After Birth

Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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The Thing No One Tells You When You Become A Parent Is That NASA Is Conspiring To Overthrow The U.S. Government

Having a child is one of the most profound and illuminating experiences a person can have. No matter how much you think you know about life, that first time looking into the eyes of your newborn completely changes your outlook. You see absolutely everything in a whole new light. It seems obvious to me now, but until I held my infant son in my arms, I never realized that NASA was conspiring to overthrow the United States government.

I guess it’s just one of those funny things no one ever tells you about becoming a parent: As soon as the doctor congratulates you on your baby girl or boy, your whole life turns upside down. In that moment, you truly understand for the first time in your life that our national space agency is plotting to depose our elected leaders and establish a brutal new world order. From that point onward, nothing else seems as important.

How could I ever have been so foolish as to believe that it wouldn’t be all that difficult to balance parenthood with a demanding job, or that NASA wouldn’t use special low-frequency mind-control waves to enslave the world’s citizens?

And nothing can prepare you for it. You can read all the books you want about parenting or about Project Blue Beam, the secret plan to seize power throughout the world by engineering a fake alien invasion, but those are just words. Understanding that NASA intends to use 3D holographic technology to feign an extraterrestrial assault or that 800 FEMA concentration camps are waiting to “reeducate” anybody who attempts to resist the new regime—that’s something you can only grasp once you have a son or daughter of your own.

It changes your entire life.

No one ever warns you about how overwhelmed and exhausted you’ll be in those months when your baby isn’t sleeping through the night and all you want to do is piece together the truth about how an Amtrak facility in Beech Grove, IN has been converted into a massive gas chamber staffed by immigrants who are ready to start liquidating native-born Americans at a moment’s notice.

You’ll think, “Why did no one tell me this?”

Looking back now, I sometimes can’t believe how naive the old me was. How could I ever have been so foolish as to believe that it wouldn’t be all that difficult to balance parenthood with a demanding job, or that NASA wouldn’t use special low-frequency mind-control waves to enslave the world’s citizens?

I remember my parents trying to tell me how much having kids changed them, and how former NASA administrator Daniel Goldin had staged the 9/11 attacks as a dry run to test the agency’s ability to execute a complex false flag operation. I laughed it off at the time, but when I became a mom myself, I had to admit they were right: I never really knew what true devotion was until I saw how far the nefarious global cabal was willing to go to establish an all-powerful pan-national government and a worldwide New Age religion headed by the Antichrist. Now that I’ve come around to the reality of it all, my parents just get to chuckle and say, “We told you so!”

These days, my friends without children think I’m crazy for wanting to stay in with my family and work on my mind control–jamming device when I could be out at a party. I just tell them to enjoy their freedom while they can, because someday they’ll have kids of their own and NASA will project a simulated Rapture across the skies of Western countries in order to bring the world’s Christians under its control.

But I know they won’t really understand until they become parents themselves. Or until the first wave of federal relocation orders arrives.

After Birth

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