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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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They Should Name An Ice Cream Treat After Me

My name is Frosty Fritz, and I want an ice-cream treat named after me.

Take a look at my picture. Would I or would I not make the perfect mascot for an ice-cream treat? For God's sake, I wear this Eskimo-style parka all the time, even in warm weather. Is there any doubt in your mind that I am the living embodiment of tasty ice-cream goodness?

Given my appearance, you'd think I enjoy a thriving career as a cartoon ice-cream spokesperson, right? Nope. Instead, I work this shitty third-shift job making industrial lye. I mean, what the fuck?!

I just don't get it. Pansy The Elephant® has a cushy job pitching those disgusting circus peanuts. Whizzy Whale(TM) makes big bucks plugging frozen fish sticks. And who doesn't think about steel-wool cleaning pads without recalling the whimsical image of the Tuff-Job Boy®? Why am I not on this list? Why can't I have my own line of frozen dairy novelties?

Dammit, I want my name to be a registered trademark!

What went wrong? With my looks, I should have been on Easy Street. My life should have all been mapped out for me. I didn't even have to get extensive plastic surgery to look this way, like that jerk Toilet Duck®. What you see is what you get.

I'm pleading, someone, anyone, come up with a new ice-cream treat, and name it after me. We'll split the profits 50-50. I'd put up my own capital, but I'm kind of low on funds right now. (As you may recall, I work in a goddamn lye factory.) The banks won't give me a loan, and when I asked some people at work to chip in, they either laughed in my face or ordered me to get back to stirring the lye.

To demonstrate how serious I am about this venture, I went to the trouble of writing my own commercial.

BOY: Gee willikers! It sure is hot today!

GIRL: You said it, big brother. Boy, a refreshing ice-cream treat would sure hit the spot right about now.

[An igloo magically materializes before the children. Out pops FROSTY FRITZ.]

FROSTY FRITZ: Did somebody say "ice cream"?

BOY and GIRL [in unison]: It's Frosty Fritz! It's Frosty Fritz!

FROSTY FRITZ: That's right, kids! Summer's a whole fucking lot cooler with a delicious Frosty Fritz ice-cream treat!

Etcetera, etcetera. Okay, so perhaps it could do without the swearing, but I think you get the basic gist.

Once we get the first frozen confection off the ground, we can branch off into other products. I spent all last night brainstorming some ideas. Try these on for size: Frosty Fritz's Arctic Choco-Blast, Frosty Fritz's Yukon Gold Peanut-Butter Nugget Special, Frosty Fritz's Fudgy-Dudgy Vanilla Twist, and Frosty Fritz's Super Coolberry Magic Fruity Surprise. I'm telling you, we can't fail. And another tip: Team me with a penguin, and you've got gold, solid gold!

You may be wondering if I've ever tried pitching my ideas to the big-time ice-cream manufacturers. Been there, done that. I wrote a proposal to Tinkydink Treats Amalgamated. (Can't get more big-time than that.) A month later, I got a rejection letter from one of their lackeys in product development. He thanked me for my interest and called my appearance "remarkable," but he said the notion of a parka-clad cartoon man-child hawking ice-cream treats was "no longer the image Tinkydink Treats Amalgamated wants to project."

Bullshit! Well, screw them. Their goddamn treats taste like sugared school glue, anyway. Well, I may not have an MBA or a degree in food chemistry, but I do have something no diploma can buy: street smarts. Don't let my whimsical exterior fool you. I have the instincts of a fucking shark. C'mon, folks, I'm talking money in the bank here. It's a sure fucking thing. Frosty Fritz Ice Cream Treats could be big. Big, I tell you, big!

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