Things Are Starting To Turn Around

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Vol 40 Issue 32

Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against

DETROIT, MI—Renald Boyd, 27, of course doesn't mention all the times he wasn't discriminated against, sources reported Tuesday. "I had the lease all set up through an agent," Boyd said. "But then, when I went in to sign it, the landlord suddenly started acting all weird and said he had to run out for a minute. We sat there for an hour before the agent got him on the phone, at which point the landlord said he was looking for a 'quieter type.' This country is insane." Boyd naturally failed to mention that the real-estate agent worked with him with no hesitation, and that the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail.

Man Miscast In Role of Father

BECKLEY, WV—Critics, social workers, and peers agreed Monday that Michael Jans was horribly miscast as the father of 5-year-old Tyler Beecham. "Michael would be great playing the drunken buddy, or the deadbeat brother who can't hold down a job, but he's just not very believable as Daddy," ex-girlfriend Karen Beecham said. "I had hoped Michael would grow into the role, but I'm rethinking that idea. It's a very demanding part, and I need someone who can do it without a lot of direction." Beecham will begin re-casting the father role at Scooter's Pub on Thursday at 8 p.m.

Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Junior building inspector Thomas Spengler, 8, ordered the closure of a tree house owned by Jimmy Herman Monday. "The tree house will remain closed until improvements are made to its structure," Spengler said. "The rope ladder leading up to the house needs to be brought into compliance with local building codes. Also, the structural integrity of the clubhouse, wedged as it is into Old Man Kessler's oak tree, is compromised by the hastily added lookout post." Spengler threatened to close the tree house permanently should Herman fail to bring its tire swing up to code.

Recreational Viagra Use

According to a recent study, recreational use of Viagra is on the rise among younger men who don't suffer from impotence. What do you think?

Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America

WICHITA, KS—Delivering the central speech of his 10-day "Solution For America" bus campaign tour Monday, Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry outlined his one-point plan for a better America: the removal of George W. Bush from the White House.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Small Business

Things Are Starting To Turn Around

Hola, amigos. How's every little thing? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've barely had a chance to catch my breath these days. Ron hooked me up with a job at the carbonics plant where he works. For a while, I was the guy that cut blocks of dry ice. It was all right, but I didn't know Ron was gonna be my supervisor. I was able to put up with that for about two seconds before I stopped showing up. There's no way that mallethead is going to tell me what to do. He even wrote me up for being late.

Now, ordinarily, I would be sorta down because I'm out of work, but for once, I've landed on my feet. I've got a new job as a roofer. I've never worked construction before, except for that time I mixed cement, but I'm no stranger to a hammer. That TV table I have? I built that myself out of plywood I snagged from a Dumpster when they were building that house next door. It even has a shelf for my GameCube. Right now it sags in the middle, but that'll stop once it settles.

The roofing job is all right. Sometimes we have to work right through the weekends, but then I get a shitload of overtime pay. I work with a bunch of college guys, but they aren't too uppity or wussy. We don't hang out after work or anything, but we joke around together. Their music sucks, but we take turns. It's pretty democratic.

The thing about roofing is that you're out in the hot sun all day, so you work up a thirst. Now, when I was carving dry ice, I was really cold all day, and then I'd go outside and it'd be really hot—so I was never thirsty, just confused. But since getting this new job, the number of MGDs I put away has gone up considerably.

It must help my overall disposition to have a job that doesn't suck ass, because I feel like I'm living a charmed life right now. Last week, after knocking off work, I was heading to the store to pick up my nightly beer. When I started up the car, the radio station was beginning a block of Speedwagon. It was lucky, too, because I was just about to call it quits on that station for playing way too much U2 (total ass). But then they go and play one of my favorites. That DJ must have read my mind and decided that Jim Anchower was the kind of listener he needed to keep happy.

Once I got to the store, I sat in the car until the end of the rock block. When I got out and walked through the parking lot, still feeling pretty good, I spotted $20 lying on the ground! I looked around to see if the guy who dropped it was watching me, but I didn't see anyone. That kinda thing doesn't happen to me. Usually, I'm the one losing money. Well, I took that $20 and turned it into beer real fast before the owner came back for it.

Once I got home, I cracked open a beer and settled in to watch Fear Factor. Since my beer was free, I had a little extra money to order a pizza with pepperoni and onions. When the pizza showed up, I opened the box and saw that they'd put mushrooms on it, too. Normally, I would've turned the other cheek, but I hate mushrooms. I was a little buzzed by then, so I called up the pizza place and chewed them out. They sent out another pizza, no charge. Since the mushroom pizza was free, I picked off the mushrooms, ate it, and saved the other one for breakfast.

It rained the next day, so I didn't have to work. Since I'm used to being outside now, I was starting to feel a little stir crazy in the house, so I went out for some air. I drove around and picked up a new pair of Terminator sunglasses and a one-hitter, the kind that looks like a cigarette. I'd been meaning to get one of those for a while. When I got back, there was a note on my door from my landlord saying that he needed to get in my place. My landlord is a king douche, so I was super happy to have dodged him. Luck is on my side.

Then, yesterday, the best thing of all happened. I busted my leg, so I don't have to go in to work for eight weeks! One of the guys left his tool belt on the side of the ladder, so when I was climbing up, I got tangled up and fell. I broke my legbone in two places. The doctor says I probably might want to consider another kind of work once I get healed up. Sounds fine with me. In the meantime, I'm on workman's comp, meaning I get paid for lying around the house and taking Vicodin. And it was the guy who left the belt hanging on the ladder who got chewed out by my boss. How sweet is that?

Add to all this the fact that my car hasn't been acting up at all, and you can see that life is sweet these days. Maybe the universe looked at me and said, "You know what? I think it's time to give ol' Jim a break." Which is good, because before that I was getting shafted left and right. The only problem is I can't drive for a while, so I need Wes to drop supplies off for me. It would be better if Ron would do it, but he's pissed that I left him high and dry at work. After all the shit he put me though, he needs to chill the fuck out. I'll give him a few more days to cool down before I ask him again.

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