This Casino Is So Glamorous!

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Vol 36 Issue 39

Candidate Delighted To Be In Chair Factory

LAUREL, DE– During a campaign stop Monday, Republican U.S. Senate candidate and former Delaware attorney general Don Stenberg expressed great pleasure to be at a chair factory. "I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be with the fine men and women of the Laurel Chair Works on this beautiful day," Stenberg told the crowd of 200 employees, donning a Laurel Chair Works baseball hat given to him by factory owner Darrell Widcock. "Just as you have done for so many satisfied customers throughout Delaware, it is my hope that you can provide me with a 'seat' in Congress." Earlier in the day, Stenberg was overjoyed to be at an elementary school, a mall, a senior-citizen community center, and an Episcopalian Church.

Awful Show A Repeat Again

PRESCOTT, AZ– According to local TV viewer Randy Bolz, Monday's episode of the "absolutely awful" CBS show The King Of Queens was a repeat yet again. "King Of Queens is bad enough when it's a new episode," Bolz said, "but this is the third time I've seen that stupid one where Doug buys the really expensive car against Carrie's wishes, then his company goes on strike. Even if I actually did like this show, I certainly wouldn't after seeing the same damn episode three times in less than a year. Christ."

No Clear Winner In Feces-Throwing Conflict

TABORA, TANZANIA– After several hours of fierce feces-slinging from both sides, no clear winner emerged Tuesday in the conflict between Tabora-area male silverback gorillas Lugo and Kamala. "While Lugo looked strong early on, heaving large quantities of his own dung at his opponent, Kamala came back with an equally impressive volley of his own," primatologist Dr. Donald Schayes said. "We might not have a clear handle on the outcome until mating season." The animals have tentatively scheduled an additional series of fecal flings over the next three weeks.

You The Newest Subsidiary Of Kraft Foods

NORTHFIELD, IL– In the company's latest acquisition, Kraft Foods announced Monday that it has gained a controlling interest in you for an estimated $11,000, nearly 20 percent less than the amount forecast by Forbes Magazine market analysts earlier this year. "We are pleased to bring you under the umbrella of fine Kraft products and individuals," Kraft CEO Bob Eckert said. "After some retooling and repackaging, expect to be on store shelves sometime in early spring."

Captain Kirk's Life Flashes Before Dying Trekkie's Eyes

MILFORD, CT– Moments before dying, car-accident victim and hardcore Star Trek fan Glenn Schaefer saw Captain James T. Kirk's life flash before his eyes. "It's all coming back to me," said Schaefer, bleeding profusely and fading from massive head trauma. "The Salt Vampires of M-113, assisting Spock through the Pon Farr, outmaneuvering Khan Singh in the Mutara Nebula, the dilithium mines of Rura Penthe. I'm even seeing portions of the animated series and the Lost Years novels." Before taking his final breath, Schaefer turned to attending medical personnel and said, "It was... fun."

The XFL

Last weekend, the inaugural player draft was held for the XFL, the new World Wrestling Federation-backed pro-football league. What are some of the league's features?

I Must Take Issue With Entertainment Weekly's C-Plus Grade For The DVD Release Of The Patriot

I usually enjoy Entertainment Weekly a great deal, devouring everything from Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet to the Gimme Shelter profiles of on-the-market celebrity homes to the always cheeky CyberDigest column. And, as a rule, I trust the magazine's reviews, confident that if Ken Tucker says the new CBS show The Fugitive is an A-minus, it's an A-minus. I must, however, take strong issue with the C-plus grade for the DVD release of The Patriot.

Into The Home Stretch

The presidential election is less than a week away, with polls indicating a virtual dead heat between Bush and Gore. What do you think?
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Holiday

This Casino Is So Glamorous!

Oh! Oh, my goodness! When Helen and Patty said they were going to take me to a casino, I thought it would be nice, but this is something else! I had no idea the casino would be so glamorous!

When we first drove up to the Mishwauketomee Casino, I really didn't think it looked like much. From the outside, it just looked like a big windowless building out in the woods. Boy, was I in for a shock! The moment we got out of the car, the glamour began. There was a man out front in a black tuxedo who welcomed us and gave us a "Golden Goodie Bag" with a complimentary two-dollar chip inside!

Ritzy as that was, it was nothing compared to what met my eyes when I walked in the door. (Which, by the way, was opened for me by another young man in a tuxedo.) Talk about fancy! Through the entire room, the floor was covered with acres of red-and-black, Hollywood-style carpet with fruit and flowers and birds of paradise woven into it. There were glittering lights everywhere and chandeliers hanging from the ceiling with the fancy light bulbs that look like flames. And there were mirrors everywhere, some of them tinted gold! And there were big draperies and gorgeous red velvet ropes to help you around. It was so beautiful, I couldn't believe it–it was like being inside the Taj Mahal!

Nothing in the Mishwauketomee Casino was tacky. There were no clocks on the wall to break up the elegance of the decor. There weren't even any windows, so you didn't have to look at the ugly outside world and spoil the fantasy. I'm telling you, these folks thought of everything!

And talk about service: I was waited on hand and foot! There was always a man willing to show you how to play blackjack or poker, or to get you more of those chips you use instead of money. (Which is classy and relaxing because it helps you stop worrying about the expense.) A beautiful lady brings you free drinks as long as you're playing something, even the slot machines. There's also a buffet you can visit anytime, with people who serve you prime rib and cheese spread, not to mention fancy shrimp with the thickest breading I've ever seen! Why, they even have ladies who hand you towels when you use the restroom! And all of these people are in tuxedoes, too. I was happy to see the signs saying "NO TIPPING," because I certainly couldn't have afforded all that service if I had to pay for it.

Did I mention the entertainment? That place just has one famous soap-opera star after another coming by to mingle with us regular people. Just last week, Tristan Rogers, who used to play hunky Robert Scorpio on General Hospital, was there. I saw the list of recent appearances, and some of those actors hadn't been on a soap for 10 years! Mishwauketomee must be a pretty fancy place to get all those famous actors to come out of retirement and visit us up in Minnesota.

Well, I was a bit intimidated by all the high-society trimmings, so I decided to lay low and just play the slot machines. But you know what? They're fancy, too! All brassy and silvery, with big, important- looking arms that make you feel important when you pull them. And those red leather stools! They were so comfy, I must have parked my tush on one for about six hours! (Who knew how long it really was, though. I certainly wasn't in any rush to return to the real world.)

I wasn't very good at the slot machines and the gambling, but I certainly had a wonderful time. It was worth every cent of the $340 I spent to be part of high society for an afternoon. I even got to keep the special Mishwauketomee Casino coin bucket I was using. Talk about being queen for a day!

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