There's More To Appleton Than Our Acclaimed Escorts

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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There's More To Appleton Than Our Acclaimed Escorts

Have you thought about making Appleton, WI the destination for your next vacation, business meeting, or even place to live? It may not spring to mind right away, like Las Vegas or Sheboygan, but I certainly hope you'll consider us. We're not as big as Milwaukee, but we're a terrific community with a lot of heart and plenty of fun activities. Sure, you could stay just long enough to be serviced by one of our regionally renowned escorts, but we also encourage you to look around and enjoy all that our riverside city has to offer.

Did you know, for example, that the country's first ever hydroelectric facility was built right here in Appleton? That's correct, back in 1882. I bet you didn't even think that hydroelectric power was available back then, but it was, right here, and, interestingly enough, just around the corner from Appleton's very first escort service, which opened shortly after the Peshtigo Fire of 1871.

Sure, our escorts have won every major award and their reputation is unrivaled in the Fox River Valley, but there's only so much time you can spend with a prostitute before your hunger comes knocking. When it does, sample some of Appleton's culinary offerings. Whether it's a burger and Blizzard at the new Dairy Queen, or a steak sizzled to perfection at George's Steak House, dining out Appleton-style doesn't have to break the bank. Just remember to bring your appetite, although that won't be hard to do after getting your ashes hauled six ways to Sunday. And bring along your escort if you want. No one will make a peep.

You can come for the sex trade, but stay for the fall Apple Harvest Festival, where you can enjoy a hot cup of mulled cider and a hayride. If you go to one of our nighttime hayrides, you can stop and warm up by the campfire and join in a real sing-along. It's good old, down-home Badger State fun, and it's a perfect way to recharge your batteries until you go for your next paid romp with one of our seemingly tireless call girls.

It takes some time for the lady to arrive for an out-call, so why not stretch your legs? Visit nearby Lawrence University's picturesque campus. Or take your rented sweetie for a stroll by the river. No need to meet her at the hotel. You've got her for a three-hour minimum.

Of course you won't want to miss the plaza erected near the site of the boyhood home of Ehrich Weiss. What, you've never heard of him? Maybe you'd know him better as Harry Houdini, the greatest escape artist of the 20th century? That's right, he grew up right here—in Appleton! And if you manage to escape the lure of our beautiful ladies of the evening, pay a visit to his birthplace.

Appleton's rendezvous with history doesn't end there. Here, you'll also find the grave of one of our most notorious residents, Senator Joe McCarthy, whose name is synonymous with the Communist witch-hunt of the '50s. No matter what you think of the man, he certainly had an enormous impact, just like the venerable Sin-Dee's Modeling Agency, still going strong over on East Calumet!

It just doesn't get any better than this. Where else can you get fellated by an ebon-skinned nymphomaniac and enjoy the out-of-this-world sales at Old Fashioned Bargain Days all in the same afternoon?

If you want a special gift for the wife, stop on down to the gift shop at the Appleton Visitor's Center. We have plenty of T-shirts, bumper stickers, salt and pepper shakers, and even some of Wisconsin's famous cheese. Nothing covers up your high-priced indiscretion better than one of our famous Appleton pewter chess pieces for the mantel.

Whatever the season, Appleton has something for you. If you like boating, the Fox River is an ideal locale. If it's winter, wind down with some curling. Our nature walks are a great opportunity to see the fall colors. And the springtime is just great all around. There are so many reasons to make Appleton a destination, so by all means pay us a visit, with or without your family.

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