They Finally Got The TV Schedule Exactly Right

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

They Finally Got The TV Schedule Exactly Right

It sure took those network programmers long enough. But better late than never, I suppose.

For years, I was convinced they'd never get the TV schedule right. I mean, talk about a mess! Did those geniuses at NBC think I had nothing better to do with my Thursday 8:30 to 9 p.m. slot than watch some weak ER lead-in like Jesse, just because I already had the network on at 8 for the must-see Frasier?

And don't even talk to me about CBS. For months, they had Now And Again on Tuesdays at 8 p.m. Everyone knows that show was made for Fridays at 9! What in the world were they thinking? As long as you're at it, you CBS Einsteins, why don't you take Ladies Man out of its Monday 8:30 slot and move it to Wednesdays at 8:30, opposite ABC's Norm? Yeah, that'd be a great idea!

Things looked truly bleak. But just as I was about to give up once and for all, I opened up my brand-new TV Guide a few days ago and saw that everything had finally fallen into place. The Hughleys on at 9:30 Fridays, Third Watch on at 10 p.m. Mondays... It was all too perfect!

I can barely remember the last time the TV schedule was so right. It must have been around 1985. NBC's legendary Thursday-night lineup–Cosby at 8, Family Ties at 8:30, Cheers at 9, Night Court at 9:30–was the anchor of a sublime, perfectly arranged week. On NBC on Mondays, you had TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes from 8 to 9, then you could switch over to CBS for Kate & Allie, followed by Newhart at 9:30. It was poetic in its simplicity and elegance, a sleek, two-hour jungle cat of prime-time entertainment.

For a brief, shining moment, it was Camelot. But, of course, they had to go and mess it all up. When the 1986 season came around, they'd moved Kate & Allie to 8, forcing me to choose between that and NBC's concurrent offering, the delicious ALF. Then, to add insult to injury, they followed Kate & Allie not with Newhart as in the previous year, but with the subpar Pam Dawber vehicle My Sister Sam. It was awful.

And that's how it was until just this past week. I can't believe that last year at this time, they were making me choose between King Of The Hill and 3rd Rock From The Sun. Why even go through the trouble of making these great shows if you're just gonna run them opposite each other? I mean, I can only watch one at a time, for God's sake! And don't even talk to me about VCRs–it's just not the same.

But, fortunately, all that's in the past. Because after years of waiting, they've discovered the ideal mix. I don't work in TV programming, so I have no idea why it took so long, but there must be a lot of complicated rules that kept them from just putting everything on at the right time. But now that it's perfect, the networks will never have to change the TV schedule again. It's good to see those fat-cat TV executives are finally earning their pay.

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