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These Are The Honda Days That Were Foretold In The Prophecy

O, how mankind has awaited this hallowed moment, predicted by the oracles so long ago. Many a skeptic has doubted that such an occasion would ever transpire, dismissing the auguries as mere lore. But alas, the portents cannot lie, and at long last the Honda Days foretold in the prophecy of our ancestors have finally arrived, ushering in a joyous new era of tremendous values, the likes of which the world has never seen!

In ancient times, the seers gathered by firelight and envisioned this moment of grand celebration, foreseeing a miraculous era when our people could reap a great bounty of savings on the entire Honda model lineup. They saw the planets aligning, the beasts of the earth lowing in their pastures, and a magnificent sales event unfolding with phenomenal bargains on new, used, and certified pre-owned Accords and Civics. But lo, there was more! The prophecy advised the multitudes to venture forth and bear witness to such wonders as the best selection, lowest prices, and 0.9% APR financing for well-qualified buyers.

And we must not forget that the visionaries spake of huge blowout deals on a massive inventory of cars, trucks, SUVs, and crossover vehicles to fit anyone’s needs and budget.

Hearken, though, for the prophecy contains an ominous forewarning, beseeching one and all not to miss out on whopping clearance savings. For during these blessed Honda Days, all 2013s shall be significantly marked down and priced to move.

And there is yet more to the venerable prophecy of old. The great diviners of ages past did read the symbols on the tri-colored leaflets placed under every windshield wiper and saw that there would be no-hassle financing, $0 due-at-lease signing, and zero payments for the first 90 days.

Indeed, the omens of the great prognosticators told thrilling tales of glorious Honda Days yet to come, when mighty Odyssey minivans with spacious seating, advanced safety features, and the power of 12 score and eight horses could be obtained for low, low prices. Yes, all these wondrous marvels, plus a complimentary seven-year, 100,000-mile limited powertrain warranty, were promised.

Now at last, on the first New Moon after Toyotathon, the mystical proclamations of the ancients about boundless utility, reliability, and fuel efficiency have finally come to pass! The era of customer incentives and factory rebates is upon us! That ancient prophecy is now manifest, writ in the very ink of the gods in the Sunday paper insert, heralding the arrival of the Honda Days dreamt of by so many generations before us!

We must wait no longer. Let the most venturesome voyage begin northward to the junction of I-90 and Fulton Parkway, then take thee to take Exit 49 and the first right at the lights. And as the soothsayers of antiquity once intoned, “follow then the billboards.” Then just a half mile past the WestView Mall, like a glimmering vision, Glen Powell Chevrolet-Honda shall emerge, and there will be two-door Civics, four-door Civics, and free balloons for the kids.

And thy heart shall sing with gladness, for the service is second to none.

To know you have reached the holy ground, you must seek the prophesied one, the Air Man of 10,000 breaths, who is light as silk and gyrates in a torrent of unceasing zephyrs. The towering man of fabric rises into the heavens above; his benevolent grin and majestic skyward flapping will signal that the time for savings is now—now! So, too, will the wind wave festive triangles in all colors of the rainbow. On garlands roof-to-ground shall they flutter, beckoning the masses to heed the decrees made by the gallant Honda dealers, for they do not jest when they boast of the fairest prices in the tri-state area.

And they who did doubt: soon shall they see their error and suffer great woe. For eons to come shall they gnash their teeth and curse their folly, and make cripplingly high monthly payments, whilst the righteous believers span vast leagues in industry-leading comfort and economy, as no less than J.D. Power & Associates did avow.

So prepare thee your latest-model trade-ins! For Glen, Merchant of Hondas, did pledge an oath to match up to $3,000 of their value, as illuminated within the Blue Book of Kelley.

Arise now and go forth, for there shall be a joyous sale-a-bration o’er all the land!

And hie thee without delay! For it is truly written that while the wisdom of the ancients shall last forever, these deals shall not.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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