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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

Item! X-Files star Ann Gillian is now X-Wife Ann Gillian. According to one of my better inside sources, the deadly agent with a license to thrill was taking too many risks for her husband's liking. So, he packed the china, and it was adios! Can you believe some guy would walk out on America's sexiest CIA agent? Somebody ought to check his pulse! Anyway, if you're reading this column, Ann, I'm still free this Saturday night!

As people are fond of saying lately, "Where's the money?" Well, it's probably in Jim Carrey's pocket! I won't reveal my source, but I recently read that he was paid over a million dollars for The Cable Guy. Don't you think it's about time we started paying these movie stars a little less and started paying our school teachers a little more? With my nationally syndicated column, I am an entertainer of sorts, but I certainly don't make the big money. Do I want to? Not really. A bit of a raise might be nice, but my job is made all the better when I receive a card from a fan. That really makes all the difference in the world to me.

Item! There's a lot of hullabaloo about the Best Picture Nominees, but I've only heard of three of them: Jerry Magwire, The English Man, and That Movie About Minnesota With That Guy From ER. If anyone has access to the complete list, I'd appreciate a peek at it. I would have caught it on the news, but my darn TV went out. Second time in two months. I must be cursed!

Is that Lola Falana one dynamite singer, or what? Talk about pipes!

Item! Michael Jackson just had his baby—and they didn't know whether he was the mother or the father! Now, you know I'm only joking. I saw a comedian use that line the other night at Zanies Komedy Klub, so I thought I'd pass it along. Really, though, Michael Jackson had a baby, and it was a boy, and there's nothing really funny about that. Congratulations to you, Mr. Jackson, and also to your substantially less glamorous than Lisa Marie Presley wife, whatever her name is.

Hmm... Jacko had a baby. Madonna had a baby. Could this be a sign that Jackie Harvey's biological clock is ticking? I'll keep you updated!

My editor wants me to cut down on all the Harry Hamlin gossip. He's cutting the checks, so I suppose he gets to call the shots. Jealousy, maybe?

Item! Liz Taylor, who's had more husbands than I've had dates, is getting operated on soon. Apparently, she's having a piece of shrapnel removed from her head. How did it get there? It's an interesting story. While she was doing a USO tour of Viet-Nam, a grenade went off and caught her right above the temple. That didn't stop her, though, from coming to the aid of half a dozen wounded GIs before calling for medical attention. She's a trooper, that Liz, and she could really use our prayers in the coming weeks.

For those of you who were holding your breath waiting for the answer to last week's Outside Scoop Trivia Contest, wait no more. The answer was none other than Lee Majors, and one Rick Lew of Fayetteville, AR, walks away with a dinner for two at Shoney's. We're still waiting for a sponsor for our next contest, so keep reading this spot for more information.

Well, that's all for now. Tune in next time, when Jackie Harvey brings you lots more of the Outside Scoop!

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