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There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity

Ever since I snagged this gig as White House communications director last year, I've gotten my fair share of condolences from friends and strangers alike. They tell me they wouldn't want to be in my shoes, what with President Bush's approval rating bottoming out. Well, if they had any understanding of how great and exciting my job actually is, they'd be trying to wrestle those shoes right off my feet and squeeze them on!

So what if my client doesn't have the best reputation in the world? In the PR biz, "bad publicity" doesn't exist. The naysayers just don't see the big picture. Sure, the prez's approval rating is at 29 percent. Sixty-four percent disapprove, and seven percent don't have an opinion. But you know what this really means? Ninety-three percent of all Americans are thinking about this man. 93 percent! Name another living human being who boasts those kinds of numbers. The name George W. Bush is on everybody's lips. Not even Angelina Jolie is in his league, and she's almost twice as hot! Yes sir, he's the guy you love to hate, but can't stop talking about!

Let me give you an example of how amazing, and amazingly easy, my work is: When American troops die in Iraq, the phone rings off the hook for interview requests. I have to turn most of them down, but that doesn't stop the reporters from calling in droves the next day when Bush vetoes a stem cell research bill. I've never once had to make cold calls to the political blogs to try to drum up some buzz for my client. Sure, we've done some video news releases that have gotten airtime in local TV markets here and there, but those are promos for his policies, never the man himself. Besides, who cares about some boring report on Medicare when all the boy has to do is make a single malapropism and he's on the evening news again!

Publicitywise, G.W. makes his own gravy. I just put him out there and let him do his thing, and that night he's the top story. Twelve months into the job, and I've gotten my boy into all the major news magazines each and every week. When I open The New York Times every morning, I do a count. On average, there are at least five stories that mention the president, and this is from a paper that hates him. Think of how he does in the paper that loves him!

To hell with Howard Stern—George W. Bush is the real king of all media! Television, radio, print, the Internet—hell, he's even made a splash on the silver screen. The whole indie-documentary genre wouldn't exist if it weren't for my client's star power and headline- making ability. Who else were you going to cast as the lead of Fahrenheit 9/11? Bush carried that flick!

Sure, he's the president of the United States, and you expect some interest in him on the home front, but it turns out the U.S.A. is just the tip of the iceberg. On all seven continents, my client's got name recognition through the roof. In the Middle East, children are taught his name practically from the cradle. Why, they chant his name in the streets. Fundamentalists even hang his likeness from poles in the streets. George W. Bush is on fire!

But don't think I'm just sitting around in the West Wing ordering takeout and playing wastepaper basketball. I'm taking full advantage of my client's socko momentum. I've lined up some huge personal appearances: serving troops fake food, showing up at a pro-life rally, maybe even a surprise appearance at Guantanamo. My guy has legs, and we're going to run this through 2008 and beyond. Hey, don't be surprised when there's a new president and Congress is still trying to untangle the Bush legacy.

I'm telling you, everyone wants a piece of him! So when people tell me they feel sorry for me, I just sit back and laugh. 'Cause I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

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