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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

Item! X-Files star Ann Gillian is now X-Wife Ann Gillian. According to one of my better inside sources, the deadly agent with a license to thrill was taking too many risks for her husband's liking. So, he packed the china, and it was adios! Can you believe some guy would walk out on America's sexiest CIA agent? Somebody ought to check his pulse! Anyway, if you're reading this column, Ann, I'm still free this Saturday night!

As people are fond of saying lately, "Where's the money?" Well, it's probably in Jim Carrey's pocket! I won't reveal my source, but I recently read that he was paid over a million dollars for The Cable Guy. Don't you think it's about time we started paying these movie stars a little less and started paying our school teachers a little more? With my nationally syndicated column, I am an entertainer of sorts, but I certainly don't make the big money. Do I want to? Not really. A bit of a raise might be nice, but my job is made all the better when I receive a card from a fan. That really makes all the difference in the world to me.

Item! There's a lot of hullabaloo about the Best Picture Nominees, but I've only heard of three of them: Jerry Magwire, The English Man, and That Movie About Minnesota With That Guy From ER. If anyone has access to the complete list, I'd appreciate a peek at it. I would have caught it on the news, but my darn TV went out. Second time in two months. I must be cursed!

Is that Lola Falana one dynamite singer, or what? Talk about pipes!

Item! Michael Jackson just had his baby—and they didn't know whether he was the mother or the father! Now, you know I'm only joking. I saw a comedian use that line the other night at Zanies Komedy Klub, so I thought I'd pass it along. Really, though, Michael Jackson had a baby, and it was a boy, and there's nothing really funny about that. Congratulations to you, Mr. Jackson, and also to your substantially less glamorous than Lisa Marie Presley wife, whatever her name is.

Hmm... Jacko had a baby. Madonna had a baby. Could this be a sign that Jackie Harvey's biological clock is ticking? I'll keep you updated!

My editor wants me to cut down on all the Harry Hamlin gossip. He's cutting the checks, so I suppose he gets to call the shots. Jealousy, maybe?

Item! Liz Taylor, who's had more husbands than I've had dates, is getting operated on soon. Apparently, she's having a piece of shrapnel removed from her head. How did it get there? It's an interesting story. While she was doing a USO tour of Viet-Nam, a grenade went off and caught her right above the temple. That didn't stop her, though, from coming to the aid of half a dozen wounded GIs before calling for medical attention. She's a trooper, that Liz, and she could really use our prayers in the coming weeks.

For those of you who were holding your breath waiting for the answer to last week's Outside Scoop Trivia Contest, wait no more. The answer was none other than Lee Majors, and one Rick Lew of Fayetteville, AR, walks away with a dinner for two at Shoney's. We're still waiting for a sponsor for our next contest, so keep reading this spot for more information.

Well, that's all for now. Tune in next time, when Jackie Harvey brings you lots more of the Outside Scoop!

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