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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Third Time's Even More The Charm!

Item! Am I the only one who's noticed that the movie houses are just bursting with must-see sequels-to-sequels these days? Talk about a three-peat summer! Spider Man 3, Pirates of the Carobean 3, Shreck 3, Ocean's 11: 3, they're all making sure you get out of your seats to do something, like go see a movie! And who can resist? By putting the stars of these movies—people like Cam'ron Diez, James Franco, Brad Pitt, and the girl from Pirates of the Carobean—into one theater, it creates a gravitational pull so powerful that you will be lucky to get out alive!  

But the one I'm most excited about? Die Hard 3! With another terrorist plot foiled last week, America needs John Connor now more than ever. We've forgotten what it's like to have a real hero. Now if we could only get Rambo back, we could win the war abroad, too. 

In spite of all the excitement, I have one question: Where's Alfred Molina? I was hoping to see him again in Spider Man 3, or maybe in a sequel to The DaVinci Code. Come on, Hollywood! There's no excuse for keeping Molina in storage. Pair him with David Paymer in a movie and I guarantee you $20 mil opening weekend. And between you and me, Hollywood, you could use the money. 

Item! The Sopranos is over, and I'm making one request: Don't talk about it! I had to cancel my premium channels in order to get braces, so I have to wait until it is out on DVD. That said, the scuttlebutt I heard is that Tony himself, James Gandalf, is going to play a tough guy in his next project. Details are sketchy, but you should look forward to some brooding and simmering, possibly even explosive rage. That man can act! 

It's true what they say: It is the humidity

If I can be serious for one second.... It broke my heart twice over to see Paris Hilton forced to return to jail for driving drunk and jeopardizing the lives of others. She had so much promise and talent at being a celebrity, and she won't get to use any of it in jail. That's not fair to either her or her fans. Can she just be really sorry and promise not to do it again instead?  

I might have said the same thing for Lindsey Lohen, but after seeing her new movie Georgia Rules (Spoiler Alert: It doesn't!), I say let her rot in rehab. The movie wasn't so bad, but it only made $3.75 million in its opening weekend. You may not care much for your own career, little missy, but I won't have you dragging Jane Fonda down with you! You can come out of rehab as soon as you learn more respect for your craft. 

Since Ben and Jerry's released a Stephen Colby (I know, who?) flavor of ice cream, I don't think I'm out of line suggesting that Ben and Jerry's get right to work on a Heavenly Harvey. I don't want to tell them what should go into it, though I'm leaning toward marshmallows myself. But hey, they're the experts. 

After buying one song at a time off iTunes, I could have kicked myself after I realized that I would've saved money if I had bought the entire Fergie album The Dutchess at once. There's about 10 summers' worth of summer songs on her album. My favorite is "London Bridge." It's got all the power of "Who Let the Dogs Out" and "Whoomp! (There It Is)" all in one song. If she hadn't already coined the word, I would've done it for her: she's Fergalicious—half Fergie and half delicious! 

Why is it you never seem to have enough pocket change for the washing machine...until you get to airport security? You know what I'm talking about, airline passengers! 

Blind item: What movie hunk's crumbling marriage was saved by a love of that Japanese puzzle Sudoko

That's all the scoop I have for this week! Oh, OK, here's a hint about next week: it involves James Brolin, some SPF 30, and a misunderstanding bellboy. That's all I can say for now. So until then, I'll see you later...on the Outside!

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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