There Is No Restraining Order I Can't Beat, Stacy

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Vol 33 Issue 05

Nation’s Teen Drug Problem Ended By Rapping Cartoon Spokesbeast

WASHINGTON, DC—Anti-drug crusaders and concerned parents nationwide are expressing deep gratitude to Rico The Rad Rhino, a rapping cartoon spokesbeast who ended the nation's teen drug problem with a televised PSA Saturday. "When somebody passes some drugs my way, I'm playin' it cool and sayin', 'No way, José!'" Rico told America's youth in a 30-second spot that aired at 10 a.m. EST during NBC's Saved By The Bell. By that afternoon, the percentage of U.S. teenagers who described themselves as "periodic to regular" drug users fell from 47 to 0. "This whimsical costumed spokesbeast, with his backwards baseball cap and firm grasp of teen slang, has singlehandedly convinced America's youth that drugs are for major turkeys, or, in the case of dope, dopes," said Beth Healy, director of Project Say No, the nonprofit organization that produced the spot. "He has succeeded in sending the message that abstinence from illegal drugs is way awesome." Rico next plans to tour America's prisons on an anti-homicide campaign.

WKZN-TV Concludes Broadcast Day

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Amidst a pre-recorded "Star-Spangled Banner" and stock footage of wheat fields and soaring Blue Angels jets, Charlottesville CBS affiliate WKZN-TV concluded its broadcast day at 3:30 a.m EST Tuesday. WKZN, owned by Jefferson Broadcasting Corporation, is a subsidiary of Mediatronic Broadcasting Corporation. WKZN's transmitting facility is located at the station's studio at 3371 Blue Ridge Way. WKZN's transmitter has an output power of 200,000 watts. WKZN is an Equal Opportunity Employer and supports local charities. "Good night," wished everyone at WKZN.

Stupid Thing Won’t Work

RENO, NV—Despite the repeated efforts of Reno resident Ken Hartley, a stupid thing that cost $185 will not work as of press time Tuesday. "The stupid thing won't work," a visibly angered Hartley told reporters. "You're supposed to hit both buttons at once, and then a number lights up, and you turn the switch to the 'on' position," he said, "but all I keep getting is these two dashes instead of numbers." Hartley went on to state what a royal pain in the ass it was just to get the stupid thing out of the box; how mad he is that the thing doesn't even come with a warranty; and how annoying it was to call the 1-800 tech-support number included in the stupid thing's stupid booklet, only to get a useless pre-recorded message.

Begone, Hateful Puppetry!

Not long ago I described to you how I was forced by one of my loath-some descendants to "baby-sit" her rotten little off-spring. As you may recall, the miserable brats showed me something I had never before witnessed: They pushed a small black box into a large, metal box with a glass front, and, shortly thereafter, an image appeared upon the glass of a hideous yellow ostrich-monster. I was apoplectic with fright, terrified that the feathered leviathan would spring out at me and devour my aged bones!

Fanzine Marred By Grammatical Error

BERKELEY, CA—A rare grammatical error was discovered Monday in the latest issue of MangaMash, a fanzine devoted to hardcore Japanese speed-metal bands and Sanrio/Hello Kitty novelty kitsch products.

New Ted Nugent Cologne Tested On ‘Every Goddamn Animal We Could Find’

ALPENA, MI—Ted Nugent held a press conference Monday to unveil his new signature fragrance "Heartland," which the veteran rocker touted as the most extensively tested cologne in history. "We tested that sumbitch on ferrets, weasels, deer, elk, squirrels, bison, trout, crickets, gibbons, iguanas, donkeys, capybaras, koalas, hyenas, penguins, woodpeckers—every goddamn animal we could find," Nugent said. "And, just to be extra-certain it was safe for consumer use, we injected it into a kitten's bloodstream, sprayed it on otters with open wounds that we inflicted, and forced cows to drink it through their nose. We also squirted it in a duck's eyes. Then we ran out of cologne and just started punching the duck." The cologne, now available in stores, features an ivory bottle stopper and comes in a genuine tiger-skin pouch.

The Winter Olympics

The 18th Olympic Winter Games began this week, turning the world's attention to Nagano, Japan. What do you think about the arrival of this quadrennial athletic event?

Ghost Of Anne Frank: 'Quit Reading My Diary'

Shocked to learn that the diary containing her most intimate thoughts and feelings has been read by millions of people worldwide, the ghost of Anne Frank held a press conference Monday to tell the world to "stop reading my diary, and put it back where you found it right this second."
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There Is No Restraining Order I Can't Beat, Stacy

Stacy, my eternal and only one, you know that the bond of love we share has always protected me from your foolishness. When you told me we were through, I knew you said so out of fear of your own passion for me. When you told me to leave you alone, I knew you were only testing my loyalty, so I spent my days and nights following you. But Stacy, the restraining order you have filed against me under chapter 813.12 of the state criminal code (Harassment Restraining Orders And Injunctions) is beneath our dignity!

I know you're just testing me. You need to see if my love for you is indeed as hot and burning as yours is for me, so you're giving me obstacles to overcome, such as hiding the fact that you've moved to 2646 Fenton Drive, #2, and gotten an unlisted phone number, which I had no choice but to impersonate a police officer in order to obtain. I'm telling you, there's no restraining order I can't beat, Stacy. I'm yours, and we're fated to be together.

I know you didn't want to do it, Stacy. It was that smooth-talking young policeman who came to your old house at 42 Timberview Circle and convinced you that I was obsessed. He made it sound like it was wrong. He said you needed to be protected from me. I was only 16 yards away that night, hiding behind the shrubs to the left of your door, and he couldn't see me. But I heard you talking to him, and I heard him talking to your brother Kevin.

I'm sorry about Kevin. He shouldn't have said those things about us. He shouldn't have questioned our love. I can usually stand the words of others, but Kevin said you didn't love me, and I can't bear to hear such lies. Kevin likes hot, spicy chili. You can put a whole bottle of sleeping pills in hot, spicy chili. People will think it was suicide.

We can get through this, Stacy. The court order only lasts a maximum of two years, and can only be renewed if law-enforcement officers have reasonable grounds to believe I've engaged in, or, based upon my prior conduct, am likely to engage in any harassing behavior toward you. I have faith that the police will recognize our once-in-a-lifetime love despite your foolish denials. And, if they are blind to our love, I will still be with you even if it means being fined up to $1,000 or imprisoned up to nine months, or both.

The old Jacobsen couple are my friends now. I made a special trip to their church just to meet them. Under subparagraph (6m) of the criminal code, I can visit my friends whenever I want. The Jacobsens live at 2646 Fenton Drive, #4, right next door to you. Their living room wall is your bedroom wall. They gave me lemonade and talked to me about Jesus until I told them to be quiet, threw the lemonade on the floor, and put the empty lemonade glass up against the wall and my ear up against the glass to hear you. I thought about you and how love had found a way for me to be within 500 yards of you and your dwelling or workplace. I was as hard as iron.

Oh, Stacy, I didn't mean that! I was confused. Somehow, I must have confused this hard iron gun with my intense love for you. You see, the police didn't see fit to inform me of the provisions of statute 941.29 (Restriction On Firearm Possession And Surrender Of Handguns And Sporting Arms), and, to make the Jacobsens be quiet, I had to show them a gun. That was bad, because now the Jacobsens will tell the police, and the police will arrest me under Chapter 186.8 (Assault With A Deadly Weapon). But don't worry, Stacy: Someday, we'll be together, at last. Where I am going now, you'll follow someday. I love you. Goodbye.

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