This 'Alan Jackson' Must Be Stopped

Top Headlines


‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

This 'Alan Jackson' Must Be Stopped

All over this country there is evidence of a takeover. Not a violent, outright takeover, but a far more subtle and insidious one. To do nothing is to accept our demise. I cannot do nothing. This Alan Jackson must be stopped.

I have seen the 10-gallon hats and spangled outfits, the tight blue jeans and rhinestone rings that mark the true believers. I have seen What I Am posters in the recordstore windows, and gone eye to empty eye with a man who wears a mustache, but not a beard. I have never been a holy man, but I know what is right and what is wrong. And this is so very, very wrong. If this is not to be our future, every last one of us must take up arms.

A belief in Alan Jackson has its attractions. I know only too well the abhorrent effects it can produce. "She's Got The Rhythm (And I've Got The Blues)" jingles and jangles right into the wall of your cranium and lodges itself there until you are powerless, swaying down the aisles of Kmart to a 4/4 beat. The scourge of it!

I first heard Alan Jackson while sitting in a dentist's waiting room. "Don't Rock The Jukebox" crept into my conscious mind as I paged through an issue of Time. I bolted upright. The young man next to me, 22 at most, was transfixed by the music. I looked down at his feet, tapping away, encased in cowboy boots. I cringed as I caught a glimpse of a future where his kind was the norm, a future where all are united under Alan Jackson's banner of rural conformity.

This Alan Jackson is supposed to be different and new. Yet it is strangely reminiscent of some ancient evil, some crawling, seething thing that had spawned such devils as Debbie Gibson and Richard Marx.

Don't tell me that "Chattahoochee" is a harmless, bouncy tribute to the beauty and simplicity of the past. No, this song is something much darker. I do not know what Alan Jackson's evil message is, but I do not trust his messengers. Their very dress is a uniform of evil. Witness how cowboy boots, which seem so innocent, have sharp, wicked points at the front for tearing flesh and thick, clublike heels for crushing bone. Witness how the bolo tie is nothing more than a stylized assassin's garrote. And who knows what malicious instruments may be concealed beneath a 10-gallon hat? And the leader of this band is Alan Jackson, with his mane of hair and sinister white T-shirt. Damn him. Damn him to hell!

With his soft "Yes, ma'am"s and "No, sir, I don't reckon"s, he charms his way into our hearts. But once there, he will work at us from the inside out. He looks so harmless on the cover of A Lot About Livin' (And A Little 'Bout Love), but lo, he is not. The South cannot be trusted! Like Germany, they were defeated, but bide their time with clandestine plans!

As America's easily swayed young farmers dance their joyless, grim-faced line dances, we must ask ourselves: Do we want such suspicious people in charge of feeding our nation? Alan Jackson thinks so. Even as we speak, he is amassing cash to marshal a takeover of our weakened Northern cities. He must be stopped. People, I have warned you!


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close