They Should Do A Sitcom About Our Crazy Office

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Vol 32 Issue 17

CBS Picks Up NBC Nightly News

NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster its flagging ratings, CBS announced Monday that it has picked up the longrunning NBC program NBC Nightly News. CBS—which paid $150 million for the rights to the highly rated news program after a lengthy bidding war with NBC, ABC and Fox—will run NBC Nightly News in its 7:30 p.m. EST time slot, immediately following CBS Evening News. "We are delighted to welcome the newest member of the CBS family," CBS president Laurence Hewitt said. "Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather are nighttime television’s new dream team. When put back to back, these two powerhouse shows form the most unbeatable, exciting hour of news anywhere." NBC will also air reruns of CBS Evening News weeknights at 11 p.m. EST, followed by Fox Tuesday Night At The Movies.

Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty

MANHATTAN, KS—In his third hammer-induced communion with the Son of God in as many days, local resident Bart Peintner made a vociferous appeal to Lord Jesus Christ Almighty Monday following a blunt ball-peen-hammer blow to his left thumb. "Holy Jesus Christ Almighty in Heaven!" said Peintner, who was repairing a chair at the time of the thumb injury/spiritual communion. Added Peintner: "Jesus Fucking Christ!" Spokespersons for Fucking Christ were unavailable for comment at press time.

Enormous Grace Slick Threatens California Coastline

SACRAMENTO, CA—In an emergency measure Monday, California Gov. Pete Wilson ordered two dozen Northern California coastal communities evacuated following the appearance of an enormous Grace Slick along the coastline near Monterey. "We have no knowledge at this time of how this Slick may be contained," Wilson said. "But we are urging all residents in the immediate area to leave their homes and seek shelter inland." Slick, who has reportedly reached an area coverage of 4.5 acres, was unavailable for comment. "I just hope the indigenous wildlife of this region can be saved," said Greenpeace director Ron Wooten after surveying the damage. "So much devastation to the local ecosystem has occurred already. I pray the Slick does not continue to spread." Slick's rapidly spiraling mass has already destroyed the city of Berkeley, which Slick herself helped build on rock and roll.

Former President Carter Sole Attendee At 1997 Solar Power Summit

ATLANTA—The 1997 Solar Power Summit got off to an auspicious start Saturday, with a star-studded celebrity panel featuring such luminary as former U.S. president Jimmy Carter. "Solar power is the cleanest, safest, most ecologically sound power source available. We owe it to ourselves and this planet to invest in the development of renewable solar resources," said Carter, addressing more than 1,500 seats at the Atlanta Convention Center. "Your attendance at this summit stands as testimony to your commitment to a safe and clean future." Immediately following the summit, Carter boarded a cab to the Atlanta Marriott Hotel for MetriCon ’97. "America is slowly but surely ‘centimetering’ toward progress," Carter quipped.

This Column Is A 'Re-run'

Doc McGillicuddy ordered me not to write my column this week because I am just getting over a bout of the pleurisy, and I need my bed-rest. McGillicuddy suggested I consent to what he called a "re-run," or a printing of a previously published column.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

They Should Do A Sitcom About Our Crazy Office

Have you noticed there are a lot of TV shows set in crazy offices nowadays? Well, I was watching one of them the other night—I think it was the one about the newspaper—when a thought occurred to me: They should do a sitcom about our crazy office!

Believe me, those offices on television pale in comparison to what goes on over here at Tri-State Consolidated Distributing. Our office is so full of crazies, I call it the loony bin!

You know that ditzy redhead on Suddenly Susan? Well, she's nothing compared to Rhonda, our office manager. Okay, here's an example: Rhonda's constantly forgetting to reorder toner for the office copy machine. So last Friday, which is supply-reorder day at the office, she showed up to work with a reminder note that said "Toner" taped to her forehead! She's so nuts!

Then there's Rose, our assistant customer-service coordinator. Believe me, those folks on The Drew Carey Show couldn't hold a candle to her. Rose has this coffee cup that says, "Don't Talk To Me Until I've Had My Second Cup Of Coffee," that's the type of person she is. Once, she tore a page out of a Victoria's Secret catalog, taped Ron's face over one of the models' and posted it in the break-room bulletin board! Maybe I should call up the folks at Drew Carey and tell them about Rose. Then again, they may not be ready for her!

We even have a Jewish person here, David, who's always complaining about something. If they did a sitcom about us I don't think they should make David Jewish, though, because that might seem racist. I'd have him look and act the same, but give him an Italian last name.

And, of course, I mustn't forget to mention Mr. Landers, our boss. He has got to be the grouchiest man alive. Whenever he comes down to Receiving, he always bellows something like, "Why is everyone standing around? Is this National Stand Around The Office And Do Nothing Day?" We always jump back to work, but as soon as he's gone, someone makes a crack about the out-of-date ties he wears. Sheila, one of the customer-service representatives, did this hysterical impression of him at last year's Christmas party that still makes me laugh to this day. (Sometimes I think we don't have employees here—we have inmates!)

And just like the bosses on those TV shows, Mr. Landers is constantly trying to break up our fun. One day, we were having a little party at Eileen's desk on her first day back from maternity leave, and everybody was giving her all these crazy gag gifts. Mitch got her a pair of earplugs "for all the crying she was in for." Renee got her a bottle of Calgon because of those commercials where the woman is cooking and cleaning, and the kids are crying, and she yells, "Calgon, take me away!" (Eileen, Renee and I all yell that now whenever the phones start ringing off the hook!)

Well, our fun didn't last long. Hearing some sort of commotion at Eileen's desk, Mr. Landers came in and said, "What's going on here?" We told him it was a little party for Eileen, and he replied, "You're going to be holding your party in the unemployment line if you don't get back to work." Can you believe that old sourpuss? But we got the last laugh: When he turned and walked out of Receiving, he had a "Congratulations" napkin stuck to the bottom of his shoe! Couldn't you just see that as the end of an episode? I sure could!

So, if any of you big-city TV people are reading this, feel free to give me a call, and I could arrange to have you come down and meet the loonballs at Tri-State Consolidated. I think you'd have the next big hit on your hands!

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