They Called Me Crazy When I Switched Shampoos, But Who's Crazy Now?

In This Section

Vol 41 Issue 33

Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit To Wife's Vagina

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid rumors of sagging morale on the home front, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld greeted his wife Joyce Monday with an unanticipated visit to her vagina, according to the Pentagon.

County Fair Judges Blown Away By Heifer

ELLENDALE, ND—Dickey County Fair livestock judge Bernard Hodelnutt called a heifer named Bessany "the sort of near-divine creation that inspired Zeus Himself to appear in the form of an amorous bull." "In all my years of cattle judging, I have never beheld such bovine perfection," said Hodelnutt, 52, who first encountered the 2-year-old Brown Swiss at the fairground's stock pavilion Sunday. "My fellow judges and I agree that we are unworthy of assaying such transcendent cowflesh. Our paltry ribbons and trinkets make meager tribute to this demigoddess, who should assume her place beside mighty Taurus in the heavens." After viewing the animal, Hodelnutt and the other judges cast their rating books and badges into a vat of boiling funnel cakes and cut out their own eyes lest they be fouled by the sight of less graceful beasts.

Angelina Jolie Coming For Your Baby

MALIBU, CA—Angelina Jolie has filed for adoption of your newborn baby, sources close to the actress reported Tuesday. "Angelina loves your baby, and you should be honored that she has chosen it," said publicist Jacqueline Silver, citing the growing collection of babies Jolie has culled from families worldwide. "Color, creed, whether your child is wanted—none of it matters. Angelina has fallen in love, and through legal means or force, your baby will soon be hers." Immediately after acquiring your child, Jolie will dress it in Betsey Johnson infant wear, give it a faux-hawk, name it after a random passage from the The Tibetan Book Of The Dead, then resume her relentless search for babies.

Calcutta Fire Marshal: Many Indian Homes Lack Bride Extinguisher

CALCUTTA, INDIA—Failure to own or use a bride extinguisher results in millions of rupees of property damage in India annually, Calcutta fire marshal Prasad Chandra said in a press conference Monday. "This tragedy occurs far too often when well-meaning husbands, attempting to collect on a dowry, ignite their brides indoors. The damage is often compounded when a burning bride attempts to escape and spreads the flames to other homes," Chandra said. "If you absolutely must burn your bride, avoid additional destruction with an affordable bride extinguisher. And, if possible, confine the burning to your backyard bride pit." He also recommended that homeowners install and periodically test marital smoke detectors.

New Pepsi Negative-220 Burns Twice The Calories It Contains

PURCHASE, NY—Joining a field already crowded with such non-caloric beverages as Coke Steam and Hollo Yello, PepsiCo announced the creation Monday of Pepsi Negative-220, a diet cola that burns twice the calories it contains. "You'll love PN-220 for the super-slimming rush of thyrotropin, PC1 enzymes, and that zesty hint of lemony leptin that zaps away fat, muscle tissue, and some nerve sheathing," PepsiCo spokesperson Ned Caen said. "But you'll drink it for that refreshing cola taste." Despite an FDA label warning of potential cardiac arrhythmia, renal shutdown, intestinal necrosis, and spontaneous erosion of the meninges, plans are underway to debut Pepsi Negative-220 in early October. "For radical and uncompromising weight loss, it's the cola," Caen said.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

They Called Me Crazy When I Switched Shampoos, But Who's Crazy Now?

Pity those poor mortals milling about at the drugstore. I once numbered among them, braying and milling like sheep in limp-haired herds. Like them, I was satisfied to follow the same old morning routine, blindly accepting the shampoos of our forefathers, and their forefathers before them. But armed with only a dream and the coupon I discovered in the Sunday newspaper insert, I dared to switch brands. They thought me mad. They thought me crazy. But look at me! Look at my rich, easy-to-manage hair and tell me, who's crazy now?

They think I didn't see them shaking their heads, whispering behind their hands. Damn them and their tiny minds!

From the instant I entered my shower and squeezed a dime-size dollop into my palm, I knew that a miracle was nigh, and their ignorant fear did not concern me. As I coaxed the new shampoo into a rich lather, I could feel the revitalizing power coursing through my hair, electrifying it to the very roots. Like Archimedes, I sprang from my shower and shouted to the heavens: "Behold! Gaze upon my head and ask yourself—is this the full-bodied head of hair of a madman?"

With requisite small-mindedness, the "good people" now shun and malign me. The sidewalks seem to clear before my path, and my approach is greeted with the sound of slamming screen doors and the sharp click of deadbolt locks. Because I dared to pick the forbidden fruit of scalp hygiene, they treat me as a monster. But it is they who are the limp, lifeless, heat-damaged monsters. Gaze unto my head and ask yourself: Have I not created new life in my hair?

How they laughed at me at the drugstore! How they spat upon my dream of healthy hair! But they would think twice before laughing now, as I vigorously toss my beautiful, flowing locks! Again and again, I toss my lush hair as if in slow motion. I ask you, are these the actions of an insane man?

Perhaps it is mad to have hair this healthy and lustrous. If that is the case, then so be it! I embrace the moniker of madman. I care nothing of what others think. Let the name of Larson be evoked in the same breath as the other great madmen of infamy, as long as it is synonymous with the achievement of beautiful, manageable hair. If lesser minds cannot embrace my hair's newfound sheen, it is of no concern to me.

They chastised me for playing God. Their greatest minds barked amongst themselves: "God did not want us to have bouncing and behaving hair. We are men, not angels." Bah! I never intended to play God, but this luxurious mane cannot be that of a mere mortal.

A pity that there is no picture of me before the transformation, that these dullards might compare it to the glorious After, for I have breathed in apple-scented greatness, and I can never return to what was. If you cannot come with me on my journey into the unknown, then begone! And don't wonder what happened to me. Know only that I have changed shampoos, and I can no longer live amongst lesser men.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More