There Is So Much Controversy These Days

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Vol 32 Issue 09

Shannon Tweed Named Head Of U.S. Task Force On Nudity & Aging

WASHINGTON, DC—Former Playboy playmate and veteran erotic straight-to-video actress Shannon Tweed was chosen by President Clinton Monday to head the newly created U.S. Task Force on Nudity & Aging. Calling Tweed the "grand old dame of the softcore, R-rated, made-for-cable film industry," Clinton said the oft-topless actress was "ideal for the position, bringing with her more than 20 years of nudity-related experience." The task force will examine the effects of aging on nudity-based careers and help develop new strategies for approaching both toplessness and full-frontal nudity for actresses over 40. Tweed will assume her new role later this month, following the completion of her latest film, Bare Evidence, which co-stars William Katt as a cop who goes undercover to find a killer who's stalking the strip joints of a major metropolitan city. The film will be available in both R-rated and unrated formats in video stores this fall.

Area Man Thanked For Playing

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Area resident Jeff Neary was warmly thanked by the Coca-Cola Corporation Monday for his participation in their "Coca-Cola Red Hot Summer Game." "Thanks for playing—try again," gushed the red plastic cap from a 20-ounce bottle of Coke purchased by Neary during his lunch hour. "That was very nice of Coca-Cola," Neary said. "I appreciated that, even though I didn't win, the beverage giant took the time to encourage me to try again." Neary has previously been thanked for shopping at Waldenbooks and flying United Airlines.

Monster Undeterred By Night-Light

MILTON, MA—A terrifying monster broke into a local boy's room Sunday night, brutally murdering and devouring the child despite the presence of a protective Mighty Morphin Power Rangers night-light. A forensics report revealed that the unidentified beast spent several minutes violently shaking Barry Dawes, 6, terrifying him to make him tastier through the release of adrenaline. He then tore off and ate the boy's limbs first, enjoying his screams until the very end. The light's manufacturer promised a full inquiry into the apparent failure of the product.

Transplanted New Yorker Disappointed With Local Bagel Scene

PORTLAND, OR—Greg Fox, a lifelong Brooklyn, NY, resident who recently moved to Portland, announced his great disappointment in the local bagel scene Monday. "There's no good bagels in this town," Fox said. "They're like bakery rolls with holes in the middle. And the selection's terrible, too: I went to five different bagel places this morning, and not one of them had pumpernickel." Fox said the only place to get real bagels is at B&B Bagels on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn.

Thousands Dead In Indonesia Again

JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Several days of relative calm in Indonesia came to an end Monday when a massive volcanic eruption buried most of Jakarta, killing thousands of Indonesians yet again. "I had a feeling we were due for another mass death," said Ende Palopo of Jakarta. "There hadn't been a disaster since Friday, when that train derailed, killing 513. And it had been well over a week since we last had an earthquake, typhoon or some other natural disaster that killed over 1,000." A public memorial service for the dead was held Tuesday, during which an unexpectedly large turnout caused hundreds to be trampled to death.

The Return Of Thalidomide

Thalidomide, banned for over three decades for causing birth defects in thousands of children whose mothers took it during pregnancy, has been reapproved by the FDA for the treatment of leprosy. What do you think?

I Went To See The Movie That Was Called The Up & Down Movie

Ah, the movies. Nothing is better than to go see the movies in the theater at the Bijou and buy a tasty popcorn treat and a soda water and a box of watercress sandwiches and a tin of chewing tobacco and all the candy you can eat for a nickel. Gone are the days when a man could relax and enjoy a lovely pig roast while taking in the latest feature at the Bijou movie theater where they show the movie pictures that you can see if you pay money to see them.

Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

Eddie McCarthy is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more than 350 newspapers nationwide.

New York Rising

With crime down and tourism up, New York is enjoying its greatest renaissance in decades. What are some of the factors in the city's rejuvenation?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

There Is So Much Controversy These Days

Have you read about all the controversy? I can barely keep my head on straight, what with all the controversy in this country nowadays. I mean, how are we supposed to live our lives when so many critical issues hang in the balance? Just thinking about the new season of Ellen sends my heart rate up to 100. Will she find a girlfriend? Will they kiss on the air? Will advertisers pull out?

As Americans, we are constantly faced with issues we must think about and discuss with friends and family, and, ultimately, make a decision as to where we stand. Often, the questions are difficult: Should we allow pornography on the Internet? Should U.S. Army and Marine officers be allowed to carry umbrellas? What rights do smokers have? Is there a limit to athletes' salaries? Has ABC's new ad campaign gone too far? And what about the recall of Fen/Phen? Is America turning its back on the nation's overweight?

It seems like every day there's a new, even more controversial controversy. Should we be handing out birth control in our nation's schools? Are airlines compromising safety standards to save money? Does the current TV ratings system really work? Are the country clubs in this nation deliberately excluding women and minorities? Does the new film In & Out go too far with its on-screen kiss between Tom Selleck and Kevin Kline? And what about this new DVD technology—is it a genuine technological advancement or merely a way for manufacturers to make more money? These are important things to think about.

I needed a moment of escape from all the controversy, so I turned on the television set last night and—wham!—there's more controversy! I thought the Whitewater scandal would have died out by now, but all of America is still burdened with the question, "Did our President act outside the law?"

I'll tell you, if there's a more controversial country than the United States, I'd like to see it.

The issue of the paparazzi has been on my mind for a number of years now, but lately it's completely taken over (for obvious reasons). Do celebrities have rights just like everybody else? Or do they give up some of those rights when they choose to become public figures? It's a difficult issue and, to be honest, even after reading a recent in-depth cover story on the subject in Newsweek, I'm still not sure where I stand.

Even here, in my supposedly peaceful hometown of Reedsburg, I can't escape from controversy. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about that proposed new public swimming pool. Sure, it's a community project, but would it really benefit anyone besides West Side residents? Could the people of Reedsburg's taxes be better spent, perhaps on a new downtown parking ramp or a new seniors' wing for the library? And what about the controversy over the new "no glass bottles in the park" ordinance? Where do I stand?

And as if the JonBenet Ramseys, Marv Alberts and Joe Camels of this world weren't enough, I've got the Greenbaums to worry about. With the amount Gabe and Sylvia fight, should they consider getting a divorce? How does the constant yelling affect their two young children? Will Bobby and Tracy Greenbaum grow up to become part of "today's troubled youth"?

And what about all the controversy right here in my own home? Do we need a new van or not? Should we remodel the den? Should Harry's porn tapes be banned from the house, or are they fine so long as they don't cut into our own intimate time? I've had enough of all this controversy. Give me some peace!

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