adBlockCheck

Third Time's Even More The Charm!

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Third Time's Even More The Charm!

Item! Am I the only one who's noticed that the movie houses are just bursting with must-see sequels-to-sequels these days? Talk about a three-peat summer! Spider Man 3, Pirates of the Carobean 3, Shreck 3, Ocean's 11: 3, they're all making sure you get out of your seats to do something, like go see a movie! And who can resist? By putting the stars of these movies—people like Cam'ron Diez, James Franco, Brad Pitt, and the girl from Pirates of the Carobean—into one theater, it creates a gravitational pull so powerful that you will be lucky to get out alive!  

But the one I'm most excited about? Die Hard 3! With another terrorist plot foiled last week, America needs John Connor now more than ever. We've forgotten what it's like to have a real hero. Now if we could only get Rambo back, we could win the war abroad, too. 

In spite of all the excitement, I have one question: Where's Alfred Molina? I was hoping to see him again in Spider Man 3, or maybe in a sequel to The DaVinci Code. Come on, Hollywood! There's no excuse for keeping Molina in storage. Pair him with David Paymer in a movie and I guarantee you $20 mil opening weekend. And between you and me, Hollywood, you could use the money. 

Item! The Sopranos is over, and I'm making one request: Don't talk about it! I had to cancel my premium channels in order to get braces, so I have to wait until it is out on DVD. That said, the scuttlebutt I heard is that Tony himself, James Gandalf, is going to play a tough guy in his next project. Details are sketchy, but you should look forward to some brooding and simmering, possibly even explosive rage. That man can act! 

It's true what they say: It is the humidity

If I can be serious for one second.... It broke my heart twice over to see Paris Hilton forced to return to jail for driving drunk and jeopardizing the lives of others. She had so much promise and talent at being a celebrity, and she won't get to use any of it in jail. That's not fair to either her or her fans. Can she just be really sorry and promise not to do it again instead?  

I might have said the same thing for Lindsey Lohen, but after seeing her new movie Georgia Rules (Spoiler Alert: It doesn't!), I say let her rot in rehab. The movie wasn't so bad, but it only made $3.75 million in its opening weekend. You may not care much for your own career, little missy, but I won't have you dragging Jane Fonda down with you! You can come out of rehab as soon as you learn more respect for your craft. 

Since Ben and Jerry's released a Stephen Colby (I know, who?) flavor of ice cream, I don't think I'm out of line suggesting that Ben and Jerry's get right to work on a Heavenly Harvey. I don't want to tell them what should go into it, though I'm leaning toward marshmallows myself. But hey, they're the experts. 

After buying one song at a time off iTunes, I could have kicked myself after I realized that I would've saved money if I had bought the entire Fergie album The Dutchess at once. There's about 10 summers' worth of summer songs on her album. My favorite is "London Bridge." It's got all the power of "Who Let the Dogs Out" and "Whoomp! (There It Is)" all in one song. If she hadn't already coined the word, I would've done it for her: she's Fergalicious—half Fergie and half delicious! 

Why is it you never seem to have enough pocket change for the washing machine...until you get to airport security? You know what I'm talking about, airline passengers! 

Blind item: What movie hunk's crumbling marriage was saved by a love of that Japanese puzzle Sudoko

That's all the scoop I have for this week! Oh, OK, here's a hint about next week: it involves James Brolin, some SPF 30, and a misunderstanding bellboy. That's all I can say for now. So until then, I'll see you later...on the Outside!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close