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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Third Time's Even More The Charm!

Item! Am I the only one who's noticed that the movie houses are just bursting with must-see sequels-to-sequels these days? Talk about a three-peat summer! Spider Man 3, Pirates of the Carobean 3, Shreck 3, Ocean's 11: 3, they're all making sure you get out of your seats to do something, like go see a movie! And who can resist? By putting the stars of these movies—people like Cam'ron Diez, James Franco, Brad Pitt, and the girl from Pirates of the Carobean—into one theater, it creates a gravitational pull so powerful that you will be lucky to get out alive!  

But the one I'm most excited about? Die Hard 3! With another terrorist plot foiled last week, America needs John Connor now more than ever. We've forgotten what it's like to have a real hero. Now if we could only get Rambo back, we could win the war abroad, too. 

In spite of all the excitement, I have one question: Where's Alfred Molina? I was hoping to see him again in Spider Man 3, or maybe in a sequel to The DaVinci Code. Come on, Hollywood! There's no excuse for keeping Molina in storage. Pair him with David Paymer in a movie and I guarantee you $20 mil opening weekend. And between you and me, Hollywood, you could use the money. 

Item! The Sopranos is over, and I'm making one request: Don't talk about it! I had to cancel my premium channels in order to get braces, so I have to wait until it is out on DVD. That said, the scuttlebutt I heard is that Tony himself, James Gandalf, is going to play a tough guy in his next project. Details are sketchy, but you should look forward to some brooding and simmering, possibly even explosive rage. That man can act! 

It's true what they say: It is the humidity

If I can be serious for one second.... It broke my heart twice over to see Paris Hilton forced to return to jail for driving drunk and jeopardizing the lives of others. She had so much promise and talent at being a celebrity, and she won't get to use any of it in jail. That's not fair to either her or her fans. Can she just be really sorry and promise not to do it again instead?  

I might have said the same thing for Lindsey Lohen, but after seeing her new movie Georgia Rules (Spoiler Alert: It doesn't!), I say let her rot in rehab. The movie wasn't so bad, but it only made $3.75 million in its opening weekend. You may not care much for your own career, little missy, but I won't have you dragging Jane Fonda down with you! You can come out of rehab as soon as you learn more respect for your craft. 

Since Ben and Jerry's released a Stephen Colby (I know, who?) flavor of ice cream, I don't think I'm out of line suggesting that Ben and Jerry's get right to work on a Heavenly Harvey. I don't want to tell them what should go into it, though I'm leaning toward marshmallows myself. But hey, they're the experts. 

After buying one song at a time off iTunes, I could have kicked myself after I realized that I would've saved money if I had bought the entire Fergie album The Dutchess at once. There's about 10 summers' worth of summer songs on her album. My favorite is "London Bridge." It's got all the power of "Who Let the Dogs Out" and "Whoomp! (There It Is)" all in one song. If she hadn't already coined the word, I would've done it for her: she's Fergalicious—half Fergie and half delicious! 

Why is it you never seem to have enough pocket change for the washing machine...until you get to airport security? You know what I'm talking about, airline passengers! 

Blind item: What movie hunk's crumbling marriage was saved by a love of that Japanese puzzle Sudoko

That's all the scoop I have for this week! Oh, OK, here's a hint about next week: it involves James Brolin, some SPF 30, and a misunderstanding bellboy. That's all I can say for now. So until then, I'll see you later...on the Outside!

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