Everybody these days lays claim to having seen most celebrities naked. In fact, it's fair to say that more people have seen more other people naked now than at any other point in human history.
Temperamental actor Colin Farrell. Rap-metal frontman Fred Durst. The female cast of the movie franchise American Pie. And need I even bother to mention Paris Hilton? Chances are, if you've been paying any attention at all, you've seen each of them naked. We all have. But I'm here to tell you, right now, that when it comes to seeing people naked, I am the ultimate champion.
And I am talking serious nakedness.
Go ahead, try and stump me: TV's Martin Mull? Seen him naked. Grammy-winner Mike Post, composer of the theme to The Rockford Files? Nude at his piano. I've got extant mid-'70s hot-tub photos galore. You just have to know where to track them down.
See, everyone thinks all you have to do is go on the Internet to turn up the most exquisite, obscure nudity. But if you want to see photos of each member of the 1983 Green Bay Packers' offensive line in the buff, you have to go the extra mile. Sometimes it requires a little old-fashioned legwork. Other times it requires literally dozens of Freedom of Information Act requests and thousands of dollars in legal fees.
Not even the naked forms of people famous for no-nudity clauses in their contracts, like Whoopi Goldberg, have failed to escape my gaze. Yes, I can assure you, those photos exist. I've seen them. I'm not going to tell you where because there are people—valuable trusted sources—who I do not want to put at risk. But I've seen Whoopi Goldberg naked on four separate occasions.
German cinematic visionary Werner Herzog? Yes, certain Amazon River bathing photos do exist, and I've closely examined every detail. Famed White House correspondent Helen Thomas? Photographed in the mid-'90s during a split-second towel slippage in a Maryland steam bath. That one was hard to track down, I'll admit. But I did. Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball I've seen naked simultaneously. Even the Dalai Lama can't hide under those robes all the time.
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell? A powerful general, a disciplined military man to the core, but you'd be surprised by how emotionally vulnerable he can appear when naked. Anti-Defamation League Director Abraham Foxman owns some of the most luxurious pairs of pajamas money can buy, but he doesn't wear them. Nolan Bushnell, inventor of the first video game, Pong, has an enormous nutsack.
Some have come by accident—like Jared from the Subway commercials, whom I've seen before and after—and some have been disappointing—such as Margaret Cho, who didn't look nearly as erotic disrobed as you'd imagine—but each and every one holds a special place in my heart.
I saw what was either James Spader or David Spade playing volleyball naked on a beach once from a boat 300 yards away. In the case of Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, however, the situation was far more complicated. And I don't even want to tell you what I went through to view the pubis of Thomas Pynchon. But after nine years of trying, I can finally claim success.
Sometimes it involves international travel. Lenin's body is meticulously displayed and heavily guarded. But if you pull the right strings with the right people, you can get them to lift back the clothes. Sometimes it involves access to certain "officially nonexistent" orbital CIA spy satellites: That was my only recourse for viewing former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon in the veritable fortress of a hospital room he stayed in following his stroke.
You think there are people out there who simply cannot be seen naked. And I'm telling you they can.
In today's modern cyber-age, nudity is the ultimate commodity. And in this new nudity-based info-economy of the 21st century, I will dominate the marketplace and lord it over the rest of you. My database is unrivaled in its ambition, depth, and scope. If I have not seen you naked, rest assured, I will. Do not bother to take precautions, for someday, somehow, you will be nude before me. All of you!