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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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This Casino Is So Glamorous!

Oh! Oh, my goodness! When Helen and Patty said they were going to take me to a casino, I thought it would be nice, but this is something else! I had no idea the casino would be so glamorous!

When we first drove up to the Mishwauketomee Casino, I really didn't think it looked like much. From the outside, it just looked like a big windowless building out in the woods. Boy, was I in for a shock! The moment we got out of the car, the glamour began. There was a man out front in a black tuxedo who welcomed us and gave us a "Golden Goodie Bag" with a complimentary two-dollar chip inside!

Ritzy as that was, it was nothing compared to what met my eyes when I walked in the door. (Which, by the way, was opened for me by another young man in a tuxedo.) Talk about fancy! Through the entire room, the floor was covered with acres of red-and-black, Hollywood-style carpet with fruit and flowers and birds of paradise woven into it. There were glittering lights everywhere and chandeliers hanging from the ceiling with the fancy light bulbs that look like flames. And there were mirrors everywhere, some of them tinted gold! And there were big draperies and gorgeous red velvet ropes to help you around. It was so beautiful, I couldn't believe it–it was like being inside the Taj Mahal!

Nothing in the Mishwauketomee Casino was tacky. There were no clocks on the wall to break up the elegance of the decor. There weren't even any windows, so you didn't have to look at the ugly outside world and spoil the fantasy. I'm telling you, these folks thought of everything!

And talk about service: I was waited on hand and foot! There was always a man willing to show you how to play blackjack or poker, or to get you more of those chips you use instead of money. (Which is classy and relaxing because it helps you stop worrying about the expense.) A beautiful lady brings you free drinks as long as you're playing something, even the slot machines. There's also a buffet you can visit anytime, with people who serve you prime rib and cheese spread, not to mention fancy shrimp with the thickest breading I've ever seen! Why, they even have ladies who hand you towels when you use the restroom! And all of these people are in tuxedoes, too. I was happy to see the signs saying "NO TIPPING," because I certainly couldn't have afforded all that service if I had to pay for it.

Did I mention the entertainment? That place just has one famous soap-opera star after another coming by to mingle with us regular people. Just last week, Tristan Rogers, who used to play hunky Robert Scorpio on General Hospital, was there. I saw the list of recent appearances, and some of those actors hadn't been on a soap for 10 years! Mishwauketomee must be a pretty fancy place to get all those famous actors to come out of retirement and visit us up in Minnesota.

Well, I was a bit intimidated by all the high-society trimmings, so I decided to lay low and just play the slot machines. But you know what? They're fancy, too! All brassy and silvery, with big, important- looking arms that make you feel important when you pull them. And those red leather stools! They were so comfy, I must have parked my tush on one for about six hours! (Who knew how long it really was, though. I certainly wasn't in any rush to return to the real world.)

I wasn't very good at the slot machines and the gambling, but I certainly had a wonderful time. It was worth every cent of the $340 I spent to be part of high society for an afternoon. I even got to keep the special Mishwauketomee Casino coin bucket I was using. Talk about being queen for a day!

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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