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There's No Way I'm Ever Molesting A Kid After What Happened To Jerry Sandusky

Just the other day, I turned on the news and I happened to catch an interview with Jerry Sandusky. You remember that guy from a few years ago—the guy who sexually abused all those kids? Well, let me tell you, all I could think about during the interview was what a bad idea all that molesting was. I can tell you one thing: There’s no way I’m ever going to molest a bunch of kids like Jerry Sandusky did, not after what happened to him.

Just take a look at the guy—it’s like his whole life fell apart! He’s in jail, far away from his home and family, and he’ll be there for 30 years or more—that’s probably the rest of his life! I don’t want something like that to happen to me. I don’t know about you, but I definitely don’t want to go to jail, not even for one year. And if that’s what can happen when you sexually assault some minors, then count me out!

No sir, I’m not going to do any child molesting at all. Not a chance. What Sandusky did was a really big mistake—everyone can see that now. That’s why I’m steering clear of that whole situation.

I’m telling you, they really put that Jerry Sandusky through the ringer. Back a few years ago, it seemed like everyone, even people he didn’t even know, were dragging his name through the mud. And now a couple years later, people are still upset with the guy. Just think how bad it would feel to have so many people—including people on national TV—saying you’re no good. That’s something he’s never going to live down! So, I’m just going to avoid juvenile sexual abuse altogether. Lesson learned.

To me, it’s just not worth it.

And jail is just the start of it. This guy lost his job, and they’re probably never going to let him coach football again. Can you imagine that: being fired and told you may never do what you love ever again? Boy, I’d say Jerry Sandusky really messed his life up big time! Maybe it’s just me, but when I heard all the bad things that can happen to you when you molest minors, I made a decision right then and there not to do that kind of stuff—not now, not ever. Are you kidding me? The last thing I want is to end up like Sandusky.

Look, I know he sexually abused dozens of young children, but I don’t want to have to deal with even a part of what he went through, so frankly, there’s no way I’m going to force even one prepubescent boy to have sexual intercourse with me. If the opportunity ever comes up to molest a kid, I’ll just say, “No thanks, pal—not for me.”

Nowadays, whenever I find out one of my friends is molesting children, I’m like, “Wait, are you crazy? Didn’t you hear about Sandusky? Yeah, the Penn State guy! The Penn State guy and all those kids!” I tell them Sandusky got in huge trouble for that, and when they keep doing it I honestly think they must be out of their minds! How could you continue sexually assaulting young kids when you know full well that this one guy basically ruined his whole life doing the same thing? The message seems pretty plain and simple to me.

I’ve got a wife, two children, a nice home, and a good job, and I’d like to keep it that way. That’s why I’m staying far away from all sexual contact with underage kids. Heck, I’m even going to stay away from just showering with a bunch of them after that whole Sandusky thing. Not boys, not girls, not anyone. Toddlers, teenagers, I don’t care—I don’t want any part of it after all that Jerry Sandusky’s been through. Knowing what we know now about Sandusky’s life, it just seems like a pretty dumb move.

Hey, if you want to take that risk by having sex with young children, that’s up to you. But me, I’ll find something else to do.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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