adBlockCheck

The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

Item! X-Files star Ann Gillian is now X-Wife Ann Gillian. According to one of my better inside sources, the deadly agent with a license to thrill was taking too many risks for her husband's liking. So, he packed the china, and it was adios! Can you believe some guy would walk out on America's sexiest CIA agent? Somebody ought to check his pulse! Anyway, if you're reading this column, Ann, I'm still free this Saturday night!

As people are fond of saying lately, "Where's the money?" Well, it's probably in Jim Carrey's pocket! I won't reveal my source, but I recently read that he was paid over a million dollars for The Cable Guy. Don't you think it's about time we started paying these movie stars a little less and started paying our school teachers a little more? With my nationally syndicated column, I am an entertainer of sorts, but I certainly don't make the big money. Do I want to? Not really. A bit of a raise might be nice, but my job is made all the better when I receive a card from a fan. That really makes all the difference in the world to me.

Item! There's a lot of hullabaloo about the Best Picture Nominees, but I've only heard of three of them: Jerry Magwire, The English Man, and That Movie About Minnesota With That Guy From ER. If anyone has access to the complete list, I'd appreciate a peek at it. I would have caught it on the news, but my darn TV went out. Second time in two months. I must be cursed!

Is that Lola Falana one dynamite singer, or what? Talk about pipes!

Item! Michael Jackson just had his baby—and they didn't know whether he was the mother or the father! Now, you know I'm only joking. I saw a comedian use that line the other night at Zanies Komedy Klub, so I thought I'd pass it along. Really, though, Michael Jackson had a baby, and it was a boy, and there's nothing really funny about that. Congratulations to you, Mr. Jackson, and also to your substantially less glamorous than Lisa Marie Presley wife, whatever her name is.

Hmm... Jacko had a baby. Madonna had a baby. Could this be a sign that Jackie Harvey's biological clock is ticking? I'll keep you updated!

My editor wants me to cut down on all the Harry Hamlin gossip. He's cutting the checks, so I suppose he gets to call the shots. Jealousy, maybe?

Item! Liz Taylor, who's had more husbands than I've had dates, is getting operated on soon. Apparently, she's having a piece of shrapnel removed from her head. How did it get there? It's an interesting story. While she was doing a USO tour of Viet-Nam, a grenade went off and caught her right above the temple. That didn't stop her, though, from coming to the aid of half a dozen wounded GIs before calling for medical attention. She's a trooper, that Liz, and she could really use our prayers in the coming weeks.

For those of you who were holding your breath waiting for the answer to last week's Outside Scoop Trivia Contest, wait no more. The answer was none other than Lee Majors, and one Rick Lew of Fayetteville, AR, walks away with a dinner for two at Shoney's. We're still waiting for a sponsor for our next contest, so keep reading this spot for more information.

Well, that's all for now. Tune in next time, when Jackie Harvey brings you lots more of the Outside Scoop!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close