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This Casino Is So Glamorous!

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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This Casino Is So Glamorous!

Oh! Oh, my goodness! When Helen and Patty said they were going to take me to a casino, I thought it would be nice, but this is something else! I had no idea the casino would be so glamorous!

When we first drove up to the Mishwauketomee Casino, I really didn't think it looked like much. From the outside, it just looked like a big windowless building out in the woods. Boy, was I in for a shock! The moment we got out of the car, the glamour began. There was a man out front in a black tuxedo who welcomed us and gave us a "Golden Goodie Bag" with a complimentary two-dollar chip inside!

Ritzy as that was, it was nothing compared to what met my eyes when I walked in the door. (Which, by the way, was opened for me by another young man in a tuxedo.) Talk about fancy! Through the entire room, the floor was covered with acres of red-and-black, Hollywood-style carpet with fruit and flowers and birds of paradise woven into it. There were glittering lights everywhere and chandeliers hanging from the ceiling with the fancy light bulbs that look like flames. And there were mirrors everywhere, some of them tinted gold! And there were big draperies and gorgeous red velvet ropes to help you around. It was so beautiful, I couldn't believe it–it was like being inside the Taj Mahal!

Nothing in the Mishwauketomee Casino was tacky. There were no clocks on the wall to break up the elegance of the decor. There weren't even any windows, so you didn't have to look at the ugly outside world and spoil the fantasy. I'm telling you, these folks thought of everything!

And talk about service: I was waited on hand and foot! There was always a man willing to show you how to play blackjack or poker, or to get you more of those chips you use instead of money. (Which is classy and relaxing because it helps you stop worrying about the expense.) A beautiful lady brings you free drinks as long as you're playing something, even the slot machines. There's also a buffet you can visit anytime, with people who serve you prime rib and cheese spread, not to mention fancy shrimp with the thickest breading I've ever seen! Why, they even have ladies who hand you towels when you use the restroom! And all of these people are in tuxedoes, too. I was happy to see the signs saying "NO TIPPING," because I certainly couldn't have afforded all that service if I had to pay for it.

Did I mention the entertainment? That place just has one famous soap-opera star after another coming by to mingle with us regular people. Just last week, Tristan Rogers, who used to play hunky Robert Scorpio on General Hospital, was there. I saw the list of recent appearances, and some of those actors hadn't been on a soap for 10 years! Mishwauketomee must be a pretty fancy place to get all those famous actors to come out of retirement and visit us up in Minnesota.

Well, I was a bit intimidated by all the high-society trimmings, so I decided to lay low and just play the slot machines. But you know what? They're fancy, too! All brassy and silvery, with big, important- looking arms that make you feel important when you pull them. And those red leather stools! They were so comfy, I must have parked my tush on one for about six hours! (Who knew how long it really was, though. I certainly wasn't in any rush to return to the real world.)

I wasn't very good at the slot machines and the gambling, but I certainly had a wonderful time. It was worth every cent of the $340 I spent to be part of high society for an afternoon. I even got to keep the special Mishwauketomee Casino coin bucket I was using. Talk about being queen for a day!

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