adBlockCheck

The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed With The Blood Of Air Show Pilots

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed With The Blood Of Air Show Pilots

For more than two centuries, the United States of America has stood as a shining beacon to people the world over. Immigrants flock to our nation's shores to drink from the cup of liberty and partake of our bounteous freedoms. But, as the saying goes, freedom isn't free. These privileges we hold so dear are not simply granted to us; they must be diligently maintained by each successive generation. Which is why, from time to time, the great tree of liberty must be refreshed with the nourishing, crimson blood of air show pilots.

My friends, it is the price that must be paid for our American way of life.

You see, democracy is more than just a great idea. It is a living, breathing system that must be actively preserved to ensure it remains not only functional but vital. After all, no one ever said this great experiment we call America was going to be easy. No, sir! Preserving our country requires discipline. It requires a brave few sacrificing for the many. And, twice a year or so, it requires the engine of a Grumman F8F Bearcat to stall in mid-loop-the-loop, causing said plane to corkscrew wildly through the warm July air before finally smacking into a crowded county fairground in a maelstrom of fire and air-show-pilot blood.

For those who say this cost of freedom is simply "too high," well, sorry, but to be part of a democracy—a real democracy—one must accept the fact that safeguarding life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness can be a messy task. The wheels of history are merciless and cannot be deterred, and therefore must be greased with the thick, viscous blood of classic aviation enthusiasts. So, if that means that, periodically, a panicked air show pilot or two must pull up on his stick in vain after a piece of rudder shakes loose from a beautiful old 1950s T-28 Trojan and scream for mercy before eventually crashing in a billowing fireball that a horrified crowd can feel from a half-mile away, then so be it. We must accept that our republic depends upon such acts.

We must also watch, and re-watch, these gestures of selfless patriotism on YouTube.

If you don't agree with me, simply pick up a history book. Our Founding Fathers, those great geniuses of revolutionary America, knew the system of government they devised would not be a passive one. That's why they, more than anyone, saw the crucial importance of a man in a vintage Red Baron outfit suddenly becoming disoriented, losing control of his replica WWI tri-plane, and slamming it into a food truck as hundreds on the ground frantically capture the event on their cell phone cameras.

They also knew, seemingly in their very bones, that an F-16 fighter jet pilot in tight formation jumping his cue, bumping into his wing mate, and causing both planes to trail red and blue smoke as they spin toward the runway of the Tampa Air Show in a nauseatingly balletic display of mechanized carnage was not only inevitable, but a democratic imperative. And who are we to argue with the logic of Franklin, Jefferson, and Adams?

Obviously, I realize this essential truth is upsetting to some, but I think we would all be wise to accept that we live in a world based upon certain core realities: People make mistakes; human nature is imperfect; decommissioned P-47 Thunderbolts experience engine failure during choreographed dogfight routines and plunge into helpless crowds of Midwestern families. It's the way of the world. All we can do is remember the sacrifices made by those terrified trick pilots frantically trying to eject themselves from the cockpits of their antique Spitfires, and be thankful they are out there, ready to lose consciousness as they plow into an entire troop of running, screaming Boy Scouts on a day trip from Albuquerque. It is they who keep the roots of this great tree of liberty strong.

God bless our fallen air show pilots and God bless America.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close