adBlockCheck

This Casual Day Thing Has Gone Too Far

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

This Casual Day Thing Has Gone Too Far

Look, I'm as fun-loving as the next guy. After work I like to loosen up my tie, unbutton my collar and relax with a couple fingers of sourmash whiskey in front of the news. So, when the boss announced that Friday would be Casual Day at work, I was all for it.

On the first Casual Day I wore my brown loafers instead of the black oxfords—the ones that usually go with my pearl grey jacket—and the Minnesota Vikings tie that I won at the office Christmas party for guessing last quarter's fiscal growth. I don't really like the Vikings much, and the loafers always make my feet smell like donkey, but I didn't want to be considered a spoil-sport.

When I arrived at work that morning I thought I'd walked into the wrong office! It was like a circus in there, or some sort of a young people's night club. Some of the men were wearing polo shirts as if they'd just come in from playing tennis. A bunch from marketing had blue jeans and tennis shoes on. A few others from client development were wearing khaki pants and sweater vests. I half expected them to break into "Greased Lightning" at any minute!

This utter lack of decorum was not limited to the gentlemen, by any means. Our staff is made up of at least 50 percent fairer sex, what with the need for typists and such. But as I glanced around, I asked myself, "Where have all the women gone?" Then I realized what was going on. The women were there, but they were wearing pants!

I approached a woman who was wearing a dress in order to compliment her on her choice, but as I neared I saw she was, if you can believe this, not wearing stockings. Suddenly the place of business has become a beach! What was next? Mini-skirts and go-go boots? Long hair and bare feet?

I was afraid for the future of the company, so I went straight to Mr. Klavert's office to inform him of what was going on. I rushed into his office and found him turned toward the window. When he swiveled around to see who had entered, it was as if I was trapped inside a nightmare: He was wearing tan Dockers and a short-sleeve pullover. Arrgh!

I ran out of there and into the main office to monitor for other signs of decay, and sure enough—the coffee fund cup was completely devoid of quarters! I looked around and saw at least five people with steaming mugs. "That had better be Cup-a-Soup!" I yelled.

There were soda-pop cans in work cubicles, and the supply cabinet was left wide open, just inviting abuse of envelopes for personal use. Someone had failed to clear the copier after use, and the employee refrigerator was a holy terror. Things had gotten way out of hand, and when I expressed my grave concerns, everyone acted so, well, casual about it.

The last straw came when I looked up at the intra-office announcement board and saw a comic strip pinned among the memorandum postings. The irreverent humor of Dilbert has no place in a serious office. Maybe in some other place, one which invites scandal and reckless whimsy, but not in our office. I pulled the Dilbert funny down and ripped it up into tiny pieces before depositing it in the appropriate recyclable paper basket.

When Casual Day was over, I felt embarrassed that I had ever lowered myself to take part in it. The very first thing I did when I got home was take off those briefs and put on a pair of crisply ironed boxers.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close