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Third Time's Even More The Charm!

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Third Time's Even More The Charm!

Item! Am I the only one who's noticed that the movie houses are just bursting with must-see sequels-to-sequels these days? Talk about a three-peat summer! Spider Man 3, Pirates of the Carobean 3, Shreck 3, Ocean's 11: 3, they're all making sure you get out of your seats to do something, like go see a movie! And who can resist? By putting the stars of these movies—people like Cam'ron Diez, James Franco, Brad Pitt, and the girl from Pirates of the Carobean—into one theater, it creates a gravitational pull so powerful that you will be lucky to get out alive!  

But the one I'm most excited about? Die Hard 3! With another terrorist plot foiled last week, America needs John Connor now more than ever. We've forgotten what it's like to have a real hero. Now if we could only get Rambo back, we could win the war abroad, too. 

In spite of all the excitement, I have one question: Where's Alfred Molina? I was hoping to see him again in Spider Man 3, or maybe in a sequel to The DaVinci Code. Come on, Hollywood! There's no excuse for keeping Molina in storage. Pair him with David Paymer in a movie and I guarantee you $20 mil opening weekend. And between you and me, Hollywood, you could use the money. 

Item! The Sopranos is over, and I'm making one request: Don't talk about it! I had to cancel my premium channels in order to get braces, so I have to wait until it is out on DVD. That said, the scuttlebutt I heard is that Tony himself, James Gandalf, is going to play a tough guy in his next project. Details are sketchy, but you should look forward to some brooding and simmering, possibly even explosive rage. That man can act! 

It's true what they say: It is the humidity

If I can be serious for one second.... It broke my heart twice over to see Paris Hilton forced to return to jail for driving drunk and jeopardizing the lives of others. She had so much promise and talent at being a celebrity, and she won't get to use any of it in jail. That's not fair to either her or her fans. Can she just be really sorry and promise not to do it again instead?  

I might have said the same thing for Lindsey Lohen, but after seeing her new movie Georgia Rules (Spoiler Alert: It doesn't!), I say let her rot in rehab. The movie wasn't so bad, but it only made $3.75 million in its opening weekend. You may not care much for your own career, little missy, but I won't have you dragging Jane Fonda down with you! You can come out of rehab as soon as you learn more respect for your craft. 

Since Ben and Jerry's released a Stephen Colby (I know, who?) flavor of ice cream, I don't think I'm out of line suggesting that Ben and Jerry's get right to work on a Heavenly Harvey. I don't want to tell them what should go into it, though I'm leaning toward marshmallows myself. But hey, they're the experts. 

After buying one song at a time off iTunes, I could have kicked myself after I realized that I would've saved money if I had bought the entire Fergie album The Dutchess at once. There's about 10 summers' worth of summer songs on her album. My favorite is "London Bridge." It's got all the power of "Who Let the Dogs Out" and "Whoomp! (There It Is)" all in one song. If she hadn't already coined the word, I would've done it for her: she's Fergalicious—half Fergie and half delicious! 

Why is it you never seem to have enough pocket change for the washing machine...until you get to airport security? You know what I'm talking about, airline passengers! 

Blind item: What movie hunk's crumbling marriage was saved by a love of that Japanese puzzle Sudoko

That's all the scoop I have for this week! Oh, OK, here's a hint about next week: it involves James Brolin, some SPF 30, and a misunderstanding bellboy. That's all I can say for now. So until then, I'll see you later...on the Outside!

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