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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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This Casual Day Thing Has Gone Too Far

Look, I'm as fun-loving as the next guy. After work I like to loosen up my tie, unbutton my collar and relax with a couple fingers of sourmash whiskey in front of the news. So, when the boss announced that Friday would be Casual Day at work, I was all for it.

On the first Casual Day I wore my brown loafers instead of the black oxfords—the ones that usually go with my pearl grey jacket—and the Minnesota Vikings tie that I won at the office Christmas party for guessing last quarter's fiscal growth. I don't really like the Vikings much, and the loafers always make my feet smell like donkey, but I didn't want to be considered a spoil-sport.

When I arrived at work that morning I thought I'd walked into the wrong office! It was like a circus in there, or some sort of a young people's night club. Some of the men were wearing polo shirts as if they'd just come in from playing tennis. A bunch from marketing had blue jeans and tennis shoes on. A few others from client development were wearing khaki pants and sweater vests. I half expected them to break into "Greased Lightning" at any minute!

This utter lack of decorum was not limited to the gentlemen, by any means. Our staff is made up of at least 50 percent fairer sex, what with the need for typists and such. But as I glanced around, I asked myself, "Where have all the women gone?" Then I realized what was going on. The women were there, but they were wearing pants!

I approached a woman who was wearing a dress in order to compliment her on her choice, but as I neared I saw she was, if you can believe this, not wearing stockings. Suddenly the place of business has become a beach! What was next? Mini-skirts and go-go boots? Long hair and bare feet?

I was afraid for the future of the company, so I went straight to Mr. Klavert's office to inform him of what was going on. I rushed into his office and found him turned toward the window. When he swiveled around to see who had entered, it was as if I was trapped inside a nightmare: He was wearing tan Dockers and a short-sleeve pullover. Arrgh!

I ran out of there and into the main office to monitor for other signs of decay, and sure enough—the coffee fund cup was completely devoid of quarters! I looked around and saw at least five people with steaming mugs. "That had better be Cup-a-Soup!" I yelled.

There were soda-pop cans in work cubicles, and the supply cabinet was left wide open, just inviting abuse of envelopes for personal use. Someone had failed to clear the copier after use, and the employee refrigerator was a holy terror. Things had gotten way out of hand, and when I expressed my grave concerns, everyone acted so, well, casual about it.

The last straw came when I looked up at the intra-office announcement board and saw a comic strip pinned among the memorandum postings. The irreverent humor of Dilbert has no place in a serious office. Maybe in some other place, one which invites scandal and reckless whimsy, but not in our office. I pulled the Dilbert funny down and ripped it up into tiny pieces before depositing it in the appropriate recyclable paper basket.

When Casual Day was over, I felt embarrassed that I had ever lowered myself to take part in it. The very first thing I did when I got home was take off those briefs and put on a pair of crisply ironed boxers.

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