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There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.
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There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity

Ever since I snagged this gig as White House communications director last year, I've gotten my fair share of condolences from friends and strangers alike. They tell me they wouldn't want to be in my shoes, what with President Bush's approval rating bottoming out. Well, if they had any understanding of how great and exciting my job actually is, they'd be trying to wrestle those shoes right off my feet and squeeze them on!

So what if my client doesn't have the best reputation in the world? In the PR biz, "bad publicity" doesn't exist. The naysayers just don't see the big picture. Sure, the prez's approval rating is at 29 percent. Sixty-four percent disapprove, and seven percent don't have an opinion. But you know what this really means? Ninety-three percent of all Americans are thinking about this man. 93 percent! Name another living human being who boasts those kinds of numbers. The name George W. Bush is on everybody's lips. Not even Angelina Jolie is in his league, and she's almost twice as hot! Yes sir, he's the guy you love to hate, but can't stop talking about!

Let me give you an example of how amazing, and amazingly easy, my work is: When American troops die in Iraq, the phone rings off the hook for interview requests. I have to turn most of them down, but that doesn't stop the reporters from calling in droves the next day when Bush vetoes a stem cell research bill. I've never once had to make cold calls to the political blogs to try to drum up some buzz for my client. Sure, we've done some video news releases that have gotten airtime in local TV markets here and there, but those are promos for his policies, never the man himself. Besides, who cares about some boring report on Medicare when all the boy has to do is make a single malapropism and he's on the evening news again!

Publicitywise, G.W. makes his own gravy. I just put him out there and let him do his thing, and that night he's the top story. Twelve months into the job, and I've gotten my boy into all the major news magazines each and every week. When I open The New York Times every morning, I do a count. On average, there are at least five stories that mention the president, and this is from a paper that hates him. Think of how he does in the paper that loves him!

To hell with Howard Stern—George W. Bush is the real king of all media! Television, radio, print, the Internet—hell, he's even made a splash on the silver screen. The whole indie-documentary genre wouldn't exist if it weren't for my client's star power and headline- making ability. Who else were you going to cast as the lead of Fahrenheit 9/11? Bush carried that flick!

Sure, he's the president of the United States, and you expect some interest in him on the home front, but it turns out the U.S.A. is just the tip of the iceberg. On all seven continents, my client's got name recognition through the roof. In the Middle East, children are taught his name practically from the cradle. Why, they chant his name in the streets. Fundamentalists even hang his likeness from poles in the streets. George W. Bush is on fire!

But don't think I'm just sitting around in the West Wing ordering takeout and playing wastepaper basketball. I'm taking full advantage of my client's socko momentum. I've lined up some huge personal appearances: serving troops fake food, showing up at a pro-life rally, maybe even a surprise appearance at Guantanamo. My guy has legs, and we're going to run this through 2008 and beyond. Hey, don't be surprised when there's a new president and Congress is still trying to untangle the Bush legacy.

I'm telling you, everyone wants a piece of him! So when people tell me they feel sorry for me, I just sit back and laugh. 'Cause I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

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