They Finally Got The TV Schedule Exactly Right

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 05

New Mommy A Lot Prettier

BUTLER, PA—According to Courtney and Brady Leuchter, their new mommy doesn't even make them turn off the Nintendo.

Woman Doomed To Years Of Hippo-Themed Gifts

JACKSONVILLE, FL–Remarking, "Oh, I love hippos!" upon receiving a birthday gift of a porcelain hippopotamus, area resident Karen Voldstead doomed herself to a lifetime of hippo-themed gifts Monday. "I don't even know why I said it," said Voldstead, 24, shortly after receiving the small statuette from a coworker. "I don't especially like hippos. I guess I was just trying to find something nice to say since I didn't really like it." The next day at work, Volstead received several "belated" birthday gifts, including a stuffed hippo, a rollerskating-hippo coffee mug, and a hippo-shaped doorstop.

World Gets First-Ever Look Inside Greenspan Fantasy Ranch

YORBA LINDA, CA–In an exclusive, first-ever peek inside the fabled estate, CNNfn cameras were allowed onto the grounds of Fiscalypso, Federal Reserve chair Alan Greenspan's palatial Yorba Linda fantasy ranch, Monday. Greeting CNNfn reporter Dan Grentsch in a purple fur coat and Speedo swim trunks, the reclusive financial genius gave a guided tour of the 200-room mansion, pointing out such sights as his ruby-encrusted stock ticker, his rotating dollar-sign-shaped waterbed, and the "Love Hut," a shag-carpeted, warehouse-sized room stocked with nubile virgins from each of the seven major industrialized nations.

Clinton's Sight Restored

BETHESDA, MD–In a groundbreaking six-hour operation Monday, doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital successfully restored President Clinton's eyesight. "The first thing Clinton saw when the bandages were removed was the face of his beloved daughter Chelsea," Bethesda ocular surgeon Kenneth Blaine told reporters. Chelsea had been sitting patiently for hours, waiting for him to wake so all could find out whether the highly experimental procedure had been successful. "The president shed a tear, saying that his 'little girl' has grown into a beautiful young woman.'" Clinton aides said he plans to step down from the presidency to return to his figure-skating career.

Too Sexy Too Soon?

A new wave of sultry teen pop princesses, including Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Mandy Moore, are drawing fire from concerned parents, who say they present inappropriately sexualized images to little girls who look up to them. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Originality

  • Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

    BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

They Finally Got The TV Schedule Exactly Right

It sure took those network programmers long enough. But better late than never, I suppose.

For years, I was convinced they'd never get the TV schedule right. I mean, talk about a mess! Did those geniuses at NBC think I had nothing better to do with my Thursday 8:30 to 9 p.m. slot than watch some weak ER lead-in like Jesse, just because I already had the network on at 8 for the must-see Frasier?

And don't even talk to me about CBS. For months, they had Now And Again on Tuesdays at 8 p.m. Everyone knows that show was made for Fridays at 9! What in the world were they thinking? As long as you're at it, you CBS Einsteins, why don't you take Ladies Man out of its Monday 8:30 slot and move it to Wednesdays at 8:30, opposite ABC's Norm? Yeah, that'd be a great idea!

Things looked truly bleak. But just as I was about to give up once and for all, I opened up my brand-new TV Guide a few days ago and saw that everything had finally fallen into place. The Hughleys on at 9:30 Fridays, Third Watch on at 10 p.m. Mondays... It was all too perfect!

I can barely remember the last time the TV schedule was so right. It must have been around 1985. NBC's legendary Thursday-night lineup–Cosby at 8, Family Ties at 8:30, Cheers at 9, Night Court at 9:30–was the anchor of a sublime, perfectly arranged week. On NBC on Mondays, you had TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes from 8 to 9, then you could switch over to CBS for Kate & Allie, followed by Newhart at 9:30. It was poetic in its simplicity and elegance, a sleek, two-hour jungle cat of prime-time entertainment.

For a brief, shining moment, it was Camelot. But, of course, they had to go and mess it all up. When the 1986 season came around, they'd moved Kate & Allie to 8, forcing me to choose between that and NBC's concurrent offering, the delicious ALF. Then, to add insult to injury, they followed Kate & Allie not with Newhart as in the previous year, but with the subpar Pam Dawber vehicle My Sister Sam. It was awful.

And that's how it was until just this past week. I can't believe that last year at this time, they were making me choose between King Of The Hill and 3rd Rock From The Sun. Why even go through the trouble of making these great shows if you're just gonna run them opposite each other? I mean, I can only watch one at a time, for God's sake! And don't even talk to me about VCRs–it's just not the same.

But, fortunately, all that's in the past. Because after years of waiting, they've discovered the ideal mix. I don't work in TV programming, so I have no idea why it took so long, but there must be a lot of complicated rules that kept them from just putting everything on at the right time. But now that it's perfect, the networks will never have to change the TV schedule again. It's good to see those fat-cat TV executives are finally earning their pay.

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More