This 'Alan Jackson' Must Be Stopped

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Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

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The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Good Times

This 'Alan Jackson' Must Be Stopped

All over this country there is evidence of a takeover. Not a violent, outright takeover, but a far more subtle and insidious one. To do nothing is to accept our demise. I cannot do nothing. This Alan Jackson must be stopped.

I have seen the 10-gallon hats and spangled outfits, the tight blue jeans and rhinestone rings that mark the true believers. I have seen What I Am posters in the recordstore windows, and gone eye to empty eye with a man who wears a mustache, but not a beard. I have never been a holy man, but I know what is right and what is wrong. And this is so very, very wrong. If this is not to be our future, every last one of us must take up arms.

A belief in Alan Jackson has its attractions. I know only too well the abhorrent effects it can produce. "She's Got The Rhythm (And I've Got The Blues)" jingles and jangles right into the wall of your cranium and lodges itself there until you are powerless, swaying down the aisles of Kmart to a 4/4 beat. The scourge of it!

I first heard Alan Jackson while sitting in a dentist's waiting room. "Don't Rock The Jukebox" crept into my conscious mind as I paged through an issue of Time. I bolted upright. The young man next to me, 22 at most, was transfixed by the music. I looked down at his feet, tapping away, encased in cowboy boots. I cringed as I caught a glimpse of a future where his kind was the norm, a future where all are united under Alan Jackson's banner of rural conformity.

This Alan Jackson is supposed to be different and new. Yet it is strangely reminiscent of some ancient evil, some crawling, seething thing that had spawned such devils as Debbie Gibson and Richard Marx.

Don't tell me that "Chattahoochee" is a harmless, bouncy tribute to the beauty and simplicity of the past. No, this song is something much darker. I do not know what Alan Jackson's evil message is, but I do not trust his messengers. Their very dress is a uniform of evil. Witness how cowboy boots, which seem so innocent, have sharp, wicked points at the front for tearing flesh and thick, clublike heels for crushing bone. Witness how the bolo tie is nothing more than a stylized assassin's garrote. And who knows what malicious instruments may be concealed beneath a 10-gallon hat? And the leader of this band is Alan Jackson, with his mane of hair and sinister white T-shirt. Damn him. Damn him to hell!

With his soft "Yes, ma'am"s and "No, sir, I don't reckon"s, he charms his way into our hearts. But once there, he will work at us from the inside out. He looks so harmless on the cover of A Lot About Livin' (And A Little 'Bout Love), but lo, he is not. The South cannot be trusted! Like Germany, they were defeated, but bide their time with clandestine plans!

As America's easily swayed young farmers dance their joyless, grim-faced line dances, we must ask ourselves: Do we want such suspicious people in charge of feeding our nation? Alan Jackson thinks so. Even as we speak, he is amassing cash to marshal a takeover of our weakened Northern cities. He must be stopped. People, I have warned you!