth that I have read so much about in my periodicals.

I did not understand what anyone was saying, and the sights were so loud that I put my hands over my ears and then I closed my eyes because there were too many colors and my noggin hurt, and I had no pills. Toots (my wife of 43 years) used up all the pills because she dropped a can of peaches on her ankle, and now she doesn't walk too good.

At the end of the movie, there were two characters, and I think they were the characters named Romeo and Juliet but I am not sure because everyone was talking in circles. It was written in a sloppy fashion. Today's movie makers do not even know how to write a sentence correctly so that people can understand the sentence they wrote good.

But they went to church and the boy drank some poison and the girl shot herself in the church! And that is no way to end a love story, because now they are both dead, and can love no more. And this is the time of the year for love. The boy should have put a ladder up to the window of the young girl and taken her off into the night. But he should have purchased a bouquet of flowers, first, because that is the gentlemanly thing to do.

Perhaps one day I will write to Hollywood and tell them how to write a real romance that will curl your socks. But I cannot do that today because I need to put a sign on my lawn to warn the dogs to stay off my lawn.

In conclusion, The Story of Romeo and Juliet was not a very good movie, and I hope the mail-man starts delivering my coupons earlier so I can go about the business of my day's work because I have two coupons for fudge, and if I get only one more coupon for fudge they will give me a free piece of fudge.

Next month, I will once again decide the fate of a movie. It is not always easy sending directors and stars to the poor house, but people need to know if a movie is bad or good. Maybe I will write to the post office about that mail-man and tell them to talk to him about his tardiness. The good old days!

Well, until next time, I'll see you on the romantic Silver Screen.

Mr. Danielson's column has been reprinted with permission of The Butternut Gazette in Butternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close