adBlockCheck

There Shall Be No Christmas This Year!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

There Shall Be No Christmas This Year!

The other day, my manservant Standish and my nurse were wheeling in the multitudes of penny postcards and other handwritten wishes of good tidings that flood into my estate at this time of year. I insist on being read each and every one, so that I may duly reward each well-wisher with a sackful of sugar beets from the Zweibel ancestral home in Prussia.

My nurse had opened one of the greetings and was about to read it when a look of surprise, then apprehension, came across her face. At first I thought she was having difficulty reading, semi-literate and thick-skulled as she is. Annoyed by her childish hesitation, I demanded she read me the contents or I would have her cast into a snowdrift. Pale and shaking a bit, she took a deep breath and slowly read, "T. Herman Zweibel, you are a senile old pelican!"

Aghast, I could not speak for a moment. My nurse showed me the card, and, sure enough, there were the words, written in large, bold letters and vulgarly flourished with exclamation points! I was livid. Who dared besmirch my honor with such base and unspeakable words? The card's envelope, however, did not bear a return address. The cowardly writer of this perfidy had assumed the mantle of anonymity to cloak his misdoings!

After intense inquiries, I still have not been able to learn the identity of the insolent whelp. Therefore, since no one will come forward with the truth, I have no choice but to pin the blame on every citizen of the United States. As punishment for your ill deed, I have no choice but to cancel Christmas. There shall be no Yule this year!

Take down your stockings and put away your Christmas ornaments. Pour the eggnog down the sewer and chop your trees into kindling. I will be sending armed agents to collect all the toys concealed in your closets and hope chests. No jumping jack for Johnny, no bolt of calico for Mary, no clay pipe for Grandpap, no orange for the baby. Not even the dog will get his soupbone this year. Christmas is canceled!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close