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This Casino Is So Glamorous!

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

This Casino Is So Glamorous!

Oh! Oh, my goodness! When Helen and Patty said they were going to take me to a casino, I thought it would be nice, but this is something else! I had no idea the casino would be so glamorous!

When we first drove up to the Mishwauketomee Casino, I really didn't think it looked like much. From the outside, it just looked like a big windowless building out in the woods. Boy, was I in for a shock! The moment we got out of the car, the glamour began. There was a man out front in a black tuxedo who welcomed us and gave us a "Golden Goodie Bag" with a complimentary two-dollar chip inside!

Ritzy as that was, it was nothing compared to what met my eyes when I walked in the door. (Which, by the way, was opened for me by another young man in a tuxedo.) Talk about fancy! Through the entire room, the floor was covered with acres of red-and-black, Hollywood-style carpet with fruit and flowers and birds of paradise woven into it. There were glittering lights everywhere and chandeliers hanging from the ceiling with the fancy light bulbs that look like flames. And there were mirrors everywhere, some of them tinted gold! And there were big draperies and gorgeous red velvet ropes to help you around. It was so beautiful, I couldn't believe it–it was like being inside the Taj Mahal!

Nothing in the Mishwauketomee Casino was tacky. There were no clocks on the wall to break up the elegance of the decor. There weren't even any windows, so you didn't have to look at the ugly outside world and spoil the fantasy. I'm telling you, these folks thought of everything!

And talk about service: I was waited on hand and foot! There was always a man willing to show you how to play blackjack or poker, or to get you more of those chips you use instead of money. (Which is classy and relaxing because it helps you stop worrying about the expense.) A beautiful lady brings you free drinks as long as you're playing something, even the slot machines. There's also a buffet you can visit anytime, with people who serve you prime rib and cheese spread, not to mention fancy shrimp with the thickest breading I've ever seen! Why, they even have ladies who hand you towels when you use the restroom! And all of these people are in tuxedoes, too. I was happy to see the signs saying "NO TIPPING," because I certainly couldn't have afforded all that service if I had to pay for it.

Did I mention the entertainment? That place just has one famous soap-opera star after another coming by to mingle with us regular people. Just last week, Tristan Rogers, who used to play hunky Robert Scorpio on General Hospital, was there. I saw the list of recent appearances, and some of those actors hadn't been on a soap for 10 years! Mishwauketomee must be a pretty fancy place to get all those famous actors to come out of retirement and visit us up in Minnesota.

Well, I was a bit intimidated by all the high-society trimmings, so I decided to lay low and just play the slot machines. But you know what? They're fancy, too! All brassy and silvery, with big, important- looking arms that make you feel important when you pull them. And those red leather stools! They were so comfy, I must have parked my tush on one for about six hours! (Who knew how long it really was, though. I certainly wasn't in any rush to return to the real world.)

I wasn't very good at the slot machines and the gambling, but I certainly had a wonderful time. It was worth every cent of the $340 I spent to be part of high society for an afternoon. I even got to keep the special Mishwauketomee Casino coin bucket I was using. Talk about being queen for a day!

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