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The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

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Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

Item! X-Files star Ann Gillian is now X-Wife Ann Gillian. According to one of my better inside sources, the deadly agent with a license to thrill was taking too many risks for her husband's liking. So, he packed the china, and it was adios! Can you believe some guy would walk out on America's sexiest CIA agent? Somebody ought to check his pulse! Anyway, if you're reading this column, Ann, I'm still free this Saturday night!

As people are fond of saying lately, "Where's the money?" Well, it's probably in Jim Carrey's pocket! I won't reveal my source, but I recently read that he was paid over a million dollars for The Cable Guy. Don't you think it's about time we started paying these movie stars a little less and started paying our school teachers a little more? With my nationally syndicated column, I am an entertainer of sorts, but I certainly don't make the big money. Do I want to? Not really. A bit of a raise might be nice, but my job is made all the better when I receive a card from a fan. That really makes all the difference in the world to me.

Item! There's a lot of hullabaloo about the Best Picture Nominees, but I've only heard of three of them: Jerry Magwire, The English Man, and That Movie About Minnesota With That Guy From ER. If anyone has access to the complete list, I'd appreciate a peek at it. I would have caught it on the news, but my darn TV went out. Second time in two months. I must be cursed!

Is that Lola Falana one dynamite singer, or what? Talk about pipes!

Item! Michael Jackson just had his baby—and they didn't know whether he was the mother or the father! Now, you know I'm only joking. I saw a comedian use that line the other night at Zanies Komedy Klub, so I thought I'd pass it along. Really, though, Michael Jackson had a baby, and it was a boy, and there's nothing really funny about that. Congratulations to you, Mr. Jackson, and also to your substantially less glamorous than Lisa Marie Presley wife, whatever her name is.

Hmm... Jacko had a baby. Madonna had a baby. Could this be a sign that Jackie Harvey's biological clock is ticking? I'll keep you updated!

My editor wants me to cut down on all the Harry Hamlin gossip. He's cutting the checks, so I suppose he gets to call the shots. Jealousy, maybe?

Item! Liz Taylor, who's had more husbands than I've had dates, is getting operated on soon. Apparently, she's having a piece of shrapnel removed from her head. How did it get there? It's an interesting story. While she was doing a USO tour of Viet-Nam, a grenade went off and caught her right above the temple. That didn't stop her, though, from coming to the aid of half a dozen wounded GIs before calling for medical attention. She's a trooper, that Liz, and she could really use our prayers in the coming weeks.

For those of you who were holding your breath waiting for the answer to last week's Outside Scoop Trivia Contest, wait no more. The answer was none other than Lee Majors, and one Rick Lew of Fayetteville, AR, walks away with a dinner for two at Shoney's. We're still waiting for a sponsor for our next contest, so keep reading this spot for more information.

Well, that's all for now. Tune in next time, when Jackie Harvey brings you lots more of the Outside Scoop!

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